I thought I would try something absolutely crazy, and compile the most complete Bond film chronology *ever*. This is divided into four parts - authorized usage of Bond, unauthorized adaptations of Bond (that still use his name), spinoffs and related films, and notable copycats (obvious ripoffs, like '070' and '777'.) Hold your breath, it's about to get crazy.
[UPDATE - Oct 10 - Added to almost every section. This list keeps on growing...]
========================
I. Authorized Usage of James Bond
10/1954 - CASINO ROYALE
starring Barry Nelson
Origin: United States
TV adaptation, featuring an Americanized Bond.
10/1962 - DR. NO
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England
First EON production.
10/1963 - FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England
09/1964 - GOLDFINGER
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England
12/1965 - THUNDERBALL
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England
12/1966 - CASINO ROYALE
starring David Niven, Terence Cooper and Peter Sellers
Origin: England
Not an EON production, and not considered part of the series.
06/1967 - YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England
12/1969 - ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE
starring George Lazenby
Origin: England
12/1971 - DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England
06/1973 - LIVE AND LET DIE
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England
12/1974 - THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England
07/1977 - THE SPY WHO LOVED ME
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England
06/1979 - MOONRAKER
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England
06/1981 - FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England
06/1983 - OCTOPUSSY
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England
10/1983 - NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England
Not an EON production, and not considered part of the series.
05/1985 - A VIEW TO A KILL
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England
06/1987 - THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS
starring Timothy Dalton
Origin: England
06/1989 - LICENCE TO KILL
starring Timothy Dalton
Origin: England
11/1995 - GOLDENEYE
starring Pierce Brosnan
Origin: England
12/1997 - TOMORROW NEVER DIES
starring Pierce Brosnan
Origin: England
11/1999 - THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH
starring Pierce Brosnan
Origin: England
11/2002 - DIE ANOTHER DAY
starring Pierce Brosnan
Origin: England
11/2006 - CASINO ROYALE
starring Daniel Craig
Origin: England
10/2008 - QUANTUM OF SOLACE
starring Daniel Craig
Origin: England
========================
II: Unauthorized Adaptations of James Bond
10/1965 - THE AMAZING DOCTOR G
[aka TWO MAFIOSI AGAINST GOLDGINGER]
(DUE MAFIOSI CONTRO GOLDGINGER)
featuring George Hilton
Origins: Spain / Italy
Bond has a small role, and is killed.
05/1966 - 07 CON EL 2 DELANTE (AGENTE: JAMIE BONET) [trans?]
starring Casto Sendra Barrufet [aka Cassen]
Origin: Spain
07/1966 - FUNNY 007
(YOCHEOL BOKTONG 007)
starring Shi-Ja Cheon
Origin: South Korea
??/1966 - JAMES BATMAN
starring Rodolfo Quizon [aka Dolphy]
Origin: Philippines
Dolphy would star in a number of other Bond spoofs as well, but not as James Bond himself.
??/1966 - GOLDEN BOY
(ALTIN COCUK)
starring Goksel Arsoy
Origin: Turkey
??/1966 - LAW OF THE GUNS
(SILAHLARIN KANUNU)
starring Yilmaz Guney
Origin: Turkey
??/1966 - SEVEN JAMES BONDS
(PITONG JAMES BONDS)
starring Mariano Contreras (aka Pugo), Lopito, Ben Cosca (aka Bentot), Perfecto Pinon (aka Tugak), Pugak, Cachupoy, and Apeng Daldal
Origin: Philippines
??/1967 - GOLDEN BOY IN BEIRUT
(ALTIN COCUK BEYRUT'TA)
starring Goksel Arsoy
Origin: Turkey
??/1967 - ORTA SARK YANIYOR [trans?]
starring Goksel Arsoy
Origin: Turkey
The third "Golden Boy" film.
??/1970 - THE SPY WITH THE GOLDEN GUN
(ALTIN TABANCALI ADAM)
starring Murat Soydan
Origin: Turkey
Interestingly enough, the similarly-titled "The Man With The Golden Gun" was also released in Turkey as "Altin Tabancali Adam."
??/1970 - CEHENNEMDE SENLIK VAR [trans?]
starring Yilmaz Koksal
Origin: Turkey
??/1971 - JAMES BOND 777
starring Krishna Ghattamaneni
Origin: India
??/1977 - AGENT VINOD
starring Mahendra Sandhu
Origin: India
The name 'James Bond' is never used, but unlike other foreign knock-offs whose characters merely mimic Bond, the intended identity of this character is obvious. Incidentally, the 2011 film of the same title has no connection to this one.
03/1977 - THE DRAGON LIVES AGAIN
[aka THE DEADLY HANDS OF KUNG-FU]
(LE SAN JIAO WEN ZHEN DI YU MEN)
featuring Alexander Grand
Origin: Hong Kong
Though the film does not center around James Bond, he appears prominently, alongside a number of other familiar characters.
04/1983 - THE RETURN OF THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.
featuring George Lazenby
Origin: United States
Lazenby's Bond (referred to as "J.B.") has a cameo appearance.
??/1984 - JAMES BOND 999
starring Suman
Origin: India
No copy of this film appears to be in public circulation.
??/1985 - BOND 303
starring Jeetendra
Origin: India
??/1987 - THE MAHJONG INCIDENT
[aka THE GREEN JADE MAHJONGG]
featuring Ron D. Cohen
Origin: China
Bond makes a brief cameo.
04/1992 - MR. BOND
starring Akshay Kumar
Origin: India
10/1994 - FROM BEIJING WITH LOVE
[aka MADE IN CHINA 007]
(GUOCHAN LING LING QI)
starring Stephen Chiau
Origin: Hong Kong
10/2001 - STEALING DAGMAR
(JAK UKRAST DAGMARU)
starring Jaroslav Sypal
Origin: Czech Republic
========================
III: Bond Without Bond - Spinoffs and Related Films
03/1964 - HOT ENOUGH FOR JUNE
[aka AGENT 8 3/4]
starring Dirk Bogarde
Origin: England
Concerns the agent who replaces now-deceased James Bond.
07/1966 - KALEIDOSCOPE
starring Warren Beatty
Origin: England
A Bond-less, unauthorized adaptation of Fleming's Casino Royale.
09/1966 - KISS THE GIRLS AND MAKE THEM DIE
[aka IF ALL THE WOMEN IN THE WORLD]
(SE TUTTE LE DONNE DEL MONDO)
starring Mike Connors
Origin: Italy
This is primarily a spoof of Sixties spy films, but earns a spot on this list, as it was largely adapted into "Moonraker."
??/1966 - VALLAVAN ORUVAN [trans?]
starring Jaishankar
Origin: India
Not a Bond film, but rather, a plagiarism of "Dr. No" and "From Russia With Love" with a Bond-like character. (Other portions of the film rip off the French spy film "Banque a Bankok pour OSS 117.")
??/1966 - MONEY-COLLECTING AGENT 007
(EISPRAKTOR 007)
starring Nikos Stavridis
Origin: Greece
Outside of the title, the connection to Bond is unknown; the character himself doesn't seem to appear.
04/1967 - OPERATION KID BROTHER
[aka OPERATION DOUBLE 007 and OK CONNERY]
starring Neil Connery
Origin: Italy
Centers around Bond's look-alike brother. Bernard Lee, Lois Maxwell, Adolfo Celi, and Daniela Bianchi also appear.
03/1968 - BONDITIS
starring Gerd Baltus
Origins: Switzerland / West Germany
Concerns a man who merely thinks he is James Bond.
12/1975 - FROM HONG KONG WITH LOVE
(BONS BAISERS DE HONG KONG)
starring Les Charlots [musical group]
Origin: France
Bond is actually killed during the gunbarrel sequence; Bernard Lee and Lois Maxwell recruit a group called Les Charlots in his place. Clifton James also appears.
06/1981 - THE CANNONBALL RUN
featuring Roger Moore
Origin: United States
Obviously not a Bond film, but Roger Moore appears as a man who believes himself to be Roger Moore's Bond.
09/1981 - SHUT UP WHEN YOU SPEAK!
(TAIS-TOI QUAND TU PARLES!)
starring Aldo Maccione
Origins: France / Italy
Concerns a man named Giacomo (Italian for 'James') who dreams he is James Bond.
01/1984 - OUR MAN FROM BOND STREET
(ZUIJIA PAIDANG ZHI NUHUANG MILING)
featuring Jean Mersant
Origin: Hong Kong
Part of the "Aces Go Places" (or "Mad Mission") series. The villain is a jewel thief who poses as James Bond. Oddjob (not played by Harold Sakata) appears, as does Richard Kiel.
========================
IV: Bond Without Bond - Notable Copycats
AGENT 007 1/2
??/1966 - 007 1/2 NO CARNAVAL [trans?]
starring Larry Carr
Origin: Brazil
AGENT 707
03/1965 - DRAGNET
(LAMBAT)
starring Bernard Bonnin
Origin: Philippines
Despite the title, this has no relation to the American TV series.
09/1965 - KARATE SA KARATE [trans?]
starring Bernard Bonnin
Origin: Philippines
BOB FLEMING, AGENT 077
04/1965 - SECRET AGENT FIREBALL
[aka 077: CHALLENGE TO KILLERS and THE SPY KILLERS]
(LE SPIE UCCIDONO A BEIRUT)
starring Richard Harrison
Origins: Italy / France
??/1966 - KILLERS ARE CHALLENGED
[aka MISSION CASABLANCA]
(A 077, SFIDA AI KILLERS)
starring Richard Harrison
Origins: Italy / France
BOND CALLAGHAN
10/1966 - OPERATION COUNTERSPY
(ASSO DI PICCHE OPERAZIONE CONTROSPIONAGGIO)
starring George Ardisson
Origins: Italy / Spain / France
COPLAN, AGENT 777 [aka AGENT FX 18]
03/1964 - KILL SECRET AGENT 777 - STOP
[aka AGENT SECRET FX 18]
(UCCIDETE AGENTE SEGRETO 777 - STOP)
starring Ken Clark
Origins: France / Italy / Spain
First released in France, with the character referred to as 'FX 18'. The Italian edition rebranded him '777', to make the Bond connection more obvious. The next Coplan movie would not be renamed to cash in on Bond.
10/1965 - AGENTE 777 MISSIONE SUMMERGAME
[aka COPLAN FX 18 CASSE TOUT]
starring Richard Wyler
Origins: France / Italy
The third Coplan film. One unidentified country seems to have taken the renaming scheme one step further by calling the character '077'. (Incidentally, none of the future Coplan productions would be altered anywhere to reflect the '777' number.)
CHARLES DUFF, AGENT 070
[aka DAN COOPER]
??/1965 - ONE TANGO FROM RUSSIA
(UN TANGO DALLA RUSSIA)
starring Dan Christian
Origin: Italy
The character is known as Charles Duff.
??/1966 - THUNDERBAY MISSIONE GRASSHOPPER
starring Dan Christian
Origins: Hong Kong / Italy
For reasons unknown, 070 has been renamed Dan Cooper.
DICK MALLOY, AGENT 077
08/1965 - MISSION BLOODY MARY
(AGENTE 077 MISSIONE BLOODY MARY)
starring Ken Clark
Origins: Italy / Spain / France
09/1965 - FROM THE ORIENT WITH FURY
[aka FURY IN ISTANBUL]
(AGENTE 077 DALL'ORIENTE CON FURORE)
starring Ken Clark
Origins: Italy / Spain / France
08/1966 - SPECIAL MISSION LADY CHAPLIN
(MISSIONE SPECIALE LADY CHAPLIN)
starring Ken Clark
Origins: Italy / Spain / France
Co-stars Daniela Bianchi.
DR. BARDIN, SECRET AGENT 777
11/1965 - SECRET AGENT 777
(AGENTE SEGRETO 777 - OPERAZIONE MISTERO)
starring Mark Damon
Origins: Italy
Followed by "A Ticket To Die" (see below), which seemingly focuses on a different 777.
GEORGE FARRELL, AGENT 077
10/1965 - ESPIONAGE IN LISBON
(MISION LISBOA)
starring Brett Halsey
Origins: Spain / Italy / France
JAMES BONDAT
??/1970 - JAMES BONDAT
starring Augusto Valdez Pangan (aka Chiquito)
Origin: Philippines
Like Dolphy, Chiquito would star in many other Bond spoofs, though not which such a close character name.
JAMES TONT
??/1965 - JAMES TONT: OPERATION U.N.O.
starring Lando Buzzanca
Origin: Italy
??/1965 - JAMES TONT: OPERATION D.U.E.
[aka OPERATION GOLDSINGER and THE WACKY WORLD OF JAMES TONT]
starring Lando Buzzanca
Origin: Italy
LEWIS JORDAN, SECRET AGENT 777
??/1967 - A TICKET TO DIE
(AGENTE SEGRETO 777 - INVITO AD UCCIDERE)
starring Tiziano Cortini
Origin: Italy
Follows "Secret Agent 777," though this is apparently a different character.
MIKE MURPHY, AGENT 077 [aka MARC MATO, LEMMY LOGAN and ROBBY LOGAN]
08/1965 - ESPIONAGE IN TANGIERS
(MARC MATO, AGENTE S. 077)
starring Luis Davila
Origins: Spain / Italy
It is often said that George Lazenby has a small role in the 92-minute cut of this film; this seems to be untrue.
08/1966 - YPOTRON - FINAL COUNTDOWN
(AGENTE LOGAN - MISSIONE YPOTRON)
starring Luis Davila
Origins: Spain / Italy
Agent 077's name was changed here for reasons unknown - different editions called him Lemmy Logan or Robby Logan, except in West Germany, where he was still referred to as Mike Murphy.
SECRET AGENT 077
??/1968 - GOLDEN EYES SECRET AGENT 077
starring Mumtaz Askari
Origin: India
========================
Phew! If anyone has something to add, let me know...
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Please identify this PBS kids show!!
This is driving me crazy. Someone must know this.
I specifically remember a PBS show... I believe it aired on Sundays... about a guy with a beard who, I *think*, lived on a farm. He had a dog named Blue, who was a puppet. I can't remember anything else about the show, except that there was an episode where Blue got sick, and the guy carried him to the vet. On the way home, he sang a song about how many miles from home they were.
I can't find a damned thing about whatever this show was, and it's making me bonkers. Someone must know.
EDIT - The guy's name *may* have been Jack. I'm not 100% sure though, that just popped into my head. I think the guy used his real name for his character, and his name may have even been in the title of the show.
I specifically remember a PBS show... I believe it aired on Sundays... about a guy with a beard who, I *think*, lived on a farm. He had a dog named Blue, who was a puppet. I can't remember anything else about the show, except that there was an episode where Blue got sick, and the guy carried him to the vet. On the way home, he sang a song about how many miles from home they were.
I can't find a damned thing about whatever this show was, and it's making me bonkers. Someone must know.
EDIT - The guy's name *may* have been Jack. I'm not 100% sure though, that just popped into my head. I think the guy used his real name for his character, and his name may have even been in the title of the show.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Girl, you know it's confusing.
See, this is why I got frustrated and gave up on trying to put together my multi-disc completists edition of "Girl You Know It's True" (which that single disc I put on here a while back was meant to be a preview of).... seems like every single version I find has different variations of the songs!
Here's a round-up of what I've found so far. Anyone think they have one I'm missing?
===============================================
ALL OR NOTHING - the German (and elsewhere) version
GENERAL
* Original tracklist; contains "Can't You Feel My Love", "Boy In The Tree", "Money", "Dance With A Devil", "Is It Love", and "Ma Baker."
* "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You" appears in its original form.
* "Baby Don't Forget My Number" appears in its original form: similar to the single version, through with the chorus like that of the US album version, rather than the single version's hip-hop chorus.
GERMAN LP
* "All Or Nothing" ends with a few seconds of German chatter.
* "All Or Nothing" is 3:23.
* "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You" appears in its original form.
* "Girl You Know It's True" is 3:58 - most likely the heavily edited 'N.Y. Subway Extended Mix' that appeared on the "Greatest Hits" CD.
* "Hush" is included.
GERMAN CD
* "Girl You Know It's True" is the 8:49 'Super Club Mix'.
* "Too Much Monkey Business (Maxi Mix)" is included as a bonus track after "Hush."
SPANISH/MEXICAN LP
* "Girl You Know It's True" is the 4:12 US album version.
* "Hush" is missing.
* "All Or Nothing" is allegedly 3:44.
ALL OR NOTHING / 2x2 - the English versions
GENERAL
* "All Or Nothing" is missing its German chatter.
* "Hush" is missing.
* "Girl You Know It's True" is the 8:08 uncut 'N.Y. Subway Extended Mix.'
"ALL OR NOTHING" - CD
* "Too Much Monkey Business (Maxi Mix)" is included as a bonus track after GYNIT.
"2x2" - 2-LP SET
* Packages the complete English version of 'All Or Nothing' with 'All Or Nothing: The US Remix Album.' The 8:08 'N.Y. Subway Extended Mix' of GYNIT appears twice.
"2x2" - CD
* The first 'N.Y. Subway Extended Mix' of GYNIT has been removed, as this version is a single disc.
* The standard version of "All Or Nothing" is missing.
* "Too Much Monkey Business (Maxi Mix)" does not appear.
GIRL YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE - the American version
GENERAL
* Several of the tracks (listed above) from the German LP are gone. "More Than You'll Ever Know", "Blame It On The Rain", "Take It As It Comes" and "It's Your Thing" appear.
* Both the 4:12 album version and an edited 6:27 'N.Y. Subway Extended Mix' of GYKIT are included.
* "All Or Nothing" is missing its German chatter.
* "Baby Don't Forget My Number" is mostly a new version, with the chorus of the German album version. (Except on an unknown numbered pressing - see below.)
EARLY CD PRESSING
* "Baby Don't Forget My Number" is a strange remix lasting 6:28. As this version doesn't really have the structure of a proper song, and resembles the remixes on the maxi single, it was likely included by mistake.
* "More Than You'll Ever Know" appears in its original 4:00 length.
* "Take It As It Comes" appears in its original 3:41 length.
* The original form of "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You" from the German LP is used.
RECORD CLUB / MATRIX "-3" CD PRESSINGS
* "Baby Don't Forget My Number" appears in its proper US album form.
* "More Than You'll Ever Know" has been extended to 4:32.
* "Take It As It Comes" has been extended to 4:15.
MATRIX "-4" CD PRESSING
As above, except:
* "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You" has been remixed; the beat has been changed slightly, and the new length is 4:24.
===============================================
Well, there's *nine* variations! Any more?
(Also, credit where it's due - information about the US versions was sourced from here:
http://www.crapfromthepast.com/millivanilli/firstlp.htm)
Here's a round-up of what I've found so far. Anyone think they have one I'm missing?
===============================================
ALL OR NOTHING - the German (and elsewhere) version
GENERAL
* Original tracklist; contains "Can't You Feel My Love", "Boy In The Tree", "Money", "Dance With A Devil", "Is It Love", and "Ma Baker."
* "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You" appears in its original form.
* "Baby Don't Forget My Number" appears in its original form: similar to the single version, through with the chorus like that of the US album version, rather than the single version's hip-hop chorus.
GERMAN LP
* "All Or Nothing" ends with a few seconds of German chatter.
* "All Or Nothing" is 3:23.
* "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You" appears in its original form.
* "Girl You Know It's True" is 3:58 - most likely the heavily edited 'N.Y. Subway Extended Mix' that appeared on the "Greatest Hits" CD.
* "Hush" is included.
GERMAN CD
* "Girl You Know It's True" is the 8:49 'Super Club Mix'.
* "Too Much Monkey Business (Maxi Mix)" is included as a bonus track after "Hush."
SPANISH/MEXICAN LP
* "Girl You Know It's True" is the 4:12 US album version.
* "Hush" is missing.
* "All Or Nothing" is allegedly 3:44.
ALL OR NOTHING / 2x2 - the English versions
GENERAL
* "All Or Nothing" is missing its German chatter.
* "Hush" is missing.
* "Girl You Know It's True" is the 8:08 uncut 'N.Y. Subway Extended Mix.'
"ALL OR NOTHING" - CD
* "Too Much Monkey Business (Maxi Mix)" is included as a bonus track after GYNIT.
"2x2" - 2-LP SET
* Packages the complete English version of 'All Or Nothing' with 'All Or Nothing: The US Remix Album.' The 8:08 'N.Y. Subway Extended Mix' of GYNIT appears twice.
"2x2" - CD
* The first 'N.Y. Subway Extended Mix' of GYNIT has been removed, as this version is a single disc.
* The standard version of "All Or Nothing" is missing.
* "Too Much Monkey Business (Maxi Mix)" does not appear.
GIRL YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE - the American version
GENERAL
* Several of the tracks (listed above) from the German LP are gone. "More Than You'll Ever Know", "Blame It On The Rain", "Take It As It Comes" and "It's Your Thing" appear.
* Both the 4:12 album version and an edited 6:27 'N.Y. Subway Extended Mix' of GYKIT are included.
* "All Or Nothing" is missing its German chatter.
* "Baby Don't Forget My Number" is mostly a new version, with the chorus of the German album version. (Except on an unknown numbered pressing - see below.)
EARLY CD PRESSING
* "Baby Don't Forget My Number" is a strange remix lasting 6:28. As this version doesn't really have the structure of a proper song, and resembles the remixes on the maxi single, it was likely included by mistake.
* "More Than You'll Ever Know" appears in its original 4:00 length.
* "Take It As It Comes" appears in its original 3:41 length.
* The original form of "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You" from the German LP is used.
RECORD CLUB / MATRIX "-3" CD PRESSINGS
* "Baby Don't Forget My Number" appears in its proper US album form.
* "More Than You'll Ever Know" has been extended to 4:32.
* "Take It As It Comes" has been extended to 4:15.
MATRIX "-4" CD PRESSING
As above, except:
* "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You" has been remixed; the beat has been changed slightly, and the new length is 4:24.
===============================================
Well, there's *nine* variations! Any more?
(Also, credit where it's due - information about the US versions was sourced from here:
http://www.crapfromthepast.com/millivanilli/firstlp.htm)
Monday, May 31, 2010
(D/L) Those 'other' Pokemon versions, part 2
Oh, what the heck. I have time to post the rest of them.
BlueSea
ChaosBlack
DarkCry
Telefang: Speed Version [This game was the basis for Pokemon Jade. Unfortunately, a ROM of Jade itself doesn't seem to exist.]
Lugia's Ocean [Sort of. The actual Lugia's Ocean doesn't seem to have appeared as a ROM. What did, however, was an earlier version of this hack titled Blue Dream, which I have included.]
ShinyGold
Here's the second pack of PokePirates:
BlueSea ChaosBlack DarkCry Telefang: Speed Version [This game was the basis for Pokemon Jade. Unfortunately, a ROM of Jade itself doesn't seem to exist.] Lugia's Ocean [Sort of. The actual Lugia's Ocean doesn't seem to have appeared as a ROM. What did, however, was an earlier version of this hack titled Blue Dream, which I have included.] ShinyGoldAlright, that's all I have in terms of the phony 'Version' carts... and again, I must insist, support the official Nintendo games. They're a lot better than this crap.
(D/L) Those 'other' Pokemon versions, part 1
I see it now - you're a Pokemon fan. You've followed the series since grade school. You made sure to keep up with all the different variations... Gold, Silver, Emerald, etcetera. But then you searched for Pokemon stuff on sites like eBay and iOffer and realized that there are OTHER VERSIONS out there you never even heard of! You need to buy them as soon as possible!
Yeah, don't bother.
I've noticed recently, even though eBay no longer permits these unauthorized "Versions," more permissive sites like iOffer have dozens of sellers trying to pawn bootleg Pokemon carts off to unsuspecting buyers. People should've caught onto the telltale signs - cheap cover art (seriously, you should see the back cover blurbs on these things), dull-looking cartridges, inconsistent fonts, and oh yeah, the fact that Nintendo never promoted them. But they still sell. And they shouldn't.
So, I've searched the Internet far and wide to bring you ROMs of the most common pirate "Versions." You can play them for free and see what you would've wasted your money on, instead of putting money in a scammer's pocket.
Here's the first pack:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=H3ZHW362
Arcoiris [Rainbow]
CrystalShards
Diamond [Telefang: Power Version]
Frigo Returns
Naranja [Orange]
Perla
Quartz
The second batch will come tomorrow. In the meantime, go out and buy REAL Nintendo versions! They're a hell of a lot more entertaining and/or playable.
Yeah, don't bother.
I've noticed recently, even though eBay no longer permits these unauthorized "Versions," more permissive sites like iOffer have dozens of sellers trying to pawn bootleg Pokemon carts off to unsuspecting buyers. People should've caught onto the telltale signs - cheap cover art (seriously, you should see the back cover blurbs on these things), dull-looking cartridges, inconsistent fonts, and oh yeah, the fact that Nintendo never promoted them. But they still sell. And they shouldn't.
So, I've searched the Internet far and wide to bring you ROMs of the most common pirate "Versions." You can play them for free and see what you would've wasted your money on, instead of putting money in a scammer's pocket.
Here's the first pack:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=H3ZHW362
Arcoiris [Rainbow] CrystalShards Diamond [Telefang: Power Version] Frigo Returns Naranja [Orange] Perla QuartzThe second batch will come tomorrow. In the meantime, go out and buy REAL Nintendo versions! They're a hell of a lot more entertaining and/or playable.
Friday, May 28, 2010
The most tantalizing FAKE Beatleg ever...
Since I first bought the book, I've found the back cover of John Winn's "Beatlegmania Vol. 3" quite fascinating. It depicts a scan from a 1981 bootleg catalog, detailing the bootlegger's latest release, entitled "The Black Album of Lost Tracks." This is a two-LP set, with what seems to be an utterly impossible tracklist.
You know I love phony Beatles tracks, so I thought I'd reproduce the track descriptions here, and discuss each of them in an attempt to reveal the truth about each... The quotes are taken directly from the ad. The guy really tries to play up tracks to make the package seem legit.
SIDE ONE
1) When I Come To Town (Abbey Road outtake - John & Paul, good mono) - As far as I am aware, this was a bootlegger's false title for Ringo's "Early 1970", as this phrase does appear in the lyrics. I've also heard this as a title for George's ATMP-era demo "Nowhere To Go", which includes the phrase 'when everybody comes to town'. Neither of these songs involve John OR Paul. And we'll get back to "Early 1970" later...
2) I Should Like To Live Up A Tree (Abbey Road outtake - Ringo, good stereo) - Frequent visitors to this blog should recognize this one. The Ringo notation is correct, as this was either a journalist or bootlegger's mistaken title for "Octopus's Garden." I *guess*, given that OP outtakes exist, this is technically possible. (And of course, long after this ad was printed, the folks at Junk Headz slapped it onto a "Get Back"-era John improv with appropriate lyrics, so it could be used either way.)
3) Colliding Circles (Sgt Pepper outtake - John, excellent stereo) - Really? Getting into these ones quick, aren't we? This was a song title fabricated by a fan named Martin Lewis to pad out an early Seventies article in the New Musical Express about the Beatles' supposed unreleased tracks. (Fans would eventually create their own visions of this track however; R. Stevie Moore released a single under this title, and the Beatles bootleg "Relativity Cadenza Vol. 2" contains an outfake of this title, created using trippy Beatle and Rutle samples.)
4) India (Sgt Pepper outtake - George, good mono) - While John would eventually write a song of this title after leaving the Beatles, George didn't.
5) Not Guilty (White Album outtake - original Beatles version, George, excellent mono) - *GASP* Oh my God, a song that actually exists!
6) Sgt. Pepper Medley ("five unfinished cuts from Pepper put together - a fantastic compilation", excellent stereo) - Man, all these supposed lost Pepper tracks. As far as anyone is aware, the only 'lost' Sgt Pepper tracks are "Anything" and "Carnival Of Light"; the other three rejects ("Strawberry Fields", "Penny Lane", and "Northern Song") appeared elsewhere. Besides, what are these alleged unfinished cuts, anyway?? And in excellent stereo?! Damn.
SIDE TWO
1) Oh My Love (Abbey Road outtake - original Beatles version, "classic John & Paul", excellent stereo) - The supposed Beatles version of this is actually performed by a band called the Wackers. So, I guess this scammer could've slapped that one on here, as it was fairly common on vinyl bootlegs.
2) Zero Is Just Another Even Number, or Sgt. Pepper's Dream ("Paul sings lead on this really great Pepper outtake; far better than most cuts on Pepper, this should have been a single", excellent stereo) - Wow, a song supposedly better than most of Sgt. Pepper? Then... why wouldn't they release it? This is actually the first time I've seen "Zero" described as a) a Paul track, as it's usually credited to George, and b) a Sgt. Pepper outtake, rather than an Abbey Road/Hot As Sun track. At least he tried to be original.
3) Annie ("Another top-notch Pepper outtake, could have been a No. 1 single, features John, Paul & George", excellent stereo) - The supposed 'Sgt. Pepper' outtake given this title on old bootlegs is actually "Sun In Her Hand" by a group called Blond. Apparently, there is a Paul song by this title somewhere in the Get Back sessions, but it's nothing more than a brief improv.
4) Step Inside Love (White Album outtake, Paul, good stereo) - Yep, this exists. However, this was likely an educated guess on the scammer's part, as I don't believe this recording was brought to light until the Nineties. There *was* a 1967 demo of "Step Inside Love" circulating on vinyl at this time, but it was atrociously poor mono. But hey, who's to put it past a scammer to embellish?
5) Oh Darling ("incredible 8 minute version") - The eight-minute reel of Paul playing with vocal effects is far from "incredible", so I doubt he meant that one... there may actually be an eight-minute version from the Get Back sessions, though. As a matter of fact, it may have even been edited down for the Anthology 3 version. Don't quote me on that, though.
6) Strawberry Fields Forever ("longer, different version", excellent stereo) - Don't know what to say about this one; there are different versions of SFF, and they are in excellent stereo. I dunno about 'longer' though. I suppose this could be one of the slow, rambling, Mellotron-based takes that ended in little jams.
SIDE THREE
1) Circles & Circles (Sgt Pepper outtake, George with John, "features some fabulous guitar", excellent mono) - Bullshit. The closest to this title would be the White Album-era demo "Circles", which is George and only George, and features organ and only organ.
2) John's Dream (White Album outtake, features Yoko Ono & George on sitar, excellent mono) - Could be a bullshit title, though apparently there is a poor quality outfake claiming to be from the White Album era called "The Dream". I haven't heard this, so I don't know if there are any elements resembling a sitar or Yoko. The only genuine White Album outtake featuring John, George and Yoko (but no sitar) is, of course, "What's The New Mary Jane."
3) Not Unknown (Sgt Pepper outtake, George, "with really strange organ, similar to It's All Too Much", excellent stereo) - If this boot existed, I'd bet any money that this track would be "Only A Northern Song." Not only is that a Sgt Pepper-era George song that features organ and a cacophony of sounds different from, but just as noisy as, "It's All Too Much", but it's working title was the similar "Not Known." A track in no way fitting the scammer's description has also surfaced on Beatlegs, this time being a mislabeled copy of Blond's "There's A Man Standing In The Corner."
4) Heavenly Smiles (Lady Madonna sessions, George, "same far-out organ as on Not Unknown, sounds like bagpipes, this is a really fantastic cut, one of GH's best", excellent stereo) - Now, you know if he plays it up THAT much, it must be a bullshit title. Bingo. Although... "sounds like bagpipes" does fit a George song from the Lady Madonna sessions - but that's "The Inner Light."
5) Four Nights In Moscow (Abbey Road outtake, all, excellent mono) - Kindly consult my compilation entitled "Hot As Sun". Thank you. :-P (Yes, this is "Early 1970" again, and that doesn't feature 'all'; I believe only George had a cameo on that track.)
6) Proud As You Are (Revolver outtake, "Paul ballad, very good", excellent mono) - IT'S JUST FOR YOU! Uh, I'm assuming this was meant to be something different than *that*. This was a title from the Hot As Sun article which, through misinformed '70s Beatle books such as "All Together Now," ended up as part of other eras. Junk Headz (and me) seem to be the first to actually assign a song to this title... but obviously, it's far from being a very good ballad!
7) Here Come The Sun King ("the original, longer version", excellent stereo) - There is indeed an "original, longer version" of Sun King, but it certainly wouldn't be in stereo. John recorded a lengthy, repetitive instrumental version during the Get Back sessions, which later appeared on vinyl boots such as "Return to Abbey Road."
8) Sun Kings ("continuation, mindblowing", excellent stereo) - Your guess is as good as mine.
SIDE 4
1) Rocking Saturday Night (Paul, "from unreleased 1969 Beatles 'Rock & Roll' album", excellent stereo) - Do I even have to mention that neither this song or that album ever existed?
2) Shake, Rattle and Roll ("longer than movie version, from 'Rock & Roll'", excellent stereo) - While the Beatles did cover this in 1969 (and indeed, a longer copy exists than the hackjob on Anthology 3, not that that album would have any effect 15 years prior), this supposed unreleased album still doesn't exist.
3) Yer Blues ("longer, different version", excellent stereo) - Oh hell, it's probably the damn Rock and Roll Circus one.
4) Honey Pie (alternate take, excellent stereo) - A number of vinyl boots did indeed have a supposed 'alternate take' of Honey Pie. It was fake, being nothing more than a fan's bastardization/overdubbing of the album version.
5) Jubilee (original Beatles version of Junk, good mono) - I dunno, was the Esher demo circulating by 1981? If so, then yeah, I'll give 'em this one.
6) I'd Have You Anytime (original Beatles version, excellent stereo) - The Beatles never attempted this All Things Must Pass track as far as anyone knows; not even during the Get Back sessions, where songs like Hear Me Lord and Isn't It A Pity debuted.
7) Sgt. Pepper Jam ("outtake of theme", excellent stereo) - Not unless he skipped about 28 years into the future and got ahold of the multitracks; because while an instrumental jam version of Sgt. Pepper is possible to mix NOW, it wasn't in 1981.
8) All Things Must Pass ("This is NOT the more common version which was a Let It Be film outtake; rather, this is the original Beatles version cut from Abbey Rd.", excellent stereo) - Another lucky guess. As Anthology 3 showed, there was an Abbey Road-era version of this song, but I don't believe anyone knew about it in 1981.
Now, the guy claims to be selling 40 copies of this at $35 apiece. Not too bad. But he claims that the flyer is being sent out to 200 people, so we'd better move fast. This means that he either took people's money silently and just didn't send them anything, or told every person who wanted a copy that they were sold out.
Incidentally, the ad includes another album - a three LP set called "Sessions from Beatles Underground", featuring 12-15 minute session excerpts focusing on "Mean Mr. Mustard", "I Am The Walrus", "Revolution", "Hey Jude", "Mary Jane", and "Blackbird". While such an album would be possible now, there's no way in Hell he could've pulled such an album off in 1981.
You know I love phony Beatles tracks, so I thought I'd reproduce the track descriptions here, and discuss each of them in an attempt to reveal the truth about each... The quotes are taken directly from the ad. The guy really tries to play up tracks to make the package seem legit.
SIDE ONE
1) When I Come To Town (Abbey Road outtake - John & Paul, good mono) - As far as I am aware, this was a bootlegger's false title for Ringo's "Early 1970", as this phrase does appear in the lyrics. I've also heard this as a title for George's ATMP-era demo "Nowhere To Go", which includes the phrase 'when everybody comes to town'. Neither of these songs involve John OR Paul. And we'll get back to "Early 1970" later...
2) I Should Like To Live Up A Tree (Abbey Road outtake - Ringo, good stereo) - Frequent visitors to this blog should recognize this one. The Ringo notation is correct, as this was either a journalist or bootlegger's mistaken title for "Octopus's Garden." I *guess*, given that OP outtakes exist, this is technically possible. (And of course, long after this ad was printed, the folks at Junk Headz slapped it onto a "Get Back"-era John improv with appropriate lyrics, so it could be used either way.)
3) Colliding Circles (Sgt Pepper outtake - John, excellent stereo) - Really? Getting into these ones quick, aren't we? This was a song title fabricated by a fan named Martin Lewis to pad out an early Seventies article in the New Musical Express about the Beatles' supposed unreleased tracks. (Fans would eventually create their own visions of this track however; R. Stevie Moore released a single under this title, and the Beatles bootleg "Relativity Cadenza Vol. 2" contains an outfake of this title, created using trippy Beatle and Rutle samples.)
4) India (Sgt Pepper outtake - George, good mono) - While John would eventually write a song of this title after leaving the Beatles, George didn't.
5) Not Guilty (White Album outtake - original Beatles version, George, excellent mono) - *GASP* Oh my God, a song that actually exists!
6) Sgt. Pepper Medley ("five unfinished cuts from Pepper put together - a fantastic compilation", excellent stereo) - Man, all these supposed lost Pepper tracks. As far as anyone is aware, the only 'lost' Sgt Pepper tracks are "Anything" and "Carnival Of Light"; the other three rejects ("Strawberry Fields", "Penny Lane", and "Northern Song") appeared elsewhere. Besides, what are these alleged unfinished cuts, anyway?? And in excellent stereo?! Damn.
SIDE TWO
1) Oh My Love (Abbey Road outtake - original Beatles version, "classic John & Paul", excellent stereo) - The supposed Beatles version of this is actually performed by a band called the Wackers. So, I guess this scammer could've slapped that one on here, as it was fairly common on vinyl bootlegs.
2) Zero Is Just Another Even Number, or Sgt. Pepper's Dream ("Paul sings lead on this really great Pepper outtake; far better than most cuts on Pepper, this should have been a single", excellent stereo) - Wow, a song supposedly better than most of Sgt. Pepper? Then... why wouldn't they release it? This is actually the first time I've seen "Zero" described as a) a Paul track, as it's usually credited to George, and b) a Sgt. Pepper outtake, rather than an Abbey Road/Hot As Sun track. At least he tried to be original.
3) Annie ("Another top-notch Pepper outtake, could have been a No. 1 single, features John, Paul & George", excellent stereo) - The supposed 'Sgt. Pepper' outtake given this title on old bootlegs is actually "Sun In Her Hand" by a group called Blond. Apparently, there is a Paul song by this title somewhere in the Get Back sessions, but it's nothing more than a brief improv.
4) Step Inside Love (White Album outtake, Paul, good stereo) - Yep, this exists. However, this was likely an educated guess on the scammer's part, as I don't believe this recording was brought to light until the Nineties. There *was* a 1967 demo of "Step Inside Love" circulating on vinyl at this time, but it was atrociously poor mono. But hey, who's to put it past a scammer to embellish?
5) Oh Darling ("incredible 8 minute version") - The eight-minute reel of Paul playing with vocal effects is far from "incredible", so I doubt he meant that one... there may actually be an eight-minute version from the Get Back sessions, though. As a matter of fact, it may have even been edited down for the Anthology 3 version. Don't quote me on that, though.
6) Strawberry Fields Forever ("longer, different version", excellent stereo) - Don't know what to say about this one; there are different versions of SFF, and they are in excellent stereo. I dunno about 'longer' though. I suppose this could be one of the slow, rambling, Mellotron-based takes that ended in little jams.
SIDE THREE
1) Circles & Circles (Sgt Pepper outtake, George with John, "features some fabulous guitar", excellent mono) - Bullshit. The closest to this title would be the White Album-era demo "Circles", which is George and only George, and features organ and only organ.
2) John's Dream (White Album outtake, features Yoko Ono & George on sitar, excellent mono) - Could be a bullshit title, though apparently there is a poor quality outfake claiming to be from the White Album era called "The Dream". I haven't heard this, so I don't know if there are any elements resembling a sitar or Yoko. The only genuine White Album outtake featuring John, George and Yoko (but no sitar) is, of course, "What's The New Mary Jane."
3) Not Unknown (Sgt Pepper outtake, George, "with really strange organ, similar to It's All Too Much", excellent stereo) - If this boot existed, I'd bet any money that this track would be "Only A Northern Song." Not only is that a Sgt Pepper-era George song that features organ and a cacophony of sounds different from, but just as noisy as, "It's All Too Much", but it's working title was the similar "Not Known." A track in no way fitting the scammer's description has also surfaced on Beatlegs, this time being a mislabeled copy of Blond's "There's A Man Standing In The Corner."
4) Heavenly Smiles (Lady Madonna sessions, George, "same far-out organ as on Not Unknown, sounds like bagpipes, this is a really fantastic cut, one of GH's best", excellent stereo) - Now, you know if he plays it up THAT much, it must be a bullshit title. Bingo. Although... "sounds like bagpipes" does fit a George song from the Lady Madonna sessions - but that's "The Inner Light."
5) Four Nights In Moscow (Abbey Road outtake, all, excellent mono) - Kindly consult my compilation entitled "Hot As Sun". Thank you. :-P (Yes, this is "Early 1970" again, and that doesn't feature 'all'; I believe only George had a cameo on that track.)
6) Proud As You Are (Revolver outtake, "Paul ballad, very good", excellent mono) - IT'S JUST FOR YOU! Uh, I'm assuming this was meant to be something different than *that*. This was a title from the Hot As Sun article which, through misinformed '70s Beatle books such as "All Together Now," ended up as part of other eras. Junk Headz (and me) seem to be the first to actually assign a song to this title... but obviously, it's far from being a very good ballad!
7) Here Come The Sun King ("the original, longer version", excellent stereo) - There is indeed an "original, longer version" of Sun King, but it certainly wouldn't be in stereo. John recorded a lengthy, repetitive instrumental version during the Get Back sessions, which later appeared on vinyl boots such as "Return to Abbey Road."
8) Sun Kings ("continuation, mindblowing", excellent stereo) - Your guess is as good as mine.
SIDE 4
1) Rocking Saturday Night (Paul, "from unreleased 1969 Beatles 'Rock & Roll' album", excellent stereo) - Do I even have to mention that neither this song or that album ever existed?
2) Shake, Rattle and Roll ("longer than movie version, from 'Rock & Roll'", excellent stereo) - While the Beatles did cover this in 1969 (and indeed, a longer copy exists than the hackjob on Anthology 3, not that that album would have any effect 15 years prior), this supposed unreleased album still doesn't exist.
3) Yer Blues ("longer, different version", excellent stereo) - Oh hell, it's probably the damn Rock and Roll Circus one.
4) Honey Pie (alternate take, excellent stereo) - A number of vinyl boots did indeed have a supposed 'alternate take' of Honey Pie. It was fake, being nothing more than a fan's bastardization/overdubbing of the album version.
5) Jubilee (original Beatles version of Junk, good mono) - I dunno, was the Esher demo circulating by 1981? If so, then yeah, I'll give 'em this one.
6) I'd Have You Anytime (original Beatles version, excellent stereo) - The Beatles never attempted this All Things Must Pass track as far as anyone knows; not even during the Get Back sessions, where songs like Hear Me Lord and Isn't It A Pity debuted.
7) Sgt. Pepper Jam ("outtake of theme", excellent stereo) - Not unless he skipped about 28 years into the future and got ahold of the multitracks; because while an instrumental jam version of Sgt. Pepper is possible to mix NOW, it wasn't in 1981.
8) All Things Must Pass ("This is NOT the more common version which was a Let It Be film outtake; rather, this is the original Beatles version cut from Abbey Rd.", excellent stereo) - Another lucky guess. As Anthology 3 showed, there was an Abbey Road-era version of this song, but I don't believe anyone knew about it in 1981.
Now, the guy claims to be selling 40 copies of this at $35 apiece. Not too bad. But he claims that the flyer is being sent out to 200 people, so we'd better move fast. This means that he either took people's money silently and just didn't send them anything, or told every person who wanted a copy that they were sold out.
Incidentally, the ad includes another album - a three LP set called "Sessions from Beatles Underground", featuring 12-15 minute session excerpts focusing on "Mean Mr. Mustard", "I Am The Walrus", "Revolution", "Hey Jude", "Mary Jane", and "Blackbird". While such an album would be possible now, there's no way in Hell he could've pulled such an album off in 1981.
Monday, April 5, 2010
How many Bond films, exactly...?
Oh, there's always a debate over how many Bond films there are. Usually one of the following...
- There are 22, up to Quantum of Solace. The unofficial ones don't count.
- There are 25 up to QOS, including the old Casino Royale's, and Never Say Never Again.
- There are 24 up to QOS, because the 1954 Casino Royale is too short to be a full movie.
Well, guess what? Wrong... wrong.... wrong. There are at least *thirty six*.
As far as I have been able to determine, THIS is the complete James Bond filmography:
- "Casino Royale" (1954), starring Barry Nelson
- "Dr. No" (1962), starring Sean Connery
- "From Russia With Love" (1963), starring Sean Connery
- "Goldfinger" (1964), starring Sean Connery
- "Thunderball" (1965), starring Sean Connery
- "Two Mafiosi Against Goldginger" (Italian - 1965), starring George Hilton [Hilton's 007 is only a small role, and not the focus of the film]
- "Operation Kid Brother" (Italian - 1967), starring Neil Connery [spinoff - 007 is killed and replaced; co-stars EON castmembers]
- "Casino Royale" (1967), starring David Niven, etc.
- "You Only Live Twice" (1967), starring Sean Connery
- "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" (1969), starring George Lazenby
- "James Bond 777" (Indian - 1971), starring Ghattamaneni Krishna
- "Diamonds Are Forever" (1971), starring Sean Connery
- "Live and Let Die" (1973), starring Roger Moore
- "The Man With The Golden Gun" (1974), starring Roger Moore
- "From Hong Kong With Love" (French - 1975), starring Les Charlots, a French pop group [spinoff - 007 is killed and replaced; co-stars EON castmembers]
- "The Spy Who Loved Me" (1977), starring Roger Moore
- "The Dragon Lives Again" (Chinese - 1977), starring Alexander Grand
- "Moonraker" (1979), starring Roger Moore
- "For Your Eyes Only" (1981), starring Roger Moore
- "Octopussy" (1983), starring Roger Moore
- "Never Say Never Again" (1983), starring Sean Connery
- "Our Man From Bond Street" (Japanese - 1984), starring Jean Mersant [Bond is the villain; also stars Richard Kiel!]
- "A View To A Kill" (1985), starring Roger Moore
- "Bond 303" (Indian - 1986), starring Jeetendra
- "The Mahjong Incident" (Chinese - 1987), starring Ron D. Cohen [Cohen's 007 is only a small role, and not the focus of the film]
- "The Living Daylights" (1987), starring Timothy Dalton
- "Licence To Kill" (1989), starring Timothy Dalton
- "Mr. Bond" (Indian - 1992), starring Akshay Kumar
- "From Beijing With Love" (Chinese - 1994), starring Stephen Chiau
- "GoldenEye" (1995), starring Pierce Brosnan
- "Tomorrow Never Dies" (1997), starring Pierce Brosnan
- "The World Is Not Enough" (1999), starring Pierce Brosnan
- "Jak Ukrast Dagmaru" [translation unknown] (Polish - 2001), starring Jaroslav Sypal
- "Die Another Day" (2002), starring Pierce Brosnan
- "Casino Royale" (2006), starring Daniel Craig
- "Quantum Of Solace" (2008), starring Daniel Craig
Now, this is by no means a complete list, as I'm certain there are others floating around.
But what few realize is that Bond is an international character; as with any well-known franchise ("Turkish Star Wars", anyone?), foreign countries are bound to interpret the character in ways best suited for their population. God only knows what EON thinks of these - try finding the DVD cover for "Jak Ukrast Dagmaru". The number '007' appears dozens of times. And "From Beijing With Love," an extremely bloody Chinese interpretation starring "Kung Fu Hustle" star Stephen Chiau; not only does the cover refer to the character as 007, but the Bond theme appears in the movie!
While you're likely to NEVER see a mention of these in a Bond book (you're lucky to see the non-EON flicks; and frankly, I hate when a book skips 'the other three'), they still exist. I've collected a few, and while some are just terrible ("Operation Kid Brother" managed to piss off Sean Connery AND become an episode of MST3K), others (like "Mr. Bond," a Bollywood musical with a jaw-dropping villain that slaughters babies) are worthwhile for the curiosity value.
If anyone knows of one missing from my list, lemme know...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
"Inside Spinal Tap" - the discography
Thought I would share this as a follow-up to my recent Tap post, and since the books are hard to find nowadays...
The first attempt at compiling a Spinal Tap discography was in Peter Occhiogrosso's 1984 book "Inside Spinal Tap." While precious and few song titles were given, it was still an interesting and well-thought-out overview of their output, including singles. The 1992 edition of the book (updated to include coverage of "Break Like The Wind") featured a complete rewrite of the discography, replacing the descriptions of the releases with critical reviews.
Since both versions make for fun reading, I thought I would transcribe both of them here. Enjoy!
====================================
[The notation "E1" refers to the original 1984 edition, while "E2" refers to the revised 1992 edition. I removed references to other areas of the book. My own personal notes, wherever an error should exist in Occhiogrosso's text, are marked with "SW".]
"Gimme Some Money" b/w "Cups and Cakes" (Abbey, 1965)
E1: 'Their first single, released under the name of the Thamesmen.'
"(Listen To The) Flower People" b/w "Rainy Day Sun" (Megaphone, 1967)
E1: 'First single as Spinal Tap, with Ronnie Pudding on bass.'
SPINAL TAP (Megaphone, 1967)
E1: 'Released in the U.S. as SPINAL TAP SINGS "(LISTEN TO THE) FLOWER PEOPLE" AND OTHER FAVORITES. First LP.'
E2: 'Clear, crisp, scintillating, the first fresh breath of a new dawn sweeping over the sludgy, self-satisfied rooftops of rock 'n' roll. Or was it a new, gritty realism putting the lie to the prettified homogeneity of early-Sixties "Bobbie" rock? Who cares? We know vintage gold when we smell it. What's really amazing is how well this stuff has aged. Our advice: Buy a few cases and lay them down in the cellar for your grandkids. Standouts include the mellow title track and the wryly portentous "Have a Nice Death," featuring a killer drum solo from "Stumpy" Pepys. A+'
SW: One of the big inconsistencies in both editions of the book is the identity of Tap's drummer at this point. It was *not* John "Stumpy" Pepys as Occhiogrosso seemed to believe, but rather, Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs. (Pepys was the blond, geeky drummer seen in "Gimme Some Money.")
"(Again With The) Flower People" b/w "Break With The Wind [sic!]" (Megaphone, 1968)
E1: 'Derek Smalls replaces Pudding on bass.'
SW: As you might've guessed, 'With' should be 'Like'. The song title's appearance in the Heavy Metal Memories commercial confirms that this was always the case.
WE ARE ALL FLOWER PEOPLE (Megaphone, 1968)
E2: 'When a flower begins to fade, it gives off a faintly sickly smell, and much the same could be said for Tap's attempt to cash in on their surprisingly successful debut LP. If that one was premier cru Bordeaux, this was pure red ink. A few of the songs were molded around a questionable proto-concept: the story of a lad who, like ill-fated Icarus, decided that he would put on wings and fly - except that he would be a kind of human airliner and sell seats on himself to pay for the project. Needless to say, the boys were "heavy into acid" at the time. When sales proved as disappointing as the concept, the LP was retitled THE INCREDIBLE FLIGHT OF ICARUS P. ANYBODY and reissued minus the title track. The new title, however, proved eerily prophetic as far as chart position was concerned. C-'
THE INCREDIBLE FLIGHT OF ICARUS P. ANYBODY (Megaphone, 1968)
E1: 'Sort of a preconcept album-concept album. It was, in fact, a retitled version of the poorly selling WE ARE ALL FLOWER PEOPLE, minus the title track.'
SW: All other sources of Tap lore give the release date as 1969.
SILENT BUT DEADLY (Megaphone, 1969)
E1: 'Recorded live at the Electric Zoo, Whimpton. Although the legendary two-hour Tufnel/St. Hubbins guitar solo on "Short 'n' Easy" was included only in severely edited form, bootlegs of the entire thing are known to exist. (Our lips, however, are sealed.)'
SW: Though the song's title would even re-appear as "Short 'n' Easy" in the recent 'Official Compendium' book, Tap more often called this song "Short and Sweet", seen in both the 1992 edition and the lyrics of the song.
E2: 'Tap are, needless to say, the pre-eminent live band, as this LP, recorded at the Electric Zoo, Whimpton, conclusively hints. I say "hints" because, due to the classic shortsightedness of the button-down nerds at Megaphone, the meta-legendary two-hour Tufnel-St. Hubbins twin guitar solo on "Short and Sweet" was chopped to a niggardly 18:37. Fortunately, some bootlegs exist (see below), and despite poor sound quality, are worth ferreting out. Humorous highlight: the snap-crackle-pop sound effects during Nigel's spoken intro to "Breakfast of Evil." B+'
BRAINHAMMER (Megaphone, 1970)
E1: 'Incorrected listed as 1973 on the sound-track LP from the "rockumentary" THIS IS SPINAL TAP. This and the next couple of LPs are described by Nigel as being stylistically pre-glam rock, whatever that means.'
E2: 'Here the band has clearly hit their lumbering stride full tilt, moving with the lean, mean aplomb of a brontosaurus in fighting trim. "Big Bottom," one of their earliest evergreens, brilliantly foreshadows Queen's later lesser ode to the bum cheek, "Fat-Bottomed Girls." Allegations of sexism miss the point - as Derek once explained, the song doesn't demean women but merely a part of their anatomy. Also delectable for the sheer brute force of their execution are "Lie Back and Take It" and the sultry "Swallow My Love." A'
"Big Bottom" (Megaphone, 1970)
E1: 'From the Brainhammer LP this track brilliantly foreshadows Queen's later, lesser "Fat-Bottomed Girls."'
NERVE DAMAGE (Megaphone, 1971)
BLOOD TO LET (Megaphone, 1972)
INTRAVENUS DE MILO (Megaphone, 1974)
E2: 'Alas, a certain, how shall I say, sameness has set in during this period of the band's meteoric rise to the middle of the pack. Apart from a hard-rockin "Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight" and the devilishly witty deconstruction of Social Darwinism, "Saliva of the Fittest" on Intravenus, not much of substance has survived from this three-year musical backwater. But hey, they're entitled. B-'
"Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight" (Megaphone, 1974)
E1: 'After a two-year recording hiatus, Tap came back with the Intravenus LP and this single, which, for them, was relatively successful.'
THE SUN NEVER SWEATS (Megaphone, 1975)
E1: 'Tap's first full-blown concept LP, based on a somewhat skewed vision of the British Empire as a world-uniting force.'
E2: 'Ponderous is the word for this late-blooming concept album that only a Taphead could love, padded as it is with creaky period pieces ("Daze of Knights of Old") and too-precious Donovan knock-offs ("The Princess and the Unicorn," "The Obelisk"). Riding the rising tide of British chauvinism implied in the title, Tap end up sounding, in the words of the overwrought title song, like "the hardest concrete" that "never quite sets." But when Tap stumble, at least they stumble big. Their nostalgic orgy of Britannophilia, which also brought us the deathless mytho-historico-romance "Stonehenge," is further proof that this fine band's reach sometimes exceeded its gasp. "Even the biggest elephant never forgets," David sings; in sooth, prithee forget this one, lads. C'
"Stonehenge" (Megaphone, 1975)
E1: 'Although never officially released as a single from The Sun..., its popularity on AOR radio in the midst of conceptmania and British historophilia resulted in overpressing of DJ and promotional copies in several different lengths, of which the shortest and most palatable was collected on TIST (4:36).'
JAP HABIT (Megaphone, 1975)
E1: 'Tap's second live outing, this three-LP set recorded in the Far East was notable for being released in England with two pounds of gimmick packaging. The American version was cut to two disc sans the packaging. What with two albums and a single in one year, this was clearly a busy if unprofitable time for Tap.'
E2: 'Triple-live barnburner that shouts a loud banzai! in the face of anyone who had lost faith in Tap's ability to soldier through the dreariest of times. Other bands may have already been cranking out double and triple live LP's in Far Eastern venues, but Tap's is somehow, well, longer and louder than most. Former session drummer Peter "James" Bond provides a welcome (if short-lived) steadiness to the ever-turbulent percussion chair, and Ross MacLochness churns out some monster (no pun intended) keyboard riffs on the breakneck "Devil Take the Hindmost" and the dreamy instrumental "Nocturnal Mission." But "Nice 'n' Stinky" proved to be the sleeping time-bomb that would explode into unexpected mega-hitdom two years later in the US. B+'
BENT FOR THE RENT (Megaphone, 1976)
E1: 'Although it yielded the nearly classic "Heavy Duty," this LP marked an all-time low in record sales for the bandwagon-hungry band, and the beginning of the end of their contract with Megaphone. The details of that exchange of legal fusillades are will documented in the author's end-of-an-era tome Suit Countersuit (q.v.), and needs no further comment here.'
E2: 'With the exception of the memorably anthemic "Heavy Duty" ("No page in history, baby - that I don't need/I just want to make some eardrums bleed"), this tardy entry in the glitter-rock sweepstakes is best forgotten. Ask yourself if you really want to hear Tap perform titles like the ill-conceived glam-soul pastiche "When a Man Looks Like a Woman," or the New York Dolls/Mitch Ryder homage, "High Heels, Hot Wheels." Nor did the LP go very far toward paying David, Nigel, and Derek's respective rents, for that matter. C-'
[SW: In both books, TAP DANCING goes unmentioned, which raises a curious point later on.]
ROCK AND ROLL CREATION (Megaphone, 1977)
E1: 'An air of mystery surrounds this otherwise unremarkable album. Release dates vary, depending on whom you ask. For instance, the TIST sound-track compilation (which if you recall, erred on the Brainhammer date) lists this as 1977; yet the band's own discography (compiled, it's true, by latecomers at Polymer Records) places it between Blood To Let and Intravenus de Milo. Go figure. We favor the later date, as the notion of a vengeful Megaphone releasing these rather forgettable tracks, post-departure, rings true to us. The title track did garner modest airplay in England, but since the nation was in the throes of the Punk Explosion at the time, it was all but lost in the shuffle (or pogo, if you must). No loss, really, after all.'
SW: It's accepted that 1977 is indeed the release date for this album.
E2: 'Score one for the bean-counters. Tap may even have got the idea for the infamous SMELL THE GLOVE cover when their former label "rubbed their noses in it" by releasing this shoddy collection of rejected tracks after the band's much publicized lawsuit against Megaphone. Was it gratuitous irony on Megaphone's part to include an especially off-key version of the band's rarely performed punk excursion, "Young, Smug and Famous"? We won't dignify the bastards by giving this one a rating.'
"Nice 'n' Stinky" (Megaphone, 1977)
E1: 'Ironies within ironies, or in their end is their beginning. In one last apparent attempt to wring a few droplets of lucre from the desiccating fortunes of poor Spinal Tap, Megaphone released a "specially edited" version of this cut from the two-year-old, triple-live Jap Habit, based on a small underground buzz in Great Britain. Perhaps all they really wanted to do was rub Tap's noses in it, who knows? But fate made a last minute U-turn, the track became an unprecedented surprise hit in America, and the Band that Refused to Die sprang back to life.'
IT'S A SMALLS WORLD (Unreleased eight-track "super demo," c. 1978)
E1: 'Although never released - and probably with good reason - this solo work of Derek Smalls's, which arrived during the same period of "suspended animation" that gave birth to the [following] LP, must be noted here for completeness's sake. Derek's comments on the recording shed probably as much light as ever will be shed upon this darkest of dark Spinal Tap hours. Let's move on.'
NIGEL TUFNEL'S CLAM CARAVAN (Plutarch, 1979)
E1: 'After what is politely referred to in the industry as "Le debacle Megaphone," the band retreated to Nigel's castle in Scotland, reportedly to ponder their future and pursue solo projects, of which this was the only one to see the light of day. Tufnel himself has been famously reticent on this LP - at least until recently. As it turns out, his memory is not much more revealing than the mists of myth and rumor.'
E2: 'Ah, yes, the solo albums, product of Tap's banishment from Megaphone and their near-legendary sojourn in Nigel's Scottish castle. To be perfectly honest, the infelicitously mistitled CLAM CARAVAN (the label should've read "Calm") is right up there with such fish-out-of-water efforts as Bill Wyman's A STONE ALONE and Ross MacLochness's DOESN'T ANYBODY HERE SPEAK ENGLISH? Just as MacLochness's solo LP sprang from his experience of missionary work in Namibia, Nigel's exotic sound-trip to the North African desert seems to emerge from some dark, arid patch of his troubled psyche. If this is any indication of the sheer torpor of Tap's collective dark night of the soul, it's probably just as well that Derek's solo opus, IT'S A SMALLS WORLD, never saw the flourescent light of record stores. C-'
SHARK SANDWICH (Polymer, 1980)
E1: 'Without missing a beat (a rarity for them), Spinal Tap picked up a new drummer, Mick Shrimpton, from an ex-Eurovision Song Contest house band. Replacing Peter ("James") Bond (a victim of spontaneous onstage combustion during the "Isle of Lucy" Jazz & Blues Festival) with Mick, Tap signed a new contract with Polymer Records (a Polydor subsidiary), and released this LP, as well as their first new single in over four years.'
E2: 'Having languished a significant three years in the tomb-like limbo of contractual lawsuits and solo meanderings, Tap are luminously resurrected here with a new label, a new direction, and (natch) a new drummer. A joyously nihilistic "No Place Like Nowhere" and their late-disco hit "Throb Detector" lead the way. But the sheer suggestive brilliance of "Sex Farm" presages their eventual ascension into Heavy Metal Heaven. Who needs the self-serving "Wild Man" posturings of today's trendy Iron John set when we can hear Tap singing about real men swinging real pitchforks? You'd have to go clear back to Breughel for an equally heady brew of hardworking everyman earthiness and primal barnyard lust. We can almost see the steam rising off the cow chips on this one. A+'
"Sex Farm" (Polymer, 1980)
E1: 'Not nearly as controversial as the earlier "Big Bottom," standards of permissiveness having inevitably relented a bit, this still caused enough of a ripple to reestablish Tap among the more offensively obvious of heavy metal misogynist bands. And why not?'
SMELL THE GLOVE (Polymer, 1982)
E1: 'The album that relaunched Tap as an American touring-band phenomenon. Oddly, all their press material of this period referred to Smell as the band's seventeenth album, though even if you count the Smalls nonrelease, you still come up with only sixteen. Which has led some observers (not to mention record collectors) to scour their memories and not a few cutout bins in search of that missing seventeenth. In all, the fuss over that nearly buried the controversy about the suppressed "sexist" cover.'
SW: The 'missing seventeenth' is TAP DANCING.
E2: 'They may have come out of the depths, but their reminiscences of that tedious time still burn on in the thundering "Hell Hole." Yet the band seem curiously ambivalent: are they glad to be out of a place where "the rats are peeling," or are they even more nauseated by the high life they've regained, however briefly ("The sauna's drafty, the pool's too hot/The kitchen stinks of boiling snails")? You figure it out. As for the notoriously suppressed cover and lurid title track, gimme a break! Tap as misogynists? Smell this, buddy! B+'
SW: This has been the only mention of a title track for this LP; even the discography in the back of the 'Official Compendium' fails to mention this. A discography very similar to the one in that book appears on the semi-official SpinalTapFan.com, and does include the title track, but this was added after I pointed out its mention in the 1992 edition of "Inside."
HEAVY METAL MEMORIES
E1: 'Pictures of this album's cover exist - one can be glimpsed on the inner sleeve of TIST, in fact - but the record itself appears to be strangely nonexistent. Rumored to have been a compilation album of some of Tap's earlier "glories," it may have been released by Megaphone during the band's well-known recording hiatus. Or it may simply be a pirate recording. Unfortunately, even the members of ST don't quite remember the facts surrounding this elusive platter, now merely another page in rock history's palimpsest. So be it.'
SW: This is odd, especially given that the faux TV commercial for this was produced shortly before this book. Apparently someone didn't tell Occhiogrosso about that! (No mention is made at all in the second edition.) Anyway, the accepted info on this LP was that it was a 1983 release on Metalhouse records, containing all of Tap's classics.
THIS IS SPINAL TAP - THE SOUNDTRACK (Polymer, 1984)
E2: 'More of a greatest hits package - albeit with many of their later tunes given new live treatments - than a bold step forward. Still, the LP does have one unassailable advantage over most of the others reviewed here: IT'S STILL IN PRINT! A-'
SW: The 'new live treatments' statement is hard to decipher, given that these are studio recordings; but fans agree that the modern sound of some tracks such as "Big Bottom" show that they must be re-recordings, and not the versions originally heard on their source albums.
BREAK LIKE THE WIND (Dead Faith/MCA, 1992)
E2: 'Tap's first new LP in a decade presents both the ultimate enigma and the ultimate challenge to their credibility. Daringly interlarding hot new tracks in the band's reborn molten metal style ("Bitch School," "Cash on Delivery") with classic period pieces ("The Sun Never Sweats," "Clam Caravan," "All the Way Home"), BLTW offers a uniquely valuable panorama of the band's development. But it also begs the question, Have Tap Sold Out? Squeaky clean production values, all-star guest soloists like Jeff Beck, Steve Lukather, Dweezil Cappa, and Cher(!), flawless engineering, and socially relevant issues raging from ecology ("Stinking Up the Great Outdoors") to euthanasia ("Track 13") - are these the qualities we've come to expect from England's Loudest Band? The real payoff just may be "Rainy Day Sun," a deliriously psychedelic foreshadowing of Kinks/Small Faces/Beatles modalities that was the original B-side of "Flower People." The story is that the 1967 tune was yanked by the band after "I Am the Walrus" and "Itchycoo Park" came out, so as "not to cause confusion in the marketplace," and was never included on its debut LP. How fitting that Tap's one legitimate chance to be ahead of its time ended up as an obscure collector's item until 25 years after its time! Overall, I'm strongly ambivalent about this one, but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt; as with the previous LP, you can actually buy it in stores. A'
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[In addition, the 1992 printing added an additional section containing reviews of five Tap bootlegs, as follows.]
AUDIBLE DEATH (Gaswind, 1969)
'Sounds like someone had a small cassette recorder in about the 50th row of the Electric Zoo the same day Silent But Deadly was recorded. Audio quality is zilch, and the constant sound of someone choking on what must have been incredible bad dope is distracting, but it's worth a shot, if only for the justly famous two-hour "Short and Sweet."'
LIVE AT BUDOKKAN (Japtap, 1975)
'In case you didn't get enough to feed your JAP HABIT, this Budokkan's for you. Stellar acoustics, although some overheated fan keeps screaming Bonzai! in the middle of Nigel's guitar solos. A mixed blessing, but more blessed than mixed.'
GOT THAMESMEN ON TAP (Merseybleat, ND)
'If our ears don't lie, this is historic stuff, with Ronnie Pudding and a pre-gardening accident "Stumpy" Pepys in top form. Early hits and a cool smattering of cover versions, purportedly taped in an underground club in Rotterdam. On the other hand, it may just be an incredible simulation, which pretty much amounts to the same thing.'
IT'S A DUB WORLD (Skaface, 1979?)
'The bass tracks only to Derek's never-released solo LP, somehow pirated from the studio where he was working at the time. Lets the imagination run wild.'
OPENFACED MAKO (Hammerhead, 1980)
'A collection of outtakes from the SHARK SANDWICH sessions, replete with some very revealing in-studio banter (near-fistfights would be more like it!). A real must, especially for the never-released, XXX-rated version of "Sex Farm." Naughty, naughty.'
====================================
Just a note about "Smell The Glove" being the seventeenth album... excluding the solo albums, and the retitled version of WAAFP, this is still possible - at least in terms of what the Tap mythos dictated by this point:
Confusingly, Tap claim on their Joe Franklin Show appearance that the "Spinal Tap" soundtrack, not "Smell The Glove", is their seventeenth album. This would leave the count as such:
Take your pick.
The first attempt at compiling a Spinal Tap discography was in Peter Occhiogrosso's 1984 book "Inside Spinal Tap." While precious and few song titles were given, it was still an interesting and well-thought-out overview of their output, including singles. The 1992 edition of the book (updated to include coverage of "Break Like The Wind") featured a complete rewrite of the discography, replacing the descriptions of the releases with critical reviews.
Since both versions make for fun reading, I thought I would transcribe both of them here. Enjoy!
====================================
[The notation "E1" refers to the original 1984 edition, while "E2" refers to the revised 1992 edition. I removed references to other areas of the book. My own personal notes, wherever an error should exist in Occhiogrosso's text, are marked with "SW".]
"Gimme Some Money" b/w "Cups and Cakes" (Abbey, 1965)
E1: 'Their first single, released under the name of the Thamesmen.'
"(Listen To The) Flower People" b/w "Rainy Day Sun" (Megaphone, 1967)
E1: 'First single as Spinal Tap, with Ronnie Pudding on bass.'
SPINAL TAP (Megaphone, 1967)
E1: 'Released in the U.S. as SPINAL TAP SINGS "(LISTEN TO THE) FLOWER PEOPLE" AND OTHER FAVORITES. First LP.'
E2: 'Clear, crisp, scintillating, the first fresh breath of a new dawn sweeping over the sludgy, self-satisfied rooftops of rock 'n' roll. Or was it a new, gritty realism putting the lie to the prettified homogeneity of early-Sixties "Bobbie" rock? Who cares? We know vintage gold when we smell it. What's really amazing is how well this stuff has aged. Our advice: Buy a few cases and lay them down in the cellar for your grandkids. Standouts include the mellow title track and the wryly portentous "Have a Nice Death," featuring a killer drum solo from "Stumpy" Pepys. A+'
SW: One of the big inconsistencies in both editions of the book is the identity of Tap's drummer at this point. It was *not* John "Stumpy" Pepys as Occhiogrosso seemed to believe, but rather, Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs. (Pepys was the blond, geeky drummer seen in "Gimme Some Money.")
"(Again With The) Flower People" b/w "Break With The Wind [sic!]" (Megaphone, 1968)
E1: 'Derek Smalls replaces Pudding on bass.'
SW: As you might've guessed, 'With' should be 'Like'. The song title's appearance in the Heavy Metal Memories commercial confirms that this was always the case.
WE ARE ALL FLOWER PEOPLE (Megaphone, 1968)
E2: 'When a flower begins to fade, it gives off a faintly sickly smell, and much the same could be said for Tap's attempt to cash in on their surprisingly successful debut LP. If that one was premier cru Bordeaux, this was pure red ink. A few of the songs were molded around a questionable proto-concept: the story of a lad who, like ill-fated Icarus, decided that he would put on wings and fly - except that he would be a kind of human airliner and sell seats on himself to pay for the project. Needless to say, the boys were "heavy into acid" at the time. When sales proved as disappointing as the concept, the LP was retitled THE INCREDIBLE FLIGHT OF ICARUS P. ANYBODY and reissued minus the title track. The new title, however, proved eerily prophetic as far as chart position was concerned. C-'
THE INCREDIBLE FLIGHT OF ICARUS P. ANYBODY (Megaphone, 1968)
E1: 'Sort of a preconcept album-concept album. It was, in fact, a retitled version of the poorly selling WE ARE ALL FLOWER PEOPLE, minus the title track.'
SW: All other sources of Tap lore give the release date as 1969.
SILENT BUT DEADLY (Megaphone, 1969)
E1: 'Recorded live at the Electric Zoo, Whimpton. Although the legendary two-hour Tufnel/St. Hubbins guitar solo on "Short 'n' Easy" was included only in severely edited form, bootlegs of the entire thing are known to exist. (Our lips, however, are sealed.)'
SW: Though the song's title would even re-appear as "Short 'n' Easy" in the recent 'Official Compendium' book, Tap more often called this song "Short and Sweet", seen in both the 1992 edition and the lyrics of the song.
E2: 'Tap are, needless to say, the pre-eminent live band, as this LP, recorded at the Electric Zoo, Whimpton, conclusively hints. I say "hints" because, due to the classic shortsightedness of the button-down nerds at Megaphone, the meta-legendary two-hour Tufnel-St. Hubbins twin guitar solo on "Short and Sweet" was chopped to a niggardly 18:37. Fortunately, some bootlegs exist (see below), and despite poor sound quality, are worth ferreting out. Humorous highlight: the snap-crackle-pop sound effects during Nigel's spoken intro to "Breakfast of Evil." B+'
BRAINHAMMER (Megaphone, 1970)
E1: 'Incorrected listed as 1973 on the sound-track LP from the "rockumentary" THIS IS SPINAL TAP. This and the next couple of LPs are described by Nigel as being stylistically pre-glam rock, whatever that means.'
E2: 'Here the band has clearly hit their lumbering stride full tilt, moving with the lean, mean aplomb of a brontosaurus in fighting trim. "Big Bottom," one of their earliest evergreens, brilliantly foreshadows Queen's later lesser ode to the bum cheek, "Fat-Bottomed Girls." Allegations of sexism miss the point - as Derek once explained, the song doesn't demean women but merely a part of their anatomy. Also delectable for the sheer brute force of their execution are "Lie Back and Take It" and the sultry "Swallow My Love." A'
"Big Bottom" (Megaphone, 1970)
E1: 'From the Brainhammer LP this track brilliantly foreshadows Queen's later, lesser "Fat-Bottomed Girls."'
NERVE DAMAGE (Megaphone, 1971)
BLOOD TO LET (Megaphone, 1972)
INTRAVENUS DE MILO (Megaphone, 1974)
E2: 'Alas, a certain, how shall I say, sameness has set in during this period of the band's meteoric rise to the middle of the pack. Apart from a hard-rockin "Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight" and the devilishly witty deconstruction of Social Darwinism, "Saliva of the Fittest" on Intravenus, not much of substance has survived from this three-year musical backwater. But hey, they're entitled. B-'
"Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight" (Megaphone, 1974)
E1: 'After a two-year recording hiatus, Tap came back with the Intravenus LP and this single, which, for them, was relatively successful.'
THE SUN NEVER SWEATS (Megaphone, 1975)
E1: 'Tap's first full-blown concept LP, based on a somewhat skewed vision of the British Empire as a world-uniting force.'
E2: 'Ponderous is the word for this late-blooming concept album that only a Taphead could love, padded as it is with creaky period pieces ("Daze of Knights of Old") and too-precious Donovan knock-offs ("The Princess and the Unicorn," "The Obelisk"). Riding the rising tide of British chauvinism implied in the title, Tap end up sounding, in the words of the overwrought title song, like "the hardest concrete" that "never quite sets." But when Tap stumble, at least they stumble big. Their nostalgic orgy of Britannophilia, which also brought us the deathless mytho-historico-romance "Stonehenge," is further proof that this fine band's reach sometimes exceeded its gasp. "Even the biggest elephant never forgets," David sings; in sooth, prithee forget this one, lads. C'
"Stonehenge" (Megaphone, 1975)
E1: 'Although never officially released as a single from The Sun..., its popularity on AOR radio in the midst of conceptmania and British historophilia resulted in overpressing of DJ and promotional copies in several different lengths, of which the shortest and most palatable was collected on TIST (4:36).'
JAP HABIT (Megaphone, 1975)
E1: 'Tap's second live outing, this three-LP set recorded in the Far East was notable for being released in England with two pounds of gimmick packaging. The American version was cut to two disc sans the packaging. What with two albums and a single in one year, this was clearly a busy if unprofitable time for Tap.'
E2: 'Triple-live barnburner that shouts a loud banzai! in the face of anyone who had lost faith in Tap's ability to soldier through the dreariest of times. Other bands may have already been cranking out double and triple live LP's in Far Eastern venues, but Tap's is somehow, well, longer and louder than most. Former session drummer Peter "James" Bond provides a welcome (if short-lived) steadiness to the ever-turbulent percussion chair, and Ross MacLochness churns out some monster (no pun intended) keyboard riffs on the breakneck "Devil Take the Hindmost" and the dreamy instrumental "Nocturnal Mission." But "Nice 'n' Stinky" proved to be the sleeping time-bomb that would explode into unexpected mega-hitdom two years later in the US. B+'
BENT FOR THE RENT (Megaphone, 1976)
E1: 'Although it yielded the nearly classic "Heavy Duty," this LP marked an all-time low in record sales for the bandwagon-hungry band, and the beginning of the end of their contract with Megaphone. The details of that exchange of legal fusillades are will documented in the author's end-of-an-era tome Suit Countersuit (q.v.), and needs no further comment here.'
E2: 'With the exception of the memorably anthemic "Heavy Duty" ("No page in history, baby - that I don't need/I just want to make some eardrums bleed"), this tardy entry in the glitter-rock sweepstakes is best forgotten. Ask yourself if you really want to hear Tap perform titles like the ill-conceived glam-soul pastiche "When a Man Looks Like a Woman," or the New York Dolls/Mitch Ryder homage, "High Heels, Hot Wheels." Nor did the LP go very far toward paying David, Nigel, and Derek's respective rents, for that matter. C-'
[SW: In both books, TAP DANCING goes unmentioned, which raises a curious point later on.]
ROCK AND ROLL CREATION (Megaphone, 1977)
E1: 'An air of mystery surrounds this otherwise unremarkable album. Release dates vary, depending on whom you ask. For instance, the TIST sound-track compilation (which if you recall, erred on the Brainhammer date) lists this as 1977; yet the band's own discography (compiled, it's true, by latecomers at Polymer Records) places it between Blood To Let and Intravenus de Milo. Go figure. We favor the later date, as the notion of a vengeful Megaphone releasing these rather forgettable tracks, post-departure, rings true to us. The title track did garner modest airplay in England, but since the nation was in the throes of the Punk Explosion at the time, it was all but lost in the shuffle (or pogo, if you must). No loss, really, after all.'
SW: It's accepted that 1977 is indeed the release date for this album.
E2: 'Score one for the bean-counters. Tap may even have got the idea for the infamous SMELL THE GLOVE cover when their former label "rubbed their noses in it" by releasing this shoddy collection of rejected tracks after the band's much publicized lawsuit against Megaphone. Was it gratuitous irony on Megaphone's part to include an especially off-key version of the band's rarely performed punk excursion, "Young, Smug and Famous"? We won't dignify the bastards by giving this one a rating.'
"Nice 'n' Stinky" (Megaphone, 1977)
E1: 'Ironies within ironies, or in their end is their beginning. In one last apparent attempt to wring a few droplets of lucre from the desiccating fortunes of poor Spinal Tap, Megaphone released a "specially edited" version of this cut from the two-year-old, triple-live Jap Habit, based on a small underground buzz in Great Britain. Perhaps all they really wanted to do was rub Tap's noses in it, who knows? But fate made a last minute U-turn, the track became an unprecedented surprise hit in America, and the Band that Refused to Die sprang back to life.'
IT'S A SMALLS WORLD (Unreleased eight-track "super demo," c. 1978)
E1: 'Although never released - and probably with good reason - this solo work of Derek Smalls's, which arrived during the same period of "suspended animation" that gave birth to the [following] LP, must be noted here for completeness's sake. Derek's comments on the recording shed probably as much light as ever will be shed upon this darkest of dark Spinal Tap hours. Let's move on.'
NIGEL TUFNEL'S CLAM CARAVAN (Plutarch, 1979)
E1: 'After what is politely referred to in the industry as "Le debacle Megaphone," the band retreated to Nigel's castle in Scotland, reportedly to ponder their future and pursue solo projects, of which this was the only one to see the light of day. Tufnel himself has been famously reticent on this LP - at least until recently. As it turns out, his memory is not much more revealing than the mists of myth and rumor.'
E2: 'Ah, yes, the solo albums, product of Tap's banishment from Megaphone and their near-legendary sojourn in Nigel's Scottish castle. To be perfectly honest, the infelicitously mistitled CLAM CARAVAN (the label should've read "Calm") is right up there with such fish-out-of-water efforts as Bill Wyman's A STONE ALONE and Ross MacLochness's DOESN'T ANYBODY HERE SPEAK ENGLISH? Just as MacLochness's solo LP sprang from his experience of missionary work in Namibia, Nigel's exotic sound-trip to the North African desert seems to emerge from some dark, arid patch of his troubled psyche. If this is any indication of the sheer torpor of Tap's collective dark night of the soul, it's probably just as well that Derek's solo opus, IT'S A SMALLS WORLD, never saw the flourescent light of record stores. C-'
SHARK SANDWICH (Polymer, 1980)
E1: 'Without missing a beat (a rarity for them), Spinal Tap picked up a new drummer, Mick Shrimpton, from an ex-Eurovision Song Contest house band. Replacing Peter ("James") Bond (a victim of spontaneous onstage combustion during the "Isle of Lucy" Jazz & Blues Festival) with Mick, Tap signed a new contract with Polymer Records (a Polydor subsidiary), and released this LP, as well as their first new single in over four years.'
E2: 'Having languished a significant three years in the tomb-like limbo of contractual lawsuits and solo meanderings, Tap are luminously resurrected here with a new label, a new direction, and (natch) a new drummer. A joyously nihilistic "No Place Like Nowhere" and their late-disco hit "Throb Detector" lead the way. But the sheer suggestive brilliance of "Sex Farm" presages their eventual ascension into Heavy Metal Heaven. Who needs the self-serving "Wild Man" posturings of today's trendy Iron John set when we can hear Tap singing about real men swinging real pitchforks? You'd have to go clear back to Breughel for an equally heady brew of hardworking everyman earthiness and primal barnyard lust. We can almost see the steam rising off the cow chips on this one. A+'
"Sex Farm" (Polymer, 1980)
E1: 'Not nearly as controversial as the earlier "Big Bottom," standards of permissiveness having inevitably relented a bit, this still caused enough of a ripple to reestablish Tap among the more offensively obvious of heavy metal misogynist bands. And why not?'
SMELL THE GLOVE (Polymer, 1982)
E1: 'The album that relaunched Tap as an American touring-band phenomenon. Oddly, all their press material of this period referred to Smell as the band's seventeenth album, though even if you count the Smalls nonrelease, you still come up with only sixteen. Which has led some observers (not to mention record collectors) to scour their memories and not a few cutout bins in search of that missing seventeenth. In all, the fuss over that nearly buried the controversy about the suppressed "sexist" cover.'
SW: The 'missing seventeenth' is TAP DANCING.
E2: 'They may have come out of the depths, but their reminiscences of that tedious time still burn on in the thundering "Hell Hole." Yet the band seem curiously ambivalent: are they glad to be out of a place where "the rats are peeling," or are they even more nauseated by the high life they've regained, however briefly ("The sauna's drafty, the pool's too hot/The kitchen stinks of boiling snails")? You figure it out. As for the notoriously suppressed cover and lurid title track, gimme a break! Tap as misogynists? Smell this, buddy! B+'
SW: This has been the only mention of a title track for this LP; even the discography in the back of the 'Official Compendium' fails to mention this. A discography very similar to the one in that book appears on the semi-official SpinalTapFan.com, and does include the title track, but this was added after I pointed out its mention in the 1992 edition of "Inside."
HEAVY METAL MEMORIES
E1: 'Pictures of this album's cover exist - one can be glimpsed on the inner sleeve of TIST, in fact - but the record itself appears to be strangely nonexistent. Rumored to have been a compilation album of some of Tap's earlier "glories," it may have been released by Megaphone during the band's well-known recording hiatus. Or it may simply be a pirate recording. Unfortunately, even the members of ST don't quite remember the facts surrounding this elusive platter, now merely another page in rock history's palimpsest. So be it.'
SW: This is odd, especially given that the faux TV commercial for this was produced shortly before this book. Apparently someone didn't tell Occhiogrosso about that! (No mention is made at all in the second edition.) Anyway, the accepted info on this LP was that it was a 1983 release on Metalhouse records, containing all of Tap's classics.
THIS IS SPINAL TAP - THE SOUNDTRACK (Polymer, 1984)
E2: 'More of a greatest hits package - albeit with many of their later tunes given new live treatments - than a bold step forward. Still, the LP does have one unassailable advantage over most of the others reviewed here: IT'S STILL IN PRINT! A-'
SW: The 'new live treatments' statement is hard to decipher, given that these are studio recordings; but fans agree that the modern sound of some tracks such as "Big Bottom" show that they must be re-recordings, and not the versions originally heard on their source albums.
BREAK LIKE THE WIND (Dead Faith/MCA, 1992)
E2: 'Tap's first new LP in a decade presents both the ultimate enigma and the ultimate challenge to their credibility. Daringly interlarding hot new tracks in the band's reborn molten metal style ("Bitch School," "Cash on Delivery") with classic period pieces ("The Sun Never Sweats," "Clam Caravan," "All the Way Home"), BLTW offers a uniquely valuable panorama of the band's development. But it also begs the question, Have Tap Sold Out? Squeaky clean production values, all-star guest soloists like Jeff Beck, Steve Lukather, Dweezil Cappa, and Cher(!), flawless engineering, and socially relevant issues raging from ecology ("Stinking Up the Great Outdoors") to euthanasia ("Track 13") - are these the qualities we've come to expect from England's Loudest Band? The real payoff just may be "Rainy Day Sun," a deliriously psychedelic foreshadowing of Kinks/Small Faces/Beatles modalities that was the original B-side of "Flower People." The story is that the 1967 tune was yanked by the band after "I Am the Walrus" and "Itchycoo Park" came out, so as "not to cause confusion in the marketplace," and was never included on its debut LP. How fitting that Tap's one legitimate chance to be ahead of its time ended up as an obscure collector's item until 25 years after its time! Overall, I'm strongly ambivalent about this one, but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt; as with the previous LP, you can actually buy it in stores. A'
====================================
[In addition, the 1992 printing added an additional section containing reviews of five Tap bootlegs, as follows.]
AUDIBLE DEATH (Gaswind, 1969)
'Sounds like someone had a small cassette recorder in about the 50th row of the Electric Zoo the same day Silent But Deadly was recorded. Audio quality is zilch, and the constant sound of someone choking on what must have been incredible bad dope is distracting, but it's worth a shot, if only for the justly famous two-hour "Short and Sweet."'
LIVE AT BUDOKKAN (Japtap, 1975)
'In case you didn't get enough to feed your JAP HABIT, this Budokkan's for you. Stellar acoustics, although some overheated fan keeps screaming Bonzai! in the middle of Nigel's guitar solos. A mixed blessing, but more blessed than mixed.'
GOT THAMESMEN ON TAP (Merseybleat, ND)
'If our ears don't lie, this is historic stuff, with Ronnie Pudding and a pre-gardening accident "Stumpy" Pepys in top form. Early hits and a cool smattering of cover versions, purportedly taped in an underground club in Rotterdam. On the other hand, it may just be an incredible simulation, which pretty much amounts to the same thing.'
IT'S A DUB WORLD (Skaface, 1979?)
'The bass tracks only to Derek's never-released solo LP, somehow pirated from the studio where he was working at the time. Lets the imagination run wild.'
OPENFACED MAKO (Hammerhead, 1980)
'A collection of outtakes from the SHARK SANDWICH sessions, replete with some very revealing in-studio banter (near-fistfights would be more like it!). A real must, especially for the never-released, XXX-rated version of "Sex Farm." Naughty, naughty.'
====================================
Just a note about "Smell The Glove" being the seventeenth album... excluding the solo albums, and the retitled version of WAAFP, this is still possible - at least in terms of what the Tap mythos dictated by this point:
- Spinal Tap Sings "(Listen To The) Flower People" and Other Favorites (1967)
- We Are All Flower People (1968) / The Incredible Flight Of Icarus P. Anybody (1969)
- Silent But Deadly (1969)
- Brainhammer (1970)
- Nerve Damage (1971)
- Blood To Let (1972)
- Intravenus de Milo (1974)
- The Sun Never Sweats (1975)
- Jap Habit (1975)
- Bent For The Rent (1976)
- Tap Dancing (1976)
- Rock and Roll Creation (1977)
- Flak Packet (unreleased album not mentioned in IST, date unknown)
- Lusty Lorry (unreleased album not mentioned in IST, date unknown)
- Here's More Tap (unreleased album not mentioned in IST, date unknown)
- Shark Sandwich (1980)
- Smell The Glove (1982)
Confusingly, Tap claim on their Joe Franklin Show appearance that the "Spinal Tap" soundtrack, not "Smell The Glove", is their seventeenth album. This would leave the count as such:
- Spinal Tap Sings "(Listen To The) Flower People" and Other Favorites (1967)
- We Are All Flower People (1968) / The Incredible Flight Of Icarus P. Anybody (1969)
- Silent But Deadly (1969)
- Brainhammer (1970)
- Nerve Damage (1971)
- Blood To Let (1972)
- Intravenus de Milo (1974)
- The Sun Never Sweats (1975)
- Jap Habit (1975)
- Bent For The Rent (1976)
- Tap Dancing (1976)
- Rock and Roll Creation (1977)
- Nigel Tufnel's Clam Caravan (Nigel, 1979)
- Shark Sandwich (1980)
- Smell The Glove (1982)
- Heavy Metal Memories (1983)
- This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
Take your pick.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Spinal Tap's "Jap Habit" - a real album!!
Yes, you heard me correctly.
The rarest item produced in relation to "This Is Spinal Tap" was the band's supposed 1975 live album, "Jap Habit". Only a handful exist (intended only for select members of the cast and crew), but the recipients received both the UK and US variations described in the band's back story - and yes, the 'UK' package was just as legend described it, with three LP's, a paper kimono, and samples of tuna sushi.
I learned about this when contacting record collectors in and around the Pittsburgh area in search of the "Break Like The Wind" picture disc. One collector (no, their name will not be revealed here) loved Spinal Tap, and had built up an enormous collection of material related to the band - including a battered "Jap Habit" set, which he purchased for a very high amount from a friend whose father worked on "This Is Spinal Tap." I mentioned that, at the time, I was working on a discography of Tap's fictional back catalogue, and he said that he was willing to let me listen to both versions of the album and take notes, so long as I didn't record it in some way. I said that was fine.
A week or so later, my parents dropped me off at a small apartment not far from the South Side; thankfully, the treasure trove of Tap in front of me made it worthwhile, because his apartment was small, disgusting, and had a ridiculously strong pot smell no matter where you went. But, nitpicking aside, I was able to take notes. So without further ado, allow me to describe the contents of "Jap Habit".
First, the UK version. Housed in the black cardboard box (think something like the LP box of "All Things Must Pass" but a little thicker) were three genuine albums, as follows. And if you're wondering, no, the sushi samples were no longer intact. :-P (The package still reeked of them, though, so I'm guessing that it was years before the father got around to throwing them away.)
I wanted to be as thorough as possible, since this was a one-off opportunity, so I transcribed the banter as well. Enjoy!
SIDE ONE
Now, onto the "US version". This one had the same front and back covers as were pasted onto the UK box, but this time, the album had no goodies, and was housed in a simple gatefold sleeve.
SIDE ONE
I just can't stress enough how wonderful it would be to have an official CD release of this finally, especially if the guys don't plan on making a true follow-up to "Back From The Dead".
Time will tell, I suppose.
Incidentally, if any other 'back catalogue' albums are found to exist, please let me know! (I've heard rumblings about "Smell The Glove", but given the confusion between that and the soundtrack LP because of their similar covers, it's possible that someone was just mistaken.)
The rarest item produced in relation to "This Is Spinal Tap" was the band's supposed 1975 live album, "Jap Habit". Only a handful exist (intended only for select members of the cast and crew), but the recipients received both the UK and US variations described in the band's back story - and yes, the 'UK' package was just as legend described it, with three LP's, a paper kimono, and samples of tuna sushi.
I learned about this when contacting record collectors in and around the Pittsburgh area in search of the "Break Like The Wind" picture disc. One collector (no, their name will not be revealed here) loved Spinal Tap, and had built up an enormous collection of material related to the band - including a battered "Jap Habit" set, which he purchased for a very high amount from a friend whose father worked on "This Is Spinal Tap." I mentioned that, at the time, I was working on a discography of Tap's fictional back catalogue, and he said that he was willing to let me listen to both versions of the album and take notes, so long as I didn't record it in some way. I said that was fine.
A week or so later, my parents dropped me off at a small apartment not far from the South Side; thankfully, the treasure trove of Tap in front of me made it worthwhile, because his apartment was small, disgusting, and had a ridiculously strong pot smell no matter where you went. But, nitpicking aside, I was able to take notes. So without further ado, allow me to describe the contents of "Jap Habit".
First, the UK version. Housed in the black cardboard box (think something like the LP box of "All Things Must Pass" but a little thicker) were three genuine albums, as follows. And if you're wondering, no, the sushi samples were no longer intact. :-P (The package still reeked of them, though, so I'm guessing that it was years before the father got around to throwing them away.)
I wanted to be as thorough as possible, since this was a one-off opportunity, so I transcribed the banter as well. Enjoy!
SIDE ONE
- Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight
- David St. Hubbins: "We're going to kick things off with another little number from the album before this last one, called 'Intravenus De Morphine'..."
- Intravenus de Milo [yes, a song by this title!]
- Saliva Of The Fittest
- Swallow My Love
- David St. Hubbins: "Here's a tune for all the ladies in the house, so feel free to shower the stage with knickers and aphrodesiacs..."
- Big Bottom
- David St. Hubbins: "Let's take a bit of a nostalgia trip, shall we?"
- Gimme Some Money
- (Listen To The) Flower People
- Break Like The Wind
- David St. Hubbins: "Feel free to sing along with this one. It's called 'We Are All Flower People.'"
- We Are All Flower People
- The Incredible Flight Of Icarus P. Anybody
- Brainhammer
- Lie Back And Take It
- Nerve Damage
- Blood To Let
- David St. Hubbins: "Are you ready for another visit from the Goddess Intravenus?"
- Rock and Roll Nightmare [I'm assuming that this song was meant to be from 'Intravenus de Milo', though no official discography describes it as such.]
- Band Intros
- David St. Hubbins: "Anyone here want to help us stink up the Budokkan?"
- Nice 'N' Stinky
- Silent But Deadly
- David St. Hubbins: "We'd like to give you a taste of the album we're working on at the moment, so to get you jumping in anticipation, here's a little heavy duty rock 'n' roll featuring Mr. Nigel Tufnel, MBE on lead guitar..."
- Heavy Duty [featuring a lengthy Nigel solo]
- David St. Hubbins: "Nigel Tufnel, ladies and gentlemen!"
- David St. Hubbins: "This is a little suite of songs from our new album, called 'The Sun Never Sweats'.... it's an educational piece about Britannia. I hope you enjoy it."
- Daze Of Knights Of Old
- The Sun Never Sweats
- Devil Take The Hindmost
- Nocturnal Mission [an instrumental, with pounding drums - resembled something from a movie score]
- Stonehenge
- David St. Hubbins: "Thank you, Japan! Hope to see you again soon!"
- Rockin' Robin
- Short 'N' Sweet [long version, around 15 minutes]
- David St. Hubbins: "We love you all! Good night and may the Devil bless all of you!"
Now, onto the "US version". This one had the same front and back covers as were pasted onto the UK box, but this time, the album had no goodies, and was housed in a simple gatefold sleeve.
SIDE ONE
- Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight
- David: 'Intravenus de Morphine' banter
- Intravenus de Milo
- Swallow My Love
- Big Bottom
- David: 'nostalgia trip' banter
- (Listen To The) Flower People
- Break Like The Wind
- The Incredible Flight of Icarus P. Anybody
- Brainhammer
- Blood To Let
- David: 'Goddess Intravenus' banter
- Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare
- David: 'educational piece' banter
- Daze Of Knights Of Old
- The Sun Never Sweats
- Devil Take The Hindmost
- Nocturnal Mission
- Stonehenge [followed by 30 seconds of applause, rather than the farewell from the UK version]
- Band Intros
- David: 'stink up the Budokkan' banter [edited rather awkwardly onto the end of the band intros]
- Nice 'N' Stinky
- Heavy Duty
- Short 'N' Sweet [edited down to seven minutes]
- David: 'thank you Japan' banter [originally from UK side five - replaces the 'Devil blessing' that originally ended the album]
I just can't stress enough how wonderful it would be to have an official CD release of this finally, especially if the guys don't plan on making a true follow-up to "Back From The Dead".
Time will tell, I suppose.
Incidentally, if any other 'back catalogue' albums are found to exist, please let me know! (I've heard rumblings about "Smell The Glove", but given the confusion between that and the soundtrack LP because of their similar covers, it's possible that someone was just mistaken.)
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Rocky Horror game you never saw
Computer games, the couple that have been made on the subject, haven't been particularly kind to Rocky Horror. What version of Rocky the "Rocky Interactive Horror Show" was supposed to be based on, I have no idea. (The characters, and the castle, are VERY vague resemblances to those of the movie - and this was a game made with Richard O'Brien's involvement. I assume it was based on a stage version?) But, in 2000, I tried to make the situation even worse.
At the time, folks were still making variations of "ZZT", an INCREDIBLY cheap-looking DOS game that used ASCII characters for graphics - the protagonist being an ASCII smiley face. The game had a built-in 'world editor' that allowed you to design your own ZZT environments. I decided to create "The Rocky Horror ZZT Show". And God, was it terrible. (I could use the excuse that I was only thirteen and dumb, but I won't waste my time.)
Here are a few screen captures - you can click to enlarge them.
"Crappy" was a pretty decent description.
The foyer.... check out the size of that elevator. Walking into the grandfather clock took you into a couple pages of misinformation-filled text about the movie.
The ballroom. The "green door" text was a desperate attempt to get people to check out locations in the proper order of the movie - but honestly, I'm so thankful I didn't let other people see this back when I actually thought it was *good*. :-P
This drawing. The biggest insult to Frank ever made by a fan, ever.
The lab, accessed (of course) through the elevator. As you might've guessed, all the little smiley faces represent Transylvanians...
With complete disregard for proper chronology, viewing the monitor in the lab during what was meant to be Rocky's creation shows you wonderful artistic interpretations of the bedroom scenes.
Frank and Rocky's bedroom. Frank (the dark blue smiley) tells you to get out.
Skipping forward a little bit (everything takes about five minutes total to go through, as it really isn't much of a game), this is the Rocky/Janet reveal.
Dinner scene. To progress, you have to go visit Columbia. I apologize to Nell for what's coming.
Not only is THIS meant to be Columbia (yes, I considered putting a red dot in her shirt rip), but she talks like a cross between Nurse Ansalong (who appears elsewhere in the game, for no reason) and a four year old. Want me to make this even more painful? I was gonna have a mini game that you played on Columbia's Nintendo. It was called "Destroyer 2: The Destruction of Denton!" I couldn't get it to work properly.
Hell with "Planet Schmanet Janet" - here's "Walk Like An Egyptian"!
Statues. Obviously, Brad was hideously mangled before being Medusa'd. This is as far as I got.
There's a little bit more to see, but honestly.... you don't want to. You really, really don't want to. I mean, if I had the ability, I'd make a first person Rocky game where you could navigate a sweet 3D castle, but I can't. For now at least.
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