Retro Corner: You're Not Supposed To Be Here

Still shakin it, 13 years later...

Okay, I'm not really sure if "Retro Corner" is going to be a recurring post category; if it is, it's basically going to be "old things I typed that some people might find interesting, about stuff that's old."

So, here, uh... here's something for all you old gamers - a guide to all the secret messages in "Duke Nukem 3D", and all the official add-on episodes! This should be everything; unfortunately, though an official add-on, "Duke!Zone 2" has no secret messages. At all. Not in the episodes, at least; I once considered scouring the massive load of user maps included on the disc, and did find some messages... but of course, trying to look through ALL those levels would be far too unwieldy a task.

(Note that times have changed since the DOS days, and so have graphic capabilities. Versions of Duke 3D circulating around the 'Net today have revised graphics, which means that darkness is rendered rather differently than in 1996. Originally, with the Night Vision Goggles, secret messages on dark walls would show up green - an advantage lost on modern-day versions. So, be sure to set your port of choice to a 'classic' graphics mode in order to see the messages clearly.)

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EPISODE 1: L.A. MELTDOWN

E1M1: Hollywood Holocaust

• 867-5309 - Above a urinal in the bathroom.
• STRYKER METRONET.COM - Inside the rightmost bathroom stall. This was Allen H. Blum's email address at the time; however, there is no "@" symbol in the Duke Nukem font.

E1M3: Death Row

• BEHIND THE BABE - In the jail cell with the babe and the bed (with a secret tunnel behind it) is a small cavern. Duck inside, and turn on your goggles. (This is a clue to an area later in the level, where a girly poster conceals the path to the exit, Shawshank Redemption-style.)

E1M4: Toxic Dump

• HOW DID YOU GET HERE? - Above the starting point are three platforms. The rightmost platform has a secret door on it; the secret message is inside.

E1M5: The Abyss

• GO WITH THE FLOW - Below the starting point is a locked gate, and right inside the gate is a small, dark cul-de-sac. Inside there, this message can be seen with goggles.
• YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE - This message from the Levelord can be seen by finding your way to the volcano, and using the jetpack to get into the tunnel where the shrinker.
• S U Y T - Deep inside the volcano is a secret cave with a dancing girl in it. Look very closely at the right wall inside the cave. (Incidentally, this stands for "Show Us Your Tits"... unfortunately, she won't!)
• DOPEFISH LIVES - On the way to the boss is a long chasm in which you have to jump across pillars. Near the start of the chasm, use the jetpack to float down to the lava. This message (a reference to Apogee's mascot) is at the base of one of the pillars. Incidentally, the N64 version has an alternate message in this area - WOTS YOUR BEEF SPECCY. I found an explanation for this once... some in-joke, but I don't remember exactly what the deal was.
  

EPISODE 2: LUNAR APOCALYPSE

E2M1: Spaceport

• U.S.S. FRAMERATE - Use DNCLIP to go through the window at the start. This message is on the opposite side of the spaceship.

E2M2: Incubator

• 1138 - In the large room near the starting point is a bank of computers with a secret room behind it. In the secret room is a monitor, which holds this message, a reference to the movie "THX 1138."
• 1138 - This number appears again in the bright hallway immediately past the large room, under the large EDF logo.

E2M3: Warp Factor

• BLUM BED CO. - This reference Allen H. Blum is on the back of the bed (closest to the monitors) in the Really Ready Room.

E2M7: Lunar Reactor

• BITE ME - Stand on the toilet in the leftmost bathroom stall, and turn right. The message should be right in front of your face.

E2M8: Dark Side

• JUMP INTO THE MONOLITH - In the room with the monolith (which teleports you to the exit room) is a small box. This message is on the back of it, and is visible with the night-vision goggles.
  

EPISODE 3: SHRAPNEL CITY

E3M1: Raw Meat

• PUSH HER BUTTON - At the end of the first hallway inside the sushi restaurant (pass the girlie poster, which this message is describing), behind the vase, is this message. The goggles needed to view it are right behind the vase.
• PUSH ME - This message, also seen with the goggles, can be seen in the small cabinet in the floating bar.
• NO ONE SHOULD BE HERE - In the room with the exit, DNCLIP through the crack, and walk through the fake Bank Roll. This message from the Levelord is seen where the ATMs should be.

E3M3: Flood Zone

• THE CRACK BELOW - In the first open area of the level, is an underwater crack in the mountainside. At some point, a cave should blow open above the crack. This message is inside, and is visible with goggles.
• ANAAL OOOTHRIC - To the right of the blue key is a little niche with water and steam. This message (visible with goggles) is inside. Incidentally, this phrase means "dragon's breath", and was taken from the movie "Excalibur".

E3M4: L.A. Rumble

• UNDER THE KNIFE - Use your goggles in the dark lobby of the doctor's office.
• YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE...EITHER - Use DNCLIP to pass through the window in the final room, and walk around to the air-conditioning fans. This Levelord message is floating in the air above them.

E3M5: Movie Set

• PUSH THE REGISTER NOT THE SNACKS - Use your goggles in the lobby of the subway station.
• JUMP AT THE EARTH - Enter the small spaceship set, and turn around. Look at the dark wall to the right of the entrance with your goggles. (You may need to step back from the wall - if you're too close, the pixellation of the textures seems to obscure this.)

E3M6: Rabid Transit

• TELLTALE FOOTPRINTS - Walk up the stairway covered with babes and explosives, and use your goggles in the cave at the top.

E3M7: Fahrenheit

• BREAK THE BOTTLES - Use your goggles on the dark wall in the apartment.

E3M8: Hotel Hell

• BEHIND THE FOUNTAIN - Use your goggles on the dark corner wall at the end of the second floor hallway.
• CHECK THE VINTAGE - Walk to the end of the secret tunnel above the second floor aquarium, and use your goggles on the wall to the right of the opening that allows you to jump down into the aquarium.
• DUKE WAS HERE 2017 - This message is inside the dilapidated bathroom stall, accessible from the swimming pool. However, the two rows of text were accidentally squished into one, so what's left of this message is an unreadable blob near the ceiling, which can be fixed with Build.
  

EPISODE 4: THE BIRTH [Atomic Edition add-on]

E4M1: It's Impossible

• ARE YOU SMALL OR ARE YOU CHEATING? - In the kitchen is a small, watery tunnel. Use DNCLIP to follow this tunnel around to the other side of the wall, where this message is hidden.
• LOOKING FOR SECRETS? - Type DNSHOWMAP, then look at the map. Outside of the level are two small, inaccessible squares that are side by side. Use DNCLIP to get into them. This message from a mysterious individual named DUV is on a wall in the square that holds the weathergirl graphics.
• C'MON, QUIT CHEATING - This other message from DUV is in the square next door, which holds the "Mission" text.

E4M3: Shop-N-Bag

• RUN YOUR ASS OFF - Use DNCLIP to get into the crawlspace on the left wall, immediately before the crushers that block the path to the exit button.

E4M5: Pigsty

• OPEN J. DREDD - To the right of the blue key is a small, dark alleyway. This message (a clue to the whereabouts of the secret exit) is inside, on the left wall.
• FISH - Go through the red key door, and look closely at the inside of the left arm of the couch. This word can be seen - a reference to the classic detective show, "Fish".
• B MILLER - On the other arm of the couch is this message, a reference to the classic cop comedy "Barney Miller."

E4M10: The Queen

• TAG IS COOL - Again, you'll need to type DNSHOWMAP and examine the map closely. Quite a bit away from the main level is a small, square room that holds Randall Pitchford's signature. Make your way there with DNCLIP. On a wall inside this room is the final message of the Atomic Edition.
  

VACATION DUKEMATCH [Duke Caribbean add-on]

3: Cruise Ship

• SO...COME HERE OFTEN? - Take the elevator up to the little second floor balcony. Above the Wavemistress logo is an inaccessible platform with a large white tower and a small transmitter. Use DNCLIP to climb up there, and look at the back of the tower.
• CHEAT OFTEN? - The right exit from the swimming pool deck takes you down a ramp, where there is a Conchinator and a "Cha-Cha's Galore" poster. Above and to the right of this is another platform with a white tower and small transmitters. Use DNCLIP to go up there - this message is on the tower.
  

LIFE'S A BEACH [Duke Caribbean add-on]

2: Market Melee

• AKNOT! WOT? - After escaping from the jail cell, go around and behind the Duke Nukem bus. There is a small striped barrier that blocks your path. DNCLIP through it, and continue past the wooden cart to find this message.
• BADABOOM - Across from the store with the ice machine in front of it is a small alley with a huge, recessed "Cha Cha's Galore" poster. Enter the small store here, and press the identical poster within. The large poster now opens, revealing a secret area. Inside, go past the Restricted Area signs, to find an open area with a boat. To your right is a gate to the ocean. DNCLIP through this gate, and turn around; the message is floating in mid-air.

4: The Wavemistress

• SO...COME HERE OFTEN? - See 'Cruise Ship'.
• CHEAT OFTEN? - See 'Cruise Ship'.

5: Lost Lagoon

• STOP CHEATING - From the start, follow the river. Before long, up and to your left will be a high platform with a statue on it. Type DNKROZ (or any other cheat that gives you the jetpack) and fly up to that platform. The secret message is in plain view. (Oddly, the "O" in STOP is missing... and there's a Mr. Splashy head to greet you as well!) Incidentally, you may want to check this out before you go to far into the level - once the bridge to this platform appears, the message vanishes.
• DESTROY THE ONE THAT DOES NOT STAND THE SUN - Do messages get any more obvious than this?? To the right of the blue door (which leads to the strange maze), there is a cramped cave that you have to crawl through. Keep following it - at one point, Duke mentions that there is a clue nearby. On the wall in front of the sunglasses (i.e., the night-vision goggles) is this message. (The same message is there whether it's day or night, by the way.)

6: Voodoo Caves

• YOU PROBABLY CHEATED - Past the red door, you must walk across a very deep canyon. Jump from the bridge towards the waterfall - you want to land in the little pond at its base. Dive under, and pop up on the other side. This message from "Bliss" is seen, as well as a couple health items.
  

DUKE IT OUT IN D.C. [Duke It Out In D.C. add-on]

3: Nuked Files

• DECEIVE INVEIGLE OBFUSCATE - Next to the metro station at the very end of the level is a pile of sandbags that can't be crossed. DNCLIP past this, and turn right. The message is on a large, black wall.

10: Top Secret

• PUSH BILL - Well, alright, this one's not hidden per se. After getting the blue key, jump down to the conveyor belt and follow it through the opening on the right. Turn into the red-lit room, which has a crack that lets you peek into one of the last rooms of the level. On the wall in the red room is this message. (Incidentally, this is a hint to a secret back towards the start of the level.)
  

NUCLEAR WINTER [Duke Nuclear Winter add-on]

2: Where It All Began

• 867-5309 - See 'Hollywood Holocaust'.
• STRYKER METRONET.COM - See 'Hollywood Holocaust'.