Saturday Night Live's 35th Anniversary - an educated guess

Though nothing has been said about it yet, something will inevitably happen in October or November of this year: Saturday Night Live's 35th Anniversary Special, following the 15th in 1989 and the 25th in 1999. Much has changed since the last special - Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri are no longer representatives of "current SNL", Jimmy Fallon went from featured player to cast member to alumni to talk show host, another former cast member passed away, the show began airing in HD, and the TV Funhouse segments disappeared in favor of the SNL Digital Shorts.

Since we still have a few months, I thought I would take this opportunity to make educated predictions about what exactly we'll be seeing in a 35th Anniversary Special...

* The show will be at LEAST three hours long, with a number of excessive commercial breaks
* Monologue by Tom Hanks again (he's done the previous two)
* Monologue and/or performance by Justin Timberlake, who either references "Dick In A Box" or sings a variation of "bring it on in to Omeletteville"
* SNL Digital Shorts montage, including (edited for prime time) "BLEEP In A Box", "Lazy Sunday", "MacGruber", and "BLEEP In My Pants"
* A handful of past hosts and musical guests introducing montages and kissing Lorne's ass for cheap applause, including Steve Martin, whose contributions to SNL are no longer considered relevant, having turned himself into nothing more than "that 'hamburger' guy"
* 70's montage including Mighty Mouse, The Wolverines, Mr. Bill, Cheeseburger, Land Shark, Judy Miller throwing herself into a door, Samurai Deli, and the same clip of Chevy calling Richard Pryor the n-word that's been in both previous specials and every single 'Best of the Classic Years' video
* Rehashed tributes to Gilda Radner and John Belushi
* Early 80's montage that skips the struggling seasons and focuses entirely on 1982-1985, with most clips featuring either Eddie Murphy or the 1984-85 cast (expect to see Synchronized Swimming, Christopher Guest saying "chocolate babies", Mr. Robinson saying "WHO IS IT?!", Buckwheat singing "Fee Tines A Mady", Fernando saying "you look marvelous", Ed Grimley excited over meeting Pat Sajak, possibly a brief clip of "I'm Gumby, dammit", and Tim Kazurinsky being hugged by a chimp)
* A shot of the audience in which Denny Dillon, Gail Matthius and Gilbert Gottfried are visible, just happy to be there and not at all surprised that none of their material has been shown
* Late 80's montage including the Master Thespian saying "acting", Lovitz telling Hartman he stinks, Dana singing about chopping broccoli, and no footage whatsoever of 1985-86
* Early 90's montage including Canteen Boy being groped by Alec Baldwin, Wayne and Garth meeting Madonna, some Operaman clips, Farley eating French fries and shouting at Spade
* Rehashed tributes to Phil Hartman and Chris Farley
* Late 90's montage including Mango, Mary Katherine Gallagher, the Cheerleaders, the Ambiguously Gay Duo, and, you guessed it, Schwetty Balls
* 2000's montage centering entirely around Kristen Wiig, except for a clip of The Barry Gibb Talk Show
* A title card that briefly mentions Charles Rocket's death, and no mention at all of the deaths of Danitra Vance and Michael O'Donoghue
* Sappy slow-motion tribute to the now-retired Don Pardo

That just about covers it. See you in October, suckers! :-P

Rest in peace, "Late Night"

It's 1:58 AM, and eighteen minutes ago, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" ended its sixteen season run. As a constant staple of my 'past my bedtime' viewing for the past decade, I can honestly say that it will be missed. Yes, Conan is just moving to "The Tonight Show" in June, but it just won't be the same as seeing Conan and the Max Weinberg Seven in that tiny New York studio each night after Jay Leno.

"The Tonight Show" is the big time - the one that people who don't want to stay up *too* late watch. So what will Conan have to leave behind? He already announced that the Masturbating Bear is being retired, which isn't a loss... but I somehow feel that the charm and spontaneity of "Late Night" is not going to make the trip to Burbank. "The Tonight Show" is too classy for its host to take a random audience member on a tour of the building, and steal snacks from the cafeteria for the rest of the audience. You won't see the host, during a writer's strike, take a cameraman through a crawlspace in the studio just to see what's in there, then let the audience dare him into eating a five year old sandwich. At least, I truly don't think you will.

I believe that, despite Conan being its second host, "Late Night" died tonight. Tuning in on March 2nd to see "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" is going to be like a longtime "Saturday Night Live" viewer watching the season premiere in November 1980. It's supposedly the same show that we know and love, but the familiar faces are gone, and the new ones are paltry replacements. Mark my words; everything that made "Late Night with Conan" a classic will be giggled and mugged away by Jimmy Fallon.

So until June, I'll be waiting anxiously for Conan to return to my TV screen, with hopes that he'll transplant everything that endeared his audience to him into "The Tonight Show"; but I can also assure that from now on, my TV will no longer be tuned to NBC at 12:35 AM. Without seeing a single episode of the new "Late Night," I already know it just won't be worth it.