"Ghost Hunters"... can it be saved, or should we play TAPS?

Despite being the major trigger in the 'ghost hunting show' craze, it has become very apparent to me, having watched the show from the beginning, that the fifth season of "Ghost Hunters" has paled greatly in comparison to recent episodes of copycat shows like "Ghost Adventures" and relative newcomer "Ghost Lab".

First though, before I get into what's wrong, I do need to commend the show for the problems that *have* been fixed over time:

1) Psychics and demonologists. As TAPS doesn't normally believe in psychics, I'm not sure why they were on the first couple seasons; but their presence can really bring the credibility of a show down. Look at "Paranormal State."

2) The ridiculous subliminal crap in the first couple seasons. No, TAPS isn't really to blame for this; they've said in the past that they can't control Sci-Fi's editing. And being that Sci-Fi like to drown out TAPS's audio with horror movie music, I'll place the blame for this failed experiment on them.

3) Overabundance of drama instead of ghost hunting. This really, really spoiled the first couple seasons - the Willard Library episode especially. While I do realize that there were personality conflicts going on at the time, it just didn't seem appropriate to spend so much time focused on them.

Now, here's my list of suggestions as to how this show could be saved from its current plight. These are based on my own personal observations - if you have anything else to add (or argue), please do.

1) STOP THE SPINOFFS. "Ghost Hunters Academy" was a disaster, and I can actually say that I have never seen anyone that *didn't* agree with this opinion. (I checked. Good God, I checked.) Besides the fact that the college kids recruited for this show were incredibly hard to watch, they brought out the worst in Steve and Tango. It's unsettling to see the guys that have been the comic relief for the last few seasons of "Ghost Hunters" get so pissed off all the time, to the point where they just seem mean.

2) Whatever happened to investigating private homes? The most memorable episodes of seasons past were in the houses of ghost-troubled families. When's the last time we saw anything to match the torso sitting in the rocking chair, or the vibrating attic?

3) Stop with the "we can see it, but no one else can" stuff. This really made the last episode (the Hindenburg crash site) difficult to watch. I'm not bashing TAPS here, because I'm willing to believe that they DID see something; but I think this also ties in with the need for smaller, more private locations. When something is spotted a quarter mile across an aircraft hangar, we're not gonna see it, because their night vision cameras just aren't that powerful. Anything outside of a 20 foot range is blackness to us. In closer quarters, we'd see stuff all the time - the shadow in the bar a couple weeks ago was great proof of that. The Sci-Fi (I'm sorry, SYFY) cameramen also need to stop shooting directly at someone when they point and say "Look over there!" If they're looking at something, friggin' point the camera at it, not at Grant! If they were less focused on filming the living people and more on the possibility of a dead one, we might've actually seen the face Grant saw in that underground prison. (Actually, no, that's a bad example, because it was a completely unexpected incident; if the camera was already pointing at that hole before Grant looked there, it would've seemed staged. And James Randi worshippers would've been pleased that their holy leader blessed them with such wonderful evidence that ghosts don't exist.)

4) I could be wrong about this, so excuse my theorizing here... but I get the distinct feeling that SYFY is telling Kris what to wear in order to "sexy" the show up. I personally like Kris, and I would feel terrible if this were true.

Now, I like "Ghost Adventures" and "Ghost Lab" just as much as I like "Ghost Hunters", but they DID come around much later, and I'm willing to stay loyal to TAPS come what may. I would hate to see the popularity of another network's copycat idea drag down the show that originally sparked everyone's interest, all over problems that are easy to fix.

My biggest fear is that, since they've spent the last five of their twenty years in TAPS in a much larger public eye than before, Jason and Grant are getting tired of the constant "You faked this / you're a bunch of liars" bullshit. I mean, for example, people are just NOT WILLING to let the jacket pull from the Halloween episode go. Would YOU get excited over finding something new if you knew that no one was going to believe you, time after time after time? Probably not. (Remind me to post my "TAPS wouldn't fake evidence, and here's why" list. Not that the thicker people of the Internet would pay attention to reason.)

While I do know that there is a sixth season in the works, I'd hate to see Jason and Grant leave one day and let Steve and Tango take over. As much as I like Steve and Tango (and they've been missed over the past few episodes where they were away doing GHA), it wouldn't be Ghost Hunters without the two guys that started everything.

That's my two cents.

Crazy Dream Theater - BATHROOMS! BATHROOMS EVERYWHERE!

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WARNING: The post you are about to read is *NOT* for the
easily nauseated. I'm serious. You're walking into some
seriously sick territory here. Please take caution before
reading further.
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Note - If you came here to read about the Bee Gees' albums, let me link you to the three sections of that post so you don't have to scroll through what I discuss below to find them.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
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You still wanna give it a chance? Alright, suit yourself.

I realized something. A recurring element of my dreams is, oddly enough, public restrooms. And usually not pleasant ones. Dirty, nasty, vile public restrooms. Maybe because I've actually *seen* my share of dirty, nasty, vile public restrooms. Remember Michael Jackson's story about the bathroom in prison that had "doo doo and feces" everywhere? I've been in places like that. God, I have been in places like that.

Just to show what I mean about them being a recurring element of my dreams, here's a few of the past mental washrooms I've visited:

• A bathroom on the bottom floor of some sort of high school, with a very, very strange set-up - no stalls, just a big room with a vast network of pipes, attached to which were rows of toilets facing each other. Now, if that's not weird enough, the toilets were elevated a few feet off the ground.
• A bathroom in what I assume was a [department store I won't name]... this one haunted me for days. Very dark and badly lit room; the middle of the three toilets was broken and spraying water out of the stall; oh yes, and there was SHIT EVERYWHERE. I could go into so much detail, because this one is indelibly burned into my mind. I won't. Oddly enough, shortly after this in real life, I encountered a bathroom in [department store I won't name] that was in close competition with this imaginary one.
• This one's from years ago... see, when I was younger, I used to be sort of afraid of fans. I had a dream that my family was in a furniture store or something, and upstairs, they had one of those little single-toilet bathrooms where you have to lock the door. 'Cept this one had an odd trait about it - an enormous grate on the wall, behind which was a vast fan/air conditioning system of some kind, in some sort of lit, tiled hallway. There's a giant fan you have to pass not long into the second half of "Portal" that reminds me of this.
• Some sort of extremely creepy, dark, red lit restroom (this one's popped up a couple times - once it was in a museum, another time it was in a locker room?) with a similar affliction of human produce as the second one I mentioned above. No, I don't want a psychologist telling me why I have dreams about shitty public restrooms. I already know that's strange.
• Multiple restrooms where the stalls didn't exactly offer privacy - either multiple toilets were in one stall (I'VE ACTUALLY SEEN THIS IN A REAL-LIFE SCHOOL!), or there was a side panel missing, and people passing by the stall on that side could see you.

OK, so onto the strangeness of last night's dream. No, shit isn't involved.

I was in a vast library of some sort, with a few floors. On the top floor, there was an alcove off to the left with bathrooms. 'Cept instead of a water fountain (which you would expect to be in such an area), there was a urinal, right out in the open. And there weren't just two bathrooms (or three, 'cause some places have a handicapped-only one or a "family room" - okay, or four, if they have one specifically for children, which I've seen a couple times also), there were many.

To the right, upon entering this little side area, were two doors - "Men" and "Bathroom". Being a curious type, I chose "Bathroom". I walked into a tiled restroom that was MUCH larger than it could have possibly been on the outside. (A TARDIS restroom, if you will.) There were a dozen stalls, and a lot of people (both genders) in here. Even stranger, there were a hell of a lot of hand dryers all over the wall. Sort of. Some worked properly, some dispensed soap, some sprayed water. After visiting this bizarre room, I went in the "Men" door, and found it a lot more normal.

The more I explored this alcove (it branched off into hallways on either side), the more restrooms I found. One had a Super Mario Bros. theme... and no visible toilets, just a lot of pipes and mushrooms. (Maybe you were meant to use the pipes? Knowing my dreams, probably.) After this, I don't remember what else happened. Sorry...

The moral of this all? Public bathrooms weird me the fuck out.

God, I feel like I need to take a shower now. A long shower. Uh, but not in a public shower.

The Bee Gees' albums... how many? (part 3)

Once more into the trench....

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ROBIN GIBB SOLO

[?] MY OWN WORK (1969)
Ah, here's one that most fans probably haven't heard about; the only mention I've ever seen was on Joseph Brennan's Gibb Songs site, where information is scattered. In a nutshell, this was apparently an album Robin was working on not long before "Robin's Reign", and in a 1969 interview, he revealed the 11-song tracklist. The entire thing was scrapped (none of it appeared on "Robin's Reign"), and most of the songs have yet to even make it to a bootleg. Perhaps this never got past a rough plan, and the material wasn't actually recorded??

[1] ROBIN'S REIGN (1970)
This came out instead. As Robin was no longer a member of the Bee Gees, this was the direct competition to Barry and Maurice's "Cucumber Castle" LP.

[?] SING SLOWLY SISTERS (1970)
After the relative success of "Robin's Reign" (and the official disintegration of the Bee Gees), Robin recorded this lushly orchestrated, downbeat album - another entry into the lost 'solo trilogy' of 1970. A tracklist was allegedly decided upon, but like the other brothers' recordings from this time period, this was scrapped when the group decided to reform for "2 Years On."

[2] HOW OLD ARE YOU? (1983)
[3] SECRET AGENT (1984)
[4] WALLS HAVE EYES (1985)
Three released solo albums. Sort of. While "Secret Agent" was indeed Robin alone, "How Old Are You" is much closer to being a Robin and Maurice LP (to the point of Maurice even providing lead vocals in places), and "Walls Have Eyes" includes both Maurice and Barry.

[5] MAGNET (2003)
Robin's solo projects went totally quiet during the remainder of the Bee Gees' time as a threesome; this emerged after the group's final disintegration. Unfortunately, instead of a strict pop album, Robin decided to make this one hip-hop. Robin, a middle-aged white Englishman, sings songs about getting freaky in the shower and sipping Cris. Why, God, why??

[?] LIVE (2005)
Another entry into the Bee Gees' live album canon.... as painful as it is. Even above "Magnet," this is truly the weakest Gibb-related release ever, displaying both Robin's complete massacre of Bee Gees tunes (including those written by and tailored for Barry), and an absolutely unprofessional mix that renders this disc bootleg quality.

[6] MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS CAROLS (2006)
But that's forgiven, because this album is absolutely fantastic! :-) Strangely, the complete album was only released in Germany; some countries removed Robin's composition "Mother of Love", while only Germany included the very out-of-place tracks "Christmas Eve or Halloween" (a Bee Gees recording from 1968) and "Ellan Vannin".

[7?] 50 ST. CATHERINE'S DRIVE (2010?)
Whether this will be released is still unknown. A finished version of the album was filed with the US copyright office in 2008, though Robin is said to have revised the tracklist since then. Something to look forward to in the future I suppose.

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MAURICE GIBB SOLO

[?] (UNTITLED SYNTHESIZER ALBUM) (1969?)
A collaboration with Ringo Starr. According to the Gibbs' official biography, for a couple years, Maurice and Ringo were planning an avant garde album of bizarre Moog tracks. The only known title from this project is "Modulating Maurice," which featured Maurice saying random phrases over Ringo's instrumental backing. (Despite popular belief, this track has never been bootlegged; this song title was given to an unrelated Bee Gees instrumental.) I actually seem to remember hearing that the tapes for this album no longer exist, but don't take my word on that.

[?] SING A RUDE SONG (1969)
This one is a toughie, as it's not *technically* a Maurice album. While he was pushed as one of the stars of this London musical, he is only audible on three songs, though he is featured on the cover (shades of "Saturday Night Fever"), and produced the entire album. If this can be counted, this would actually be Maurice's only released work to date.

[?] THE LONER (1970)
Maurice's entry into the unreleased 1970 trilogy. In a perfect world, this fantastic album will emerge on a long-overdue compilation of Maurice's recordings (why one wasn't released after his passing, I don't know), but again, time will tell. Sadly, bootleg versions are poor quality; but the original Japanese boot (which thankfully is presented without the extreme sound reduction used on the later edition) is still essential listening.

[??] STRINGS AND THINGS (1981)
An album of synthesizer-based instrumentals, which doesn't seem to have ever been finished, as only a few song titles and one actual track (which may or may not be the title track) have emerged. Judging from that one song alone, this could have been an impressive disc.

[?] A BREED APART (1984)
One of Maurice's film scores. This soundtrack LP, available as a bootleg, was originally set for release in 1984 alongside the film. However, the film was delayed until 1986, and failed to make a splash upon release. The proposed soundtrack was scrapped.

[??] THE SUPERNATURALS (1985)
Though this was a finished work (another film score, to be precise), I'm putting it in the 'two question marks' category, as a release may have never actually been planned. Though Maurice's score appeared in some copies of the film (and Maurice actually has an on-screen cameo), the common version replaces his score with that of another composer. Thus, while it's possible that a soundtrack LP by Maurice could have been considered very early on, it most likely never went beyond the consideration phase. The reason it's even worth including here is that bootleggers actually took it upon themselves to release a CD of Maurice's score, obviously recorded directly from the film, in a deceptively legitimate-looking cover.

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ANDY GIBB
While Andy was not technically a Bee Gee, as he did not appear on any of their released material, he is still a Brother Gibb, and as such, his work is often included alongside that of the other three in discographies.

[?] (UNTITLED ALBUM) (1975)
While his older brothers were enjoying the start of their disco heyday, Andy was in Australia, trying to launch a career. He did manage to release one single there ("Words and Music"), which could have possibly been the title track of this album. Unfortunately, though this seems to have been completed, nothing else has emerged of this project.

[1] FLOWING RIVERS (1977)
[2] SHADOW DANCING (1978)
[3] AFTER DARK (1980)
Andy's brief output, cut short by his alarming use of drugs. By 1980, his ability to perform had deteriorated in such a way that Barry had to step in, with the result that "After Dark" is really an uncredited collaboration between the two - even including Barry on vocals (doing his best Andy impression) when Andy's cocaine-worn abilities were not sufficient.

[?] IT'S MY NEIGHBORHOOD (aka MAN ON FIRE) (1988)
Throughout the Eighties, Andy announced several times that he was planning a comeback album. This seems to be the most successful attempt, as it was actually given a title (which sources are unsure about - Gibb Songs calls it "It's My Neighborhood", while the official biography of the Bee Gees claims that that title was later changed to "Man On Fire.") A handful of songs are known to exist, and it seemed that Andy might've been onto something here, finally... until his death of heart disease before its completion.

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Well, that's everything... let's see what we have.

BEE GEES
* 22 officially released studio albums
* 2 unauthorized (but still commercially available) studio albums
* 1 unreleased (but complete) official studio album
* 1 unreleased album not intended for public ears
* 2 officially released live albums
* 1 unauthorized (but still commercially available) live album
* 3 soundtracks with notable Bee Gees involvement
* 1 soundtrack with little Bee Gees involvement, but several older Gibb compositions (some of which aren't performed by the group themselves)
* 1 soundtrack with a couple new Bee Gees tracks, as well as other new Gibb compositions performed by different artists

BARRY
* 4 officially released demo albums
* 1 sort-of officially released demo album
* 2 officially released full-fledged studio albums (I'll put "Hawks" in here too)
* 1 unreleased (but complete) official studio album
* 1 unreleased album that was technically revised and released

ROBIN
* 6 officially released studio album
* 1 officially released live album
* 1 possibly forthcoming studio album
* 1 unreleased (but complete) official solo album
* 1 unreleased solo album that may not actually exist

MAURICE
* 1 officially released stage cast album, with other artists
* 2 unreleased (but complete) official solo albums (I'm putting "A Breed Apart" in here)
* 1 unreleased and probably unfinished solo album
* 1 unreleased and probably unfinished collaboration with Ringo Starr
* 1 unreleased soundtrack probably not planned for release

ANDY
* 3 officially released albums
* 1 unreleased (but complete) official solo album
* 1 unreleased and unfinished solo album

It wouldn't really be fair to tally these up, as it's impossible to say what should be included in the tally. One thing to remember, however, is that despite the general distinction between group and solo albums, the group actually tends to lump solo works (sometimes, but not always, including Andy's) together with group recordings - solo tracks have appeared on official Bee Gees compilations, for example, and the upcoming "Mythology" box even includes a disc of Andy material. So it's fair to say that most of not all of the above albums can be considered 'Bee Gees albums', even if they're not strictly such.

Total, the four brothers at least stamped their headlining names on an astounding *64* albums, but again, this is a very, very broad look at their wide body of recordings.

Incidentally, as a note for collectors, very few of these (despite the wealth of unreleased projects) are totally unavailable - much of the rare material is available in bootleg form somewhere. These are the items you shouldn't hold your breath for, because you won't find 'em:

• BEE GEES - third Australian album [in its entirety - "If I Needed Someone" and "Another Tear Falls" have never emerged into the collector's circuit]
  
• BARRY - "Guilty Pleasures Demos" [entire tracks - the bootleg CD contains the truncated versions!]
• ROBIN - "My Own Work"
• ROBIN - "50 St. Catherine's Drive" [what exists of it now, at least]
• MAURICE - untitled synthesizer album with Ringo
• MAURICE - "Strings and Things"
• ANDY - untitled Australian album
• ANDY - "It's My Neighborhood" (or "Man On Fire")

The Bee Gees' albums... how many? (part 2)

Okay, homework's done with, so where were we? Ah, that's right, I stopped after "Staying Alive". Alright, so it's the early Eighties, and the Bee Gees aren't making any music together....

...Well, actually, they are. Though it obviously won't count towards our number of group albums, Robin's solo album "Walls Have Eyes" was really a joint project between all three brothers, and indeed, his brothers are clearly heard on tracks like 'Toys'. But, nevermind that, because the boys officially reformed shortly after.

[17] E.S.P. (1987)
[18] ONE (1989)
[19] HIGH CIVILISATION (1991)
Three more studio albums added to their catalog. This era is notable, as it marked the loss of brother Andy - something discussed forthright on the "One" album.

[??] THE BUNBURY TAILS (1992)
And we hit a snag here. The Bunburys were a cartoon helmed by Bee Gees compatriot David English, with some input from Barry. I don't believe that I've actually seen this credited as a Bee Gees album anywhere, though a number of the tracks on this soundtrack were either performed by the group or written by the group for other artists. (Sadly, this obscure album is the only official home of No Hat Moon's performance of Barry's stunning "Seasons".) So, our choice is either to toss it in the "Melody" pile, since four of the Gibbs' six contributions are by other artists; or to put it in the "Staying Alive" pile, since the songs were all written for this soundtrack. I'll choose the latter. (Now, don't make me explain those piles, because I'll just end up confusing myself. Just slap this alongside the other various artists LP's mentioned and let's move on before someone's brain aches...)

[20] SIZE ISN'T EVERYTHING (1993)
[21] STILL WATERS (1997)
Two more studio albums. Incidentally, 1995 was meant to include the release of "Love Songs," a compilation for which the group recorded a handful of new tracks; this never emerged (and no, this wasn't the recent compilation of that title), and the new tracks appeared elsewhere.

[?] ONE NIGHT ONLY (1998)
Again, as with "Here At Last", this is a live album. But man, I almost feel bad having to relegate it to "miscellaneous" status, because it's so damn important - it marked a major tour in the Bee Gees' careers, and was accompanied by a video. But, I suppose it just all comes down to being the truncated soundtrack to a video, shorn of six songs in order to fit on a single disc.

[22] THIS IS WHERE I CAME IN (2001)
One last studio album for the trio... at this point, the boys were recording tracks separately ("White Album" style I suppose), and their growing conflicts would continue to boil, even beyond Maurice's death in 2003.

However, as of late 2009, Robin and Barry have reformed (as the Bee Gees), so there's always the possibility of a 23rd album.........

[?] AUSTRALIAN TOUR 1989 (2009)
Thought I should throw this last minute addition onto the pile. This commercially released two-disc set of the "One For All" tour was released without the brothers' permission, due to some copyright loophole in Australia that allows the unauthorized release of live recordings 20 years after recording takes place. This still seems fairly unknown by fans, but time will tell if the brothers give it any official notice.

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Alright, that covers the Bee Gees as a group.... now things get really ugly.

BARRY GIBB SOLO

[?] THE KID'S NO GOOD (1970)
See, here's why the solo projects get so ugly - because many of them were never released (or necessarily finished), so it's impossible to determine which should count and which shouldn't, since they obviously didn't inspire a release, no matter their state of completion. (More on that later.) This particular album, recorded during the Bee Gees' 1970 split, was finished. This was Barry's entry into a trio of solo albums that would be worked on, and scrapped, during that time period.

[1] GUILTY DEMOS (1979 / 2006)
[2] HEARTBREAKER DEMOS (1982 / 2006)
[3] EYES THAT SEE IN THE DARK DEMOS (1983 / 2006)
And then here's another issue. Alright, so, during the Bee Gees' post-Fever lull, Barry enjoyed writing entire albums for artists; and for each, he would record a private version of the entire album as a guideline for the respective artist. All of these were released on iTunes a couple years ago. So, after years of bootleg copies, they have entered the realm of released recordings - the only confusion lies in how to number them. Either they should be numbered according to recording chronology in relation to Barry's other albums, or they should be numbered based on their 2006 release. I'll leave that decision up to readers.

[4] NOW VOYAGER (1984)
The first Barry album to actually reach the market - well, Barry by himself, as he featured heavily on the artists' final versions of his demo recordings. This was accompanied by a short film showcasing the album's music.

[5] EATEN ALIVE DEMOS (1985 / 2006)
One more demo album, this time for Diana Ross. Unlike the others, this was never bootlegged; and the iTunes version is lacking the title track, the rights for which lay in the hands of its co-author, Michael Jackson.

[?] MOONLIGHT MADNESS (1986)
An unreleased album. I'm less apt to count this one, because much of the material would be recycled a couple years later on a similar LP. (Incidentally, this album is also sometimes referred to as "My Eternal Love.")

[6] HAWKS (1988)
And this is what became of "Moonlight Madness." That scrapped album was revamped as this movie soundtrack, all of which is performed by Barry, save "Chain Reaction" by Diana Ross (which was also a Gibb composition).

Well, that's all of Barry's solo albums, really.... except this little bit of confusion:

[?] GUILTY PLEASURES DEMOS (2005)
For the sequel to his 1979 project with Barbra Streisand, Barry wrote another album's worth of songs, and recorded an album's worth of demos (save "Don't Throw It All Away" and "Letting Go", which were previously released). So we can at least toss this in the 'unreleased' pile... or can we? Well, yes and no. Barry DID release these tracks, but not in any concrete form; their only appearance was in the 'Radio' stream on Barry's site, and there, they were intentionally faded in and out so that fans only heard two-minute-or-so chunks of them. Unless we see a full release someday (which may not occur, as Barry's iTunes days seem to be over), I won't count this.

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Off to bed I go... as soon as I can, I'll wrap this up. Robin's releases are fairly straightforward, Andy's have some interesting points, and as for Maurice... well, we'll see when I get there. His discography is a bit of a disaster.

The Bee Gees albums.... how many?? (part 1)

Next year, the Bee Gees will be celebrating their 50th anniversary. (Some of you are going "Holy shit, Stayin' Alive came out 50 years ago?") Since their foundation in 1960 (which doesn't seem right, as I believe they started recording demos in 1958 - but this isn't my place to judge), they've recorded.... well, a lot of albums, both as a group and as solo artists.

But it's time to look back and think... just how many albums did these three talented brothers churn out, anyway? The Bee Gees' discography is complicated, because no one has a set opinion on what exactly constitutes their catalog. Does Andy's music count? Does "Saturday Night Fever" count, even though it's not strictly a Bee Gees album? What about the unreleased albums? The Australian albums? The unauthorized third Australian album? But wait, weren't there FOUR Australian albums?

Alright, let's sort this out. Albums with numbers are certainly counted; albums with one question should be counted, but most likely aren't officially counted by the Bee Gees; albums with two question marks are more confusing.

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THE BEE GEES AS A GROUP

[1] THE BEE GEES SING AND PLAY 14 BARRY GIBB SONGS (1965 - Australia only)
The first album, plain and simple, even though it was technically comprised mainly of previously released singles.

[2] SPICKS AND SPECKS (1966 - Australia only)
The second album. Also known as "Monday's Rain."

[??] (THIRD AUSTRALIAN ALBUM?) (1966)
An entire album exists of outtakes from around the time of the "Spicks and Specks" album sessions. Much of this material (save two tracks, which haven't even been bootlegged) appeared on the 'Inception/Nostalgia' collection. However, given the fact that some of these tracks are merely sloppy in-studio piss takes of other artists' songs, it's unlikely that this was intended for release, despite rumors otherwise. Why this even exists as a record is unknown.

[3] BEE GEES' FIRST (1967)
Whoa, wait... it certainly isn't! Well, it was the Bee Gees' first international album, and since they were unknown outside of Australia at this point, no one else would have been aware in the slightest that they had two local albums there. Calling this "Bee Gees' Third" would've been silly.

[?] TURN AROUND, LOOK AT US (1967 - Australia only)
This one's tough, as the Bee Gees seem to ignore it completely, especially since they didn't authorize it to begin with. After the boys had moved back to England, their Australian label released *this* as their third album, despite it containing absolutely no new material - just more as-yet-uncompiled singles and some repeats from "Sing and Play". The status of this rare LP depends on who you ask, really.

[4] HORIZONTAL (1968)
The Bee Gees' second international album.

[5] IDEA (1968)
The Bee Gees' third international album.

[6] ODESSA (1969)
The Bee Gees' fourth international album, and last with all three brothers for a little while. (Note that this was later split into two separate LP's - "Sound Of Love" and "Marley Purt Drive".)

[?] INCEPTION / NOSTALGIA (1970)
A very bizarre release. This 2-LP set of unique material (all Australian outtakes, some of which originally appeared on the mysterious unreleased 1966 LP) was released on Polydor without the consent of the group... but only in Germany and France. The brothers didn't even know about it until they found it in a Swiss record store after the fact. Even still, it is entirely fresh material... but then, the fact that they didn't consent to it probably bumps it from their catalog.

[7] CUCUMBER CASTLE (1970)
Credited as "The Bee Gees", though it isn't really... Robin Gibb was off on his own at this point, leaving Barry and Maurice to create both this album and an accompanying TV movie featuring its music.

[8] 2 YEARS ON (1970)
The group's 'reunion album', featuring the return of Robin.

[??] MELODY (1971)
A soundtrack album, which features one new Bee Gees track (a remake of "In The Morning" from Inception/Nostalgia), a couple older tracks, and some orchestral covers of Bee Gees tunes. Half of the album is completely unrelated to the group. Not quite the caliber of their contributions to "Saturday Night Fever", because their actual work on this soundtrack is limited to one track. If it wasn't for the Bee Gees' official biography "Tales Of The Brothers Gibb" claiming that people commonly mistake this obscure soundtrack for a Bee Gees' album, it wouldn't even be worth a mention.

[9] TRAFALGAR (1971)
[10] TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN (1972)
[11] LIFE IN A TIN CAN (1973)
Standard releases, nothing of note to mention.

[?] A KICK IN THE HEAD IS WORTH EIGHT IN THE PANTS (1973)
And then we hit this one. This LP, which was actually completed and sequenced into a reasonable track order, was recorded as the follow-up to the dull "Life In A Tin Can", but cancelled when group manager Robert Stigwood decided it was 'not worthy of them.' (Being far superior to "Tin Can" in many fans' eyes, Stigwood may have made a mistake.) It may be safe to say that the group doesn't consider a scrapped album, especially one that they have openly dismissed as poor material (....Christ, guys! It has "Castles In The Air", a wonderful song!!), as part of their catalog. The only thing that may change this is if Rhino finally continues their reissue series, and puts this album out once and for all. Time will tell.

[12] MR. NATURAL (1974)
[13] MAIN COURSE (1975)
[14] CHILDREN OF THE WORLD (1976)
More standard studio albums, nothing of note.

[?] HERE AT LAST... LIVE (1977)
This one's tricky. While it is technically part of their standard stream of releases, the group apparently doesn't consider it one of their primary releases, due to it being a live album. We'll leave this one up in the air.

[?] SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER (1977)
Okay... let's look at the facts here. a) The four songs that start this album were intended for the Bee Gees' next studio album, and not a movie. b) More of that studio album was recorded, and not used here. c) Much of the material on this soundtrack is not related to the Bee Gees. d) In spite of this, the Bee Gees are on the front cover, and were given top billing for the film's score. In the grand scheme of things, the Bee Gees are probably given an unfair amount of credit for what is just a various artists soundtrack. Hell, two of their songs are just pulled from older albums. But, the cold hard fact is, to the group's chagrin, this is the album most associated with them. I honestly don't know.

[?] SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND (1978)
Yes, the Bee Gees have disowned both this album and the film, refusing to include Robin's hit version of "Oh! Darling" on any of their authorized compilations. However, the group's contribution to this soundtrack is MUCH larger than that of "Saturday Night Fever," with at least one of the brothers appearing on half (or more) of the songs in the two LP set. It is, like SNF, technically a various artists album however, so it's silly to give the Bee Gees full credit, especially when they really, really don't want credit for this.

[15] SPIRITS HAVING FLOWN (1979)
[16] LIVING EYES (1981)
Nothing confusing here, either - just two more studio albums.

[?] STAYING ALIVE (1983)
The soundtrack to the "Saturday Night Fever" sequel. Like its predecessor, the Bee Gees are often given top billing for this soundtrack, despite half of it being by other artists. (This one's only a single LP, so the Bee Gees' five new songs, plus a drastically edited version of "Stayin' Alive", comprise a full half.) It's actually not even certain that these is true Bee Gees music, as Barry is the only member detectable - at this point, Robin and Maurice were actually off working on their own projects, and may not be on these tracks at all. Who knows? Toss this one in the "various artists" pile with SNF, Melody and Pepper.

Alright, so we're to the Bee Gees' Eighties split... and I need to do homework! :-P More to come...

The stoner sensibility, revealed!

This was too good to pass up writing a note about it.

A while ago, I was researching via Google to see just how widespread pot use is today. I found an article on Jezebel.com called "35 Celebrities Who Smoke Pot." One passage in particular caught my attention:

"In the summer of 2005, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) hosted a smoke-in to promote the legalization of marijuana. Celebrities that participated: Willie Nelson, Woody Harrelson (obvs), Bette Midler, Santana, Chicago, David Crosby and Graham Nash, Rod Stewart, The New Jefferson Starship, Tony Orlando, Ringo Starr, Tommy Chong, Snoop Dogg, and Robert Downey Jr."

This passage includes a link to the source for the supposed news, a site called Friends of Cannabis. Following this link, I found that they obviously took this story very seriously:

"WASHINGTON - The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) will sponsor a smoke-in to promote the group's campaign to legalize marijuana. The weekend event, called the Great American Pot Luck Festival, will be held at Daytona International Speedway in Florida, July 8-10. Sponsors include Grecian Formula, Cialis, Fixodent, Beano, Depends, and Correctol with Stool Softener. AARP's chief executive officer, William Novelli, held a press conference in the group's Washington, D.C., office yesterday to publicize the event. Wearing a T-shirt that read "We Smoke and We Vote," Novelli told reporters, "People who think the AARP is a haven for old windbags that sit around comparing HMOs or discussing their bowel movements are in for a surprise."

Now, look at this carefully. The sponsors alone should give away the ruse. But oh no, good old Friends of Cannabis obviously saw this article online and jumped at the possibility that the world was finally coming around to their beloved druggy haze.

And where did they most likely see this article?

The Spoof, an Onion-type website specializing in parody news articles. You can read the original article here.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not writing this note as a slam against anyone; I'm merely writing it to point out a funny situation. But damn, it definitely says something, dunnit? :-P

(D/L) 'Whoomp' uncensored - by request!

I'd like to fulfill Mark's request here... this is the "Original Club Version" of Whoomp There It Is, sourced from the 12" single. This is the original version, uncensored - NOT the Magic City Version! I honestly don't think this appeared elsewhere, not even on Tag Team's otherwise uncensored album. (That's a great question, how'd that album not get a Parental Advisory sticker??)

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=265L3GGK

I was considering posting the rip-off "XXX Version" single as well, but a) it obviously wasn't made by Tag Team (though their song is sampled), and b) it bares little resemblance to "Whoomp There It Is" anyway.

The "Whoomp!" Project - tracks needed!! (updated)

I'm trying to finish a project I've been working on for quite a long time.... just a little throwback to my childhood. I'd like to create a 2-CD set of all of the singles (there were quite a few) released of "Whoomp! There It Is". Go ahead, laugh. :-P

However, I need some tracks that are especially hard to find. Here's the potential tracklist, as well as what I have and still need:

UPDATE (11/3) - Expanded the tracklist, but I have all the new tracks.

DISC ONE
01) Whoomp! There It Is [Original Club Version] - have. This is the uncensored version of the original mix, and is EXTREMELY rare. I found it on a 12" single.
02) Whoomp! There It Is [Magic City Version] - have
03) Whoomp! There It Is [Dirty Acapella] - have
04) Whoomp! There It Is [Radio Edit] - have
05) Whoomp! There It Is [Clean Club Mix] - have
06) Whoomp! There It Is [House Mix] - have
07) Whoomp! There It Is [Clean Acapella] - have
08) Whoomp! There It Is [Instrumental] - have
09) Whoomp! There It Is [WPGC Remix] - have
10) Whoomp! There It Is [KPWR Remix] - have
11) Whoomp! There It Is [Suburban Remix #1] - have
12) Whoomp! There It Is [Suburban Remix #2] - have
13) Whoomp! There It Is [Shake Your Booty European Remix] - DON'T HAVE! This is only on the European "Whoomp: The Remixes" single, which is very, very expensive to buy online. I was hoping someone would already own it.
14) Whoomp! Si Lo Es [Original Mix] - have
15) Whoomp! Si Lo Es [Montuno Mix] - have
16) Whoomp! Si Lo Es [Abanero Mix] - have

DISC TWO

01) Whoomp! Si Lo Es [La Descarga Vocal Mix] - have
02) Whoomp! Si Lo Es [La Descarga Mix] - have
03) Whoomp! There It Is XXX Version [Pimpin' Mix] - have; I debated over including this cash-in by 'Pimp Team' (who AREN'T Tag Team - the vocalist is female, and the lyrics are replaced with a LeWanda Page-ish monologue), but the Tag Team version is obviously sampled.
04) Whoomp! There It Is XXX Version [Pimpinest Mix]
05) Whoomp! There It Is XXX Version [Pimpin' Beats and Pieces]
06) Whoomp! There It Is XXX Version [Pimpamental]
07) Whoomp! There It Is XXX Version [Pimpapella]
08) Addams Family Whoomp [Master Mix] - have
09) Addams Family Whoomp [TV Mix From Master] - DON'T HAVE!
10) Addams Family Whoomp [Extended Mix] - have
11) Addams Family Whoomp [Techno Mix With Guitar] - have
12) Addams Family Whoomp! [TV Mix From Techno] - DON'T HAVE!
13) Addams Family Whoomp! [Extended Techno Mix] - have
14) Whoomp! There It Went [Mickey's Radio Mix] - have
15) Whoomp! There It Went [Instrumental Mix] - have

Okay, I have all but THREE SONGS - if anyone can help me out, lemme know!

(D/L) A Bee Gees Halloween 2006

Here's a true gem which, sadly, seems impossible to find online nowadays... which is why I needed to share it here! :-)

While I did my best to one-up the bootleg "A Bee Gees Christmas" (my version can be found in one of my first-ever posts on this blog), I had no need to revamp "A Bee Gees Halloween" - a Gibb fan named Visionmixer already took on that task, and did a brilliant job of it! Unlike the original Christmas CD, the Halloween disc was done as a continuous megamix of appropriate Bee Gees tracks. Unfortunately, the final product, created by an anonymous fan, was a bit rough on the editing side. (Having also heard the absolute mess that was the original Christmas CD, this isn't surprising!) Luckily however, five years later, the mysterious Visionmixer released their own version, smoothing out the rough cuts and adding a wonderfully effective layer of creepy sound effects and movie clips.

Sadly, this new version ("A Bee Gees Halloween 2006") doesn't seem to have gotten around to very many people; in fact, the only site I know of that contained the album is now dead, currently serving as a placeholder for some porn outfit. That's why, to usher in October 2009, I'm posting the album here for everyone's enjoyment!

You can grab it here...
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=XZRYK26C

As Visionmixer released the album as one long MP3, here's a handy tracklist for your reference:
01) Creepy Intro [samples from the fan club record "The Rescue Of Bonnie Prince Wally"]
02) Haunted House
03) Moonlight Madness
04) Spirits Having Flown
05) E.S.P. [mashed with "Sweet Song Of Summer"]
06) One O'Clock In The Morning [a remix of "Castles In The Air"]
07) Christian Incantation [a remix containing elements of "Every Christian Lion Hearted Man Will Show You" and "Lion In Winter"]
08) I Held A Party
09) Ghost Train
10) Party With No Name
11) Eaten Alive
12) Giving Up The Ghost
13) The Boogieman [a remix of "Boogie Child"]
14) Tragedy
15) You Wear A Disguise [a remix of "Jive Talkin'", with a bit of "You Win Again"]
16) Dead In The Night [a remix of "Paper Mache, Cabbages and Kings"]
17) Christmas Eve Or Halloween
18) Possession

Please note... there are some very minor digital glitches in here, but nothing that should spoil your enjoyment. Given the extreme rarity of this version (especially since Visionmixer seems to have disappeared from the 'Net), a flawless copy is likely impossible to find.

Enjoy! Oh, and if you're burning this to a CD, lemme know - I'll dig out the cover artwork I made and post it here.

A few words about Richard Wright...

You know, when Richard Wright passed away last September, I don't think I reacted particularly strongly; I think I felt "Oh, Pink Floyd's disappearing on us" (as we lost Syd a few years ago... though some would argue that we lost Syd 40 years ago), and "Oh, I wonder what Roger Waters thinks about this" - referring of course to Roger's longtime dislike of Rick.

As time has passed, I've come to realize that what I've heard people say is true - Richard Wright really was the soul of Pink Floyd. He wasn't just the "silent keyboardist" that I took him to be; the more I examine their music, the more I realize that Richard's contributions are incredibly valuable.

Just some of Richard's greatest hits...

* "A Saucerful Of Secrets" (Ummagumma version) - It may just be that this was one of the albums I owned in grade school, but I feel this particular live version of "Saucerful" to be the definite rendition. The second section ('Syncopated Pandemonium') still drops my jaw to this day, with Nick's rigid drum loop matched by the unearthly roars of Dave's guitar. My true attraction to this track, however, is when Rick's Farfisa organ takes over for the final two sections ('Storm Signal' and 'Celestial Voices'). The latter in particular chills me to this day.

* "Summer '68" - One of the most overlooked songs in Floyd's catalog, this song rests in the middle of the 'Atom Heart Mother' LP. The piano part is pleasant enough but damn, when those horns kick in, you need to crank your speakers up.

* "Breathe" - Richard's contribution to this track seems to be quite ignored, but in fact gave the song a distinctive flavor. Try to play the chords in this song. Notice how strange and jazzy some of them are? Rick came up with those. In the "Making of Dark Side..." DVD, he plays the chords as they were before originally written before he suggested replacements, and the song just doesn't have that same class to it.

* "Us and Them" - While the wartime lyrics are definitely Roger's, the melody is a Rick creation. This song began as an instrumental titled "The Violent Sequence," and was intended for the score of the Italian film 'Zabriskie Point.' However, director Michelangelo Antonioni disliked the track (his same feeling towards most of Floyd's score), so it drifted into obscurity as part of a long instrumental that Floyd slipped into their live shows. Until, of course, the group started putting together their new suite, temporarily titled "Eclipse," which saw Richard dusting off his unloved instrumental for use as the basis of a mood-shifting topical tune.

* "The Great Gig In The Sky" - Obviously, discussion of Rick's contributions to 'Dark Side of the Moon' aren't complete without a mention of this one. A late addition to the suite formerly known as "Eclipse," this song's slot was previously filled by discordant instrumentals and religiously themed sound collages. However, perfection was not achieved until Richard reworked the "Breathe"/"Any Colour You Like" melody into this ultimate musical expression of death, perfectly complimented by the improvised wails of Clare Torry. Love it or hate it (and believe me, I know people that *hate* this song), you'll never forget it.

* "Sysyphus" - Yes, I do realize that the second disc of 'Ummagumma' isn't the most pleasant Pink Floyd product in the world, being a disconnected collection of experimental tracks. However, Richard's "Sysyphus" suite is worth a listen, as its cool mixed-bag nature overcomes its flaws. A fantastic, thundering riff; a pleasant little piano section; interesting synthesizer work; and even a really weird avant-garde bit with weird chipmunk voices. (Not quite as bizarre as Roger's "Several Species of Small Furry Animals..." however!) The live version was even more interesting, as much of it consisted of that thundering riff, starting out weakly, played solo by Rick, and steadily growing to colossal strength.

* "Love Scene No. 4" - A pleasant counterpart to "The Violent Sequence," this is another track from the Zabriskie Point sessions, recorded as musical accompaniment to a scene about, if I'm not mistaken, hippies having sex in the desert. Yeah, it's one of those weird Sixties movies. Anyways, the track was unused, but appeared on the expanded edition of the soundtrack CD. This is mood music at its best - a seven minute slow jazz piece performed solo by Richard on piano. (An unreleased mix adds vibes on top of his performance, spoiling it quite a bit.)

* "See Saw" - Most of the attention paid to side 2 of 'A Saucerful of Secrets' goes to the title track and Syd's insane musical farewell, "Jugband Blues." However, I feel that more attention should be paid to Richard's track, sandwiched between those two. Originally titled "The Most Boring Song I've Ever Heard Bar Two" (no, Richard doesn't seem to have revealed the other two), this simple song of two childhood playmates is rendered just plain creepy by the musical arrangement, especially Rick's wispy organ notes.

I know, somebody was probably expecting me to gush over the musical merits of "It Would Be So Nice"... but, to be honest, no. Just absolutely, positively no. Give me the b-side (Roger's incredibly creepy "Julia Dream" - SSSYYYYYDDD!), and allow me to pass on the a-side with the explanation that even geniuses can make horrible, horrible mistakes. :-P

The 90's - land of a million one hit wonders! (UPDATED 10/13)

I've noticed something about a lot of my favorite songs from the Nineties... the artists faded away shortly after the song I liked. This happened nearly every time. But... they were such great songs!

So here's my goal... to make a list of 50 great one hit wonders from the Nineties. Perhaps I'll find 'em all and post them here in ZIPs when the list is done, for anyone who wants to reminisce. For now, I'm jotting down all the ones I can think of, in the hopes that someone could add to this list. :-)

UPDATED: We finally hit fifty! No help from anyone else, mind you...

Here's what I have so far.

001) The Proclaimers - "(I'm Gonna Be) 500 Miles"

002) Chumbawamba - "Tubthumping"
* other notables: "Amnesia", "She's Got All The Friends That Money Can Buy"

003) Stakka Bo - "Here We Go"

004) Tag Team - "Whoomp! There It Is"

005) Lucas - "Lucas With The Lid Off"

006) 4 P.M. - "Sukiyaki"

007) Nicki French - "Total Eclipse Of The Heart"

008) Kris Kross - "Jump"

009) Stereo MC's - "Connected"

010) Crystal Waters - "100% Pure Love"

011) Los Del Rio - "Macarena"

012) The Rembrandts - "I'll Be There For You"

013) Sir Mix-A-Lot - "Baby Got Back"
* other notables: "Put 'Em On The Glass"

014) Scatman John - "I'm The Scatman"

015) Smart-E's - "Sesame's Treet"

016) Rednex - "Cotton Eyed Joe"

017) 20 Fingers with Gillette - "Short Dick Man" [aka "Short Short Man"]

018) Adina Howard - "Freak Like Me"

019) Snow - "Informer"
* other notables: "Girl I've Been Hurt"

020) Right Said Fred - "I'm Too Sexy"
* other notables: "Don't Talk, Just Kiss"

021) Spin Doctors - "Two Princes"
* other notables: "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong"

022) Billy Ray Cyrus - "Achy Breaky Heart"

023) Gerardo - "Rico Suave"

024) Marcy Playground - "Sex and Candy"

025) Semisonic - "Closing Time"

026) Hanson - "MMMBop"
* other notables: "Where's The Love", "Man From Milwaukee"

027) Deee-Lite - "Groove Is In The Heart"

028) Big Mountain - "Baby I Love Your Way"

029) Wreckx-n-Effect - "Rump Shaker"

030) OMC - "How Bizarre"

031) Inner Circle - "Bad Boys"
* other notables: "Sweat (A-La-La-La-La-Long)"

032) The Rentals - "Friends Of P"

033) 4 Non Blondes - "What's Up"

034) Luscious Jackson - "Naked Eye"

035) B*witched - "C'est La Vie"

036) Deep Blue Something - "Breakfast At Tiffany's"

037) Del Amitri - "Roll To Me"

038) Joan Osborne - "One Of Us"

039) Green Jello - "Three Little Pigs"

040) Harvey Danger - "Flagpole Sitta"

041) Eagle Eye Cherry - "Save Tonight"

042) The Ben Folds Five - "Brick"

043) Natalie Imbruglia - "Torn"

044) Lisa Loeb - "Stay (I Missed You)"

045) Squirrel Nut Zippers - "Hell"

046) Baz Luhrmann - "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)"

047) Vanilla Ice - "Ice Ice Baby"

* other notables: None, really, but I'll give credit to his stupid 'comeback' song about "rolling up the hootie-mack". Just for its usage of the phrase "roll up the hootie mack."

048) Shampoo - "Trouble"

* I have no idea how I forgot this! I actually owned this awful song!

049) Lou Bega - "Mambo No. 5"

050) DiVinyls - "I Touch Myself"

HONORABLE MENTION: The Four Seasons - "December 1963 (Oh What A Night) [Dance Version]"
* Not strictly a one-hit wonder, as they had more than their share of hits in their prime; but this was a mere one-off hit during their brief Nineties comeback.

Well, that's fifty, finally!!

(Incidentally - notice how many of these were either a) used by Weird Al in either a parody or a polka, or b) parodied on Bill Nye The Science Guy...)

Retro Corner: You're Not Supposed To Be Here

Still shakin it, 13 years later...

Okay, I'm not really sure if "Retro Corner" is going to be a recurring post category; if it is, it's basically going to be "old things I typed that some people might find interesting, about stuff that's old."

So, here, uh... here's something for all you old gamers - a guide to all the secret messages in "Duke Nukem 3D", and all the official add-on episodes! This should be everything; unfortunately, though an official add-on, "Duke!Zone 2" has no secret messages. At all. Not in the episodes, at least; I once considered scouring the massive load of user maps included on the disc, and did find some messages... but of course, trying to look through ALL those levels would be far too unwieldy a task.

(Note that times have changed since the DOS days, and so have graphic capabilities. Versions of Duke 3D circulating around the 'Net today have revised graphics, which means that darkness is rendered rather differently than in 1996. Originally, with the Night Vision Goggles, secret messages on dark walls would show up green - an advantage lost on modern-day versions. So, be sure to set your port of choice to a 'classic' graphics mode in order to see the messages clearly.)

=========================================

EPISODE 1: L.A. MELTDOWN

E1M1: Hollywood Holocaust

• 867-5309 - Above a urinal in the bathroom.
• STRYKER METRONET.COM - Inside the rightmost bathroom stall. This was Allen H. Blum's email address at the time; however, there is no "@" symbol in the Duke Nukem font.

E1M3: Death Row

• BEHIND THE BABE - In the jail cell with the babe and the bed (with a secret tunnel behind it) is a small cavern. Duck inside, and turn on your goggles. (This is a clue to an area later in the level, where a girly poster conceals the path to the exit, Shawshank Redemption-style.)

E1M4: Toxic Dump

• HOW DID YOU GET HERE? - Above the starting point are three platforms. The rightmost platform has a secret door on it; the secret message is inside.

E1M5: The Abyss

• GO WITH THE FLOW - Below the starting point is a locked gate, and right inside the gate is a small, dark cul-de-sac. Inside there, this message can be seen with goggles.
• YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE - This message from the Levelord can be seen by finding your way to the volcano, and using the jetpack to get into the tunnel where the shrinker.
• S U Y T - Deep inside the volcano is a secret cave with a dancing girl in it. Look very closely at the right wall inside the cave. (Incidentally, this stands for "Show Us Your Tits"... unfortunately, she won't!)
• DOPEFISH LIVES - On the way to the boss is a long chasm in which you have to jump across pillars. Near the start of the chasm, use the jetpack to float down to the lava. This message (a reference to Apogee's mascot) is at the base of one of the pillars. Incidentally, the N64 version has an alternate message in this area - WOTS YOUR BEEF SPECCY. I found an explanation for this once... some in-joke, but I don't remember exactly what the deal was.
  

EPISODE 2: LUNAR APOCALYPSE

E2M1: Spaceport

• U.S.S. FRAMERATE - Use DNCLIP to go through the window at the start. This message is on the opposite side of the spaceship.

E2M2: Incubator

• 1138 - In the large room near the starting point is a bank of computers with a secret room behind it. In the secret room is a monitor, which holds this message, a reference to the movie "THX 1138."
• 1138 - This number appears again in the bright hallway immediately past the large room, under the large EDF logo.

E2M3: Warp Factor

• BLUM BED CO. - This reference Allen H. Blum is on the back of the bed (closest to the monitors) in the Really Ready Room.

E2M7: Lunar Reactor

• BITE ME - Stand on the toilet in the leftmost bathroom stall, and turn right. The message should be right in front of your face.

E2M8: Dark Side

• JUMP INTO THE MONOLITH - In the room with the monolith (which teleports you to the exit room) is a small box. This message is on the back of it, and is visible with the night-vision goggles.
  

EPISODE 3: SHRAPNEL CITY

E3M1: Raw Meat

• PUSH HER BUTTON - At the end of the first hallway inside the sushi restaurant (pass the girlie poster, which this message is describing), behind the vase, is this message. The goggles needed to view it are right behind the vase.
• PUSH ME - This message, also seen with the goggles, can be seen in the small cabinet in the floating bar.
• NO ONE SHOULD BE HERE - In the room with the exit, DNCLIP through the crack, and walk through the fake Bank Roll. This message from the Levelord is seen where the ATMs should be.

E3M3: Flood Zone

• THE CRACK BELOW - In the first open area of the level, is an underwater crack in the mountainside. At some point, a cave should blow open above the crack. This message is inside, and is visible with goggles.
• ANAAL OOOTHRIC - To the right of the blue key is a little niche with water and steam. This message (visible with goggles) is inside. Incidentally, this phrase means "dragon's breath", and was taken from the movie "Excalibur".

E3M4: L.A. Rumble

• UNDER THE KNIFE - Use your goggles in the dark lobby of the doctor's office.
• YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE...EITHER - Use DNCLIP to pass through the window in the final room, and walk around to the air-conditioning fans. This Levelord message is floating in the air above them.

E3M5: Movie Set

• PUSH THE REGISTER NOT THE SNACKS - Use your goggles in the lobby of the subway station.
• JUMP AT THE EARTH - Enter the small spaceship set, and turn around. Look at the dark wall to the right of the entrance with your goggles. (You may need to step back from the wall - if you're too close, the pixellation of the textures seems to obscure this.)

E3M6: Rabid Transit

• TELLTALE FOOTPRINTS - Walk up the stairway covered with babes and explosives, and use your goggles in the cave at the top.

E3M7: Fahrenheit

• BREAK THE BOTTLES - Use your goggles on the dark wall in the apartment.

E3M8: Hotel Hell

• BEHIND THE FOUNTAIN - Use your goggles on the dark corner wall at the end of the second floor hallway.
• CHECK THE VINTAGE - Walk to the end of the secret tunnel above the second floor aquarium, and use your goggles on the wall to the right of the opening that allows you to jump down into the aquarium.
• DUKE WAS HERE 2017 - This message is inside the dilapidated bathroom stall, accessible from the swimming pool. However, the two rows of text were accidentally squished into one, so what's left of this message is an unreadable blob near the ceiling, which can be fixed with Build.
  

EPISODE 4: THE BIRTH [Atomic Edition add-on]

E4M1: It's Impossible

• ARE YOU SMALL OR ARE YOU CHEATING? - In the kitchen is a small, watery tunnel. Use DNCLIP to follow this tunnel around to the other side of the wall, where this message is hidden.
• LOOKING FOR SECRETS? - Type DNSHOWMAP, then look at the map. Outside of the level are two small, inaccessible squares that are side by side. Use DNCLIP to get into them. This message from a mysterious individual named DUV is on a wall in the square that holds the weathergirl graphics.
• C'MON, QUIT CHEATING - This other message from DUV is in the square next door, which holds the "Mission" text.

E4M3: Shop-N-Bag

• RUN YOUR ASS OFF - Use DNCLIP to get into the crawlspace on the left wall, immediately before the crushers that block the path to the exit button.

E4M5: Pigsty

• OPEN J. DREDD - To the right of the blue key is a small, dark alleyway. This message (a clue to the whereabouts of the secret exit) is inside, on the left wall.
• FISH - Go through the red key door, and look closely at the inside of the left arm of the couch. This word can be seen - a reference to the classic detective show, "Fish".
• B MILLER - On the other arm of the couch is this message, a reference to the classic cop comedy "Barney Miller."

E4M10: The Queen

• TAG IS COOL - Again, you'll need to type DNSHOWMAP and examine the map closely. Quite a bit away from the main level is a small, square room that holds Randall Pitchford's signature. Make your way there with DNCLIP. On a wall inside this room is the final message of the Atomic Edition.
  

VACATION DUKEMATCH [Duke Caribbean add-on]

3: Cruise Ship

• SO...COME HERE OFTEN? - Take the elevator up to the little second floor balcony. Above the Wavemistress logo is an inaccessible platform with a large white tower and a small transmitter. Use DNCLIP to climb up there, and look at the back of the tower.
• CHEAT OFTEN? - The right exit from the swimming pool deck takes you down a ramp, where there is a Conchinator and a "Cha-Cha's Galore" poster. Above and to the right of this is another platform with a white tower and small transmitters. Use DNCLIP to go up there - this message is on the tower.
  

LIFE'S A BEACH [Duke Caribbean add-on]

2: Market Melee

• AKNOT! WOT? - After escaping from the jail cell, go around and behind the Duke Nukem bus. There is a small striped barrier that blocks your path. DNCLIP through it, and continue past the wooden cart to find this message.
• BADABOOM - Across from the store with the ice machine in front of it is a small alley with a huge, recessed "Cha Cha's Galore" poster. Enter the small store here, and press the identical poster within. The large poster now opens, revealing a secret area. Inside, go past the Restricted Area signs, to find an open area with a boat. To your right is a gate to the ocean. DNCLIP through this gate, and turn around; the message is floating in mid-air.

4: The Wavemistress

• SO...COME HERE OFTEN? - See 'Cruise Ship'.
• CHEAT OFTEN? - See 'Cruise Ship'.

5: Lost Lagoon

• STOP CHEATING - From the start, follow the river. Before long, up and to your left will be a high platform with a statue on it. Type DNKROZ (or any other cheat that gives you the jetpack) and fly up to that platform. The secret message is in plain view. (Oddly, the "O" in STOP is missing... and there's a Mr. Splashy head to greet you as well!) Incidentally, you may want to check this out before you go to far into the level - once the bridge to this platform appears, the message vanishes.
• DESTROY THE ONE THAT DOES NOT STAND THE SUN - Do messages get any more obvious than this?? To the right of the blue door (which leads to the strange maze), there is a cramped cave that you have to crawl through. Keep following it - at one point, Duke mentions that there is a clue nearby. On the wall in front of the sunglasses (i.e., the night-vision goggles) is this message. (The same message is there whether it's day or night, by the way.)

6: Voodoo Caves

• YOU PROBABLY CHEATED - Past the red door, you must walk across a very deep canyon. Jump from the bridge towards the waterfall - you want to land in the little pond at its base. Dive under, and pop up on the other side. This message from "Bliss" is seen, as well as a couple health items.
  

DUKE IT OUT IN D.C. [Duke It Out In D.C. add-on]

3: Nuked Files

• DECEIVE INVEIGLE OBFUSCATE - Next to the metro station at the very end of the level is a pile of sandbags that can't be crossed. DNCLIP past this, and turn right. The message is on a large, black wall.

10: Top Secret

• PUSH BILL - Well, alright, this one's not hidden per se. After getting the blue key, jump down to the conveyor belt and follow it through the opening on the right. Turn into the red-lit room, which has a crack that lets you peek into one of the last rooms of the level. On the wall in the red room is this message. (Incidentally, this is a hint to a secret back towards the start of the level.)
  

NUCLEAR WINTER [Duke Nuclear Winter add-on]

2: Where It All Began

• 867-5309 - See 'Hollywood Holocaust'.
• STRYKER METRONET.COM - See 'Hollywood Holocaust'.

Saturday Night Live's 35th Anniversary - an educated guess

Though nothing has been said about it yet, something will inevitably happen in October or November of this year: Saturday Night Live's 35th Anniversary Special, following the 15th in 1989 and the 25th in 1999. Much has changed since the last special - Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri are no longer representatives of "current SNL", Jimmy Fallon went from featured player to cast member to alumni to talk show host, another former cast member passed away, the show began airing in HD, and the TV Funhouse segments disappeared in favor of the SNL Digital Shorts.

Since we still have a few months, I thought I would take this opportunity to make educated predictions about what exactly we'll be seeing in a 35th Anniversary Special...

* The show will be at LEAST three hours long, with a number of excessive commercial breaks
* Monologue by Tom Hanks again (he's done the previous two)
* Monologue and/or performance by Justin Timberlake, who either references "Dick In A Box" or sings a variation of "bring it on in to Omeletteville"
* SNL Digital Shorts montage, including (edited for prime time) "BLEEP In A Box", "Lazy Sunday", "MacGruber", and "BLEEP In My Pants"
* A handful of past hosts and musical guests introducing montages and kissing Lorne's ass for cheap applause, including Steve Martin, whose contributions to SNL are no longer considered relevant, having turned himself into nothing more than "that 'hamburger' guy"
* 70's montage including Mighty Mouse, The Wolverines, Mr. Bill, Cheeseburger, Land Shark, Judy Miller throwing herself into a door, Samurai Deli, and the same clip of Chevy calling Richard Pryor the n-word that's been in both previous specials and every single 'Best of the Classic Years' video
* Rehashed tributes to Gilda Radner and John Belushi
* Early 80's montage that skips the struggling seasons and focuses entirely on 1982-1985, with most clips featuring either Eddie Murphy or the 1984-85 cast (expect to see Synchronized Swimming, Christopher Guest saying "chocolate babies", Mr. Robinson saying "WHO IS IT?!", Buckwheat singing "Fee Tines A Mady", Fernando saying "you look marvelous", Ed Grimley excited over meeting Pat Sajak, possibly a brief clip of "I'm Gumby, dammit", and Tim Kazurinsky being hugged by a chimp)
* A shot of the audience in which Denny Dillon, Gail Matthius and Gilbert Gottfried are visible, just happy to be there and not at all surprised that none of their material has been shown
* Late 80's montage including the Master Thespian saying "acting", Lovitz telling Hartman he stinks, Dana singing about chopping broccoli, and no footage whatsoever of 1985-86
* Early 90's montage including Canteen Boy being groped by Alec Baldwin, Wayne and Garth meeting Madonna, some Operaman clips, Farley eating French fries and shouting at Spade
* Rehashed tributes to Phil Hartman and Chris Farley
* Late 90's montage including Mango, Mary Katherine Gallagher, the Cheerleaders, the Ambiguously Gay Duo, and, you guessed it, Schwetty Balls
* 2000's montage centering entirely around Kristen Wiig, except for a clip of The Barry Gibb Talk Show
* A title card that briefly mentions Charles Rocket's death, and no mention at all of the deaths of Danitra Vance and Michael O'Donoghue
* Sappy slow-motion tribute to the now-retired Don Pardo

That just about covers it. See you in October, suckers! :-P

Dedicated to the Butterfly

If you own at least one Insane Clown Posse CD, you will have probably noticed the strange liner note mentioning how the CD is "dedicated to the Butterfly." If you're a *true* ICP fan (and not, like, one of those people who bought "The Great Milenko" just because all the other kids at school had it), you most likely know what the meaning of this ever-present dedication is; but for those that don't...

It stems from a traumatic event in Violent J's childhood. One day, J and his brother spotted the most beautiful butterfly they had ever seen. They placed it in a jar, intending to set it free the next day after spending the night admiring its beauty. However, when they awoke the next morning, the butterfly was dead - an image that has haunted J ever since. So, it became a tradition to dedicate each of ICP's releases to 'the Butterfly' - J's way of apologizing to the creature he feels he unfairly robbed of life.

I've come to believe that everyone has their own Butterfly... in other words, I believe that inside every single person lies the scarring memory of a small, otherwise insignificant event that managed to leave a lasting negative impression.

I definitely know mine; several years ago, we had a number of contractors replace the siding on our house. One of them discovered a nest of baby bunnies in our front yard that we hadn't noticed. For whatever reason, the bunnies started dying while the contractors were there; before it was too late, my mother decided to try and rescue the last remaining baby. It was very small, enough to fit in the palm of your hand. We made a little makeshift home for it (I think it was a basket, but I can't remember for sure), and named it Momo. The basket was sitting on top of our stereo, which was a horrible idea on someone's part, because Momo jumped out at one point, falling about four feet.

Over the next day, we realized that he must've been gravely injured from the fall; he was no longer very active, and was becoming increasingly cold to the touch. My mother and I rushed to the pet store to buy a sort of small baby bottle so that she could feed him in an effort to nurse him back to health. After she tried for quite some time, she and my dad decided to let him rest while they went grocery shopping. I went with them, because I couldn't bear to be home alone with the bunny if it died. It did, of course, during the time we were at the store.

For whatever reason, this struck a horrendous chord inside me... for someone who usually took the deaths of our pets fairly well, I was extremely upset. The night it happened, I couldn't get to sleep, because I cried for ages, to the point where my mom asked me what the big deal was. To this day, I have no answer for that question. I suppose I just took a lot of pity on this small, defenseless animal, especially after knowing that the rest of his family had died over the last couple days.

So, I guess that Momo was my Butterfly. What most people would look at as a small, insignificant event had a large emotional impact on me that I still can't explain. Just as Violent J hopes that he'll someday be able to face the Butterfly once more in the afterlife, perhaps deep inside of me is the hope that someday in the afterlife, I will see Momo, grown and healthy; and I will be able to apologize for not preventing the abrupt, avoidable end to his short life.

Is anyone else willing to share the story of their own Butterfly?

"Nightflight To Venus" - a musical butchery?

I've come to realize over the course of time that mentioning Boney M. in America doesn't mean a whole lot to people. I was originally introduced to them after receiving a CD of megamixes, one of which blended a dozen or so Boney M. tunes, all of which I'd just assumed were hits here at some point... not true, apparently. (They're mainly known here as "whatever band that was that did a disco version of 'Mary's Boy Child'.")

A handful of their biggest hits ("Rasputin", "Painter Man", "Rivers of Babylon") stemmed from the same LP - 1978's "Nightflight To Venus". For years, all I had of this album was a very poor MP3 copy that I found on Usenet at some point, apparently ripped from the CD. It wasn't until I read a review recently, however, that I found my copy to be incomplete - previous editions were quite different.

Browsing through Wikipedia's pages about Boney M.'s albums, I came to realize that they were apparently *very* anal retentive about their material, issuing several different versions of each album. "Nightflight To Venus" was no exception - the original pressing hailed from Germany, where the group had the most popularity; and this now extremely rare version offered the most material. Over the course of the following three pressings, several songs became shorter and shorter, for reasons I'm unaware of. The worst casualty was the album's opening 13-minute medley of "Nightflight To Venus" and "Rasputin", which was eventually chopped down to nearly half its original length by the time of the 4th pressing - unfortunately, the pressing that formed the basis of the CD.

While the hit "Rasputin" mainly lost a handful of small musical passages with no lyrical changes, the title track was shuffled and hacked several times into a mere collection of edits and brief chunks. Based heavily around Cozy Powell's hit "Dance with the Devil", "Nightflight To Venus" was a drum-heavy intro, with a robotic-voiced tour guide describing the listener's flight to Venus aboard the Starship Boney M. Throughout the course of the seven minute track, he pointed out Moon City ("a boomtown if ever there was"), and detailed the process of making Venus inhabitable to humans. Great concept... though unfortunately, Boney M. seemed to disagree, as much of his dialogue was removed by the final pressing.

Thankfully, there exists a torrent (link below) that compiles variations from the four pressings of the album into a handy 2-CD set. I took the time recently to compare the four different edits of the title track, detailed below... so if you have one of the later pressings or the commercial CD, you may be surprised at how much you're missing... (Note that the changes are not merely lyrical, as the musical mix varied from pressing to pressing as well.)

=================================================

White text denotes lyrics standard to all pressings.
Pink lyrics were exclusive to the 1st pressing (7:11).
Green lyrics appeared in both the 1st and 2nd (5:53) pressings, but were later removed.
Blue lyrics appeared in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd (4:58) pressings, but were removed for the 4th/CD (4:47) pressing.
Gold lyrics appeared in the 1st, 3rd and 4th/CD pressings, but not the 2nd.
Purple lyrics appeared in the 2nd, 3rd and 4th/CD pressings, but not the 1st.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the starship Boney M. for our first passenger flight to Venus.
Ready for countdown.
Ten. (Nightflight to Venus...)
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
Six. (Nightflight to Venus...)
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two. (Nightflight to Venus...)
One.
Ignition.
Lift-off."

Nightflight to Venus
Way out there in space
Nightflight to Venus
Our new favorite place
Nightflight to Venus
We got the all-clear [OR] All systems are go
Nightflight to Venus
The moment is here [OR] The sky is a-glow
[The verse appears twice in the first pressing only - all other pressings replace the
original latter half with the second half of the otherwise unused second verse.]

(Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!)
[This chant stands alone on pressings 1 and 2, but is mixed under the following
tour guide speech on 3 and 4. Oddly, pressing 2 is missing eight "hey"s.]

Nightflight to Venus!
Nightflight to Venus!
[As the placement of the chant differed, these sung lines appeared before the tour
guide's speech on pressings 1 and 2, but after the speech on 3 and 4.]

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have had a successful take-off on this first nightflight to Venus. Our flying time will be eight hours. You'll be travelling at a speed of 2,183 miles per second - that is, seven and one half million miles per hour. The distance from mother Earth to Venus is 60 million miles at this time."

"To your left, you can see the mountains of the Moon; and right in the center, under a huge plastic bubble, Moon City - a boomtown if ever there was one, because of the huge gold and diamond veins. As for Venus, it took almost ninety years to cool down the planet from its 500 degrees to the current pleasant 75 degrees, and to transform the atmosphere to make it inhabitable for Earth people."

Nightflight to Venus
Way out there in space
Nightflight to Venus
Our new favorite place
Nightflight to Venus
All systems are go
Nightflight to Venus
The sky is a-glow
[This verse went through a few changes - originally, it appeared in full, before losing
its last four lines for pressing 2; pressings 3 and 4 remove this verse completely. As
previously mentioned, the last four lines replaced those of the first verse in pressings 2-4.]

"Captain - unidentified object at eight o'clock. Two million miles away."
"Stand by for emergency maneuver."
"Object coming closer with the speed of light. We have eight more seconds. Object coming closer. We have five more seconds."
"Changing course by 4.6 degrees."
"Order executed."
"That was a close one, ladies and gentlemen. A meteor just passed us on its way to infinity. Well, you can see, even in space, traffic is getting heavier all the time."

"Ladies and gentlemen, in a few minutes, we are going to be landing on Venus. Push the button on your left side. The safety mechanism will do the rest for you. We hope you enjoyed the world's first nightflight to Venus. Have a good time there."

[At this point on all versions, the looped drum beat serves as a transition into "Rasputin,"
eventually accelerating to that song's slightly faster tempo.]

=================================================

Well, that should cover it; incidentally, an extremely truncated 1:30 edit of "Nightflight" (missing ALL vocal sections) was used as an intro for the 12" single of "Rasputin".

As for the torrent mentioned above, it can be downloaded from the Pirate Bay:
http://thepiratebay.org/torrent/3868953/Boney_M._-_Nightflight_To_Venus_Collection_(1978__2CD)

For fans of the album, especially those disappointed by the recent remastered edition (which STILL used the butchered 4th pressing versions), this is essential, first presenting the ultimate cut of the album compiled from several different sources, followed by numerous other variations. Dig that 'marching band trumpets' version of "Rasputin"! :-P

Calling Ann Risley!

Since I realized that, unlike my blogs on other sites, these ones are here for all the world to see, I wanted to transmit a message that hopefully will reach its recipient someday...

Ann Risley, where are you?

I wanted to write this for a while, because in the many years I've spent researching SNL, I've come to the conclusion that if any major castmember has been horribly overlooked, it's Ann Risley.


Hired as part of the unfortunate 1980 cast, Ann's time on "Saturday Night Live" was cut short after only twelve episodes when, during the transition to Dick Ebersol's reign as executive producer, she was replaced by then-current "SCTV" cast member Robin Duke. Sadly, as all twelve of her episodes fell under NBC's lame idea to limit the rerun exposure of episodes that fell below SNL's ever-changing quality standards, Ann's work went unnoticed by most fans who didn't see the shows when they aired live. Even her lone photo in the "SNL: The First Twenty Years" book got cropped off the page... respectful network they are, huh?

The truth is, like several other cast members from that era, Ann showed a lot of potential on the show. Not only was she easily one the best looking women in SNL's history, but she showed split-second comedic timing in the very few sketches were she was given a chance to shine. A good example is "The Toni Tennille Show," from the episode hosted by Ellen Burstyn. This was probably the only sketch were Ann herself had the floor, without being weighed down by other cast members; and her performance is like clockwork. At every cue to do or say something funny, she is right on the mark. It's unfortunate that executive producer Jean Doumanian somehow failed to notice this, often wedging Ann into miscast characters or background roles.

Well, I certainly did notice, and I hope that others reading this will be inspired to track down her episodes and appreciate her work as well. Unfortunately, after SNL, she doesn't seem to have appeared on screen many more times. She currently runs an acting school in Tucson, now going under the name of Anna Risley; and apparently, she doesn't look too fondly upon her brief stint in the late night limelight. I think it's time to change that, and finally give her the credit she deserves.

So, wherever you are, Miss Risley... thank you for brightening those twelve dreary episodes with your talent. You deserved more than what you got from that show, and I hope that fan appreciation will allow you to have a better outlook on the time you spent there.

This Old Song?

I came across this today, and couldn't believe it... the pleasant little instrumental I knew for years as the (former) theme of "This Old House" is actually a Fats Waller recording from the Thirties - AND it has lyrics!

Damn...

Andy Kaufman strikes again?

Just spotted this on Yahoo...

http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?rn=4226712&cl=13013043&src=news

California's mysterious ex-school board member Steve Rocco faces up to six months in jail for stealing a ketchup bottle from the school. Are you aware of who they may actually be locking up?

Hint: He died 25 years ago.

For those unaware of Rocco's back story, he emerged out of the blue and ran for a California school board, managing to win despite never making a public appearance. He proved himself to be a nuisance at meetings, being loud, sarcastic, and relentlessly insulting towards his fellow board members. Oh yeah, and he also began a website - http://www.andykaufmanlives.com.

Since his strange emergence, talk began to circulate that Rocco, about whom no background information has been found to this day, was in fact an alter-ego of Andy Kaufman. Not only did online registries show Rocco as the creator of this controversial site that cryptically claimed Kaufman to be alive, but Rocco publicly admitted to its creation.

The name of the registrar was then changed to Stephen Maddox, allegedly the name of a character from an old film about a man who faked his own death. The mysterious "Maddox" began claiming that he himself was Andy Kaufman, living comfortably and privately under a pseudonym. Stephen/Andy *also* claimed that, like Foreign Man and Tony Clifton, Steve Rocco was just another of his characters. (Fans have noted Rocco's facial resemblance to Kaufman, and in a discussion about the topic on The Overnightscape, an online radio show, it was mentioned by a long-time follower of Andy's supposed death hoax that Rocco appeared sans his trademark sunglasses on public access TV in the mid-Nineties, and bore a striking resemblance to Kaufman.)

So is the jailbound Rocco in fact Andy Kaufman, alive and well and stealing ketchup? Only time will tell. If Maddox and Rocco are the same person, then surely, the often updated Andy Kaufman Lives will sit dormant throughout Rocco's up-to-six-month sentence. Then again... perhaps this ridiculous ketchup controversy is just another genius Kaufman prank??

Rocky Horror - a movie of many faces!

I just posted about this on IMDB, and thought I would elaborate on it here... unbeknownst to most viewers, there are WAY too many variations on "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", putting it on par with the ever-changing cuts of "Caligula." For you anal retentive collectors, don't worry - many of the various permutations are viewable on the DVD.

The question remains, however... which of these do you consider to be the *ultimate* version?

1a) Stereo UK version - 100 minute cut, containing "Super Heroes." Songs have been remixed/altered from their original forms. [DVD - UK version + 5.1 audio]

1b) Mono UK version - 100 minute cut, containing "Super Heroes." Songs are in their original forms, and noticeably different from the stereo version. "Time Warp" has more voices in the chorus, "Touch Me" has echo, "Floor Show" has Rocky's actual singing voice, Janet's "Floor Show" verse is a different vocal take, etc..... [DVD - UK version + mono]

2a) Stereo US version - 98 minute cut, lacking "Super Heroes." Most common version released on VHS, and also the basis for US TV edits. Songs are in their remixed/altered forms. [DVD - US version + 5.1 audio]

2b) "Mono US version" - 98 minute cut, lacking "Super Heroes." Songs are unremixed or alternate takes. Though possible to create on the DVD, I'm very doubtful that an actual mono print was ever shown in American theaters; I believe that, until the DVD, the mono soundtrack was only ever paired with the longer print. [DVD - US version + mono]

3) Bastardized US version - A sad attempt to create a 'happy ending'. Not only is "Super Heroes" missing, but "Science Fiction Reprise" has been replaced with "The Time Warp." While not included in full on the DVD, the redubbed US ending was included on disc 2 of the 25th Anniversary set.

4) Misprint version - Not sure about the origin of this version... this print mistakenly matched the audio from the US ending with the video of the UK ending, meaning that while "Super Heroes" footage is seen, the edited version is heard. This bizarre ending is also included on disc 2 of the 25th Anniversary set... sadly, without any further information detailing why it exists.

5a) Easter Egg stereo UK version
5b) Easter Egg mono UK version
5c) Easter Egg stereo US version
5d) Easter Egg mono US version
These four variations all revolve around a hidden feature on the DVD, allowing whatever variation chosen by the viewer to also include the first several scenes in black and white, switching permanently to color at the first verse of "Time Warp." This concept was originally mentioned in the screenplay... though, it should be noted, NOT exactly how it appeared on the DVD. The switch to color was originally intended for the start of "Sweet Transvestite."

Not to mention, a couple fan-created variations exist as well.

* Artificially extended versions - Though this was almost assuredly never officially compiled by Fox, fans have chosen at various times since its original release on the 20th anniversary VHS to splice "Once In A While" back into the movie. While there is no set-in-stone version like this, the various fan-created extended cuts are most likely near-identical, and most likely all use the UK version in order to contain the most content.

* Alternate "Science Fiction" versions - Again, while no official version was created by 20th Century Fox, some fans have opted to replace the lips intro with a montage of sci-fi film clips, as per the original shooting script. There is no set-in-stone version like this either, and all compilations seem to vary in some way.

Of course, there have been countless butchered versions aired on American TV, but those probably don't bear thinking about.

To All the Friends I've Lost Before (a poem)

To all the friends I've lost before
Whose faces grace me nevermore
How could we smile so many days
And then just go our separate ways
And throw out all the gifts we gave
That we both swore we'd always save?

To all the friends I left behind
There were so many different kinds
Some always made their care so clear
So when they ached, I was always near
Some I met by luck, by chance
Some loved to write, some loved to dance

Some moved off to another place
Some left regrets too hard to face
Some knew me as their one true friend
Some I wish that I could hug again
Some I couldn't give what they asked
And our differences soon came unmasked

Now so many of them have gone
But my heart just can't move on
For in my mind, I see their faces
And remember each of their embraces
I wish I could, just for a while
Go back to when the tears were smiles

The photos and letters, I still hold close
From those that I cared for the most
I look at each and think so long
About where things had gone so wrong
For sure, amongst the many flaws
Were cracks that I myself had caused

To all the friends that said goodbye
Deep in my heart, they'll never die
For I still pray that with each friend
Some day I'll finally make amends
They'll give their warmth back to the heart
That shattered when we had to part.

-SW

So, it's apparently my birthday...

Today, I'm 22. I feel old. Especially since I just realized all that I've lived through so far. Some of which I'm ashamed to have witnessed...

* Both Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan's James Bond careers
* The Spice Girls
* New Kids On The Block (y'know, before Donnie Wahlberg turned cool and starred in "Saw")
* The entire Jay and Silent Bob series
* The cancellation, 16-year hiatus, and reboot of "Doctor Who" (I think I managed to live through all of Sylvester McCoy's tenure, which makes me feel REALLY old)
* N*Sync
* Hanson
* The life and death of the Super Nintendo, Game Boy, Sega Genesis, Nintendo 64, Nintendo Gamecube, Sega Saturn, Playstation 1, original XBox, Sega Dreamcast, Atari Lynx, Game Gear, etcetera, etcetera...
* For that matter, the massive popularity, popularity slump, and dissolution of Sega, and the unforeseen passing of Sonic The Hedgehog into Nintendo's hands
* The Simpsons (INCLUDING the Tracey Ullman shorts!)
* The career of Chris Farley
* Two cancellations of "Family Guy"
* Beanie Babies
* Virtual pets
* Pokemon
* Power Rangers

The most disturbing fact is that I suffered through all of the NINETIES, and made it out alive. My word.