Late night rambles #1

It's 2:01 AM, and I'm not particularly tired, and I don't particularly want to try and force myself to sleep, so I thought the best thing to do would be to just spew out whatever random thoughts might occur to me. :-)

* I'm listening to "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" for probably the 550th time in my life, this time because it happened to be on my iTunes... two things occurred to me. One, that this would make great music to accompany some sort of large-scale police bust of a psychopath in a movie; and two, that it's already been done. (I was momentarily unaware that I pretty much pictured the ending to the late Eighties "Silence Of The Lambs" prequel, "Manhunter." There's a big scene where the crazy guy roughs up a blind girl to the accompaniment of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" while the cops surround his house.)

* Anyone who hated Chumbawamba because of "Tubthumping" could potentially find more fodder for their hatred - they covered "The Chicken Dance." And I don't mean that I was on Limewire and found a mislabeled cover version claiming to be by Chumbawamba; I mean, they actually covered it. I don't know why. Of course, since they're English, it wasn't "The Chicken Dance," it was "The Birdy Song." Either way, I want to see a group of aging anarchists flap their arms and shimmy! Speaking of Chumbawamba... I wasn't aware until recently that, after their stint as 'one hit wonders' in America (I still hate calling them that, it's so cruel), they came back a couple years later and tried to have another go with "She's Got All The Friends That Money Can Buy," another song in the "Tubthumping"/"Amnesia" mold. It did nothing. It was the equivalent of Tag Team's "U Go Girl" - same formula, unimpressed audience. (In the opinion of this particular Chumbawamba obsessive, its source album, "WYSIWYG," wasn't that great to begin with. It's cliche to say it, especially in the US, but "Tubthumper" did just happen to be one of their best albums.)

* I've heard it said that you have to be gay to appreciate Abba. If you think that, fuck you. You know why? "Take A Chance On Me." Great song. Besides, Anna-Frid (the brunette) was hot. I know, most people like Agnetha, the blonde; but Anna-Frid has that classic Seventies hot English girl look. Which is odd, because she's Swedish. Come to think of it, the brunette in Ace Of Base was pretty good looking too. What ever happened to Ace Of Base anyway? I mean, I couldn't stomach most of their songs, but still... they fell off the American map pretty fast. They did have one song that I really do like, though - "The Juvenile", originally written as "The Goldeneye." (Guess which movie it was written for! Didja didja?!) Buuut, it was on an album that came out long after "The Sign" did, so no one heard it.

* Are film companies stupid? I mean, seriously... they're supposedly deadset against movie piracy, obviously equating piracy with some guy sneaking a Digicam into a theater. However, they also distribute screener DVD's, with brand new films in crystal clear quality. It's unreasonable to think that not *one* of these screeners will fall into the hands of an everyman with access to either P2P or BitTorrent. They do. Sure, I mean, they've tried copy-protected screeners (I believe one of the recent Bonds came on a self-destructing disc... "Die Another Day", I believe?), but that seems to be very rare. Just a thought... I just don't understand how the entertainment industry works sometimes. Like, for example, Weird Al's "Straight Outta Lynwood." Hell was raised because his previous album "Poodle Hat" leaked a couple days in advance by some hooligans, but then "SOL" came out as a promo at LEAST a month before the commercial release. Most of us at weirdalforum at it long before it hit stores. (Don't get uppity at me, I bought the damn thing the day it came out, too.) My point of this whole long paragraph? STOP PROMO COPIES! YOU'LL PREVENT LEAKS! That applies to both the movie and music industries! If you don't put it out half a year in advance, no one can steal it!

* That's right, I never finished reviewing the Jay and Silent Bob series... I should, I'm long done with them. I dunno when I'll get around to it, but I'll say this - "Clerks II" really stands up well on its own, or just as a sequel to one film; but when you watch the Askewniverse series in order, it's such a huge anticlimactic ending. But I really enjoy it on its own. Kind of like "Smile" within the rest of the Beach Boys canon... on its own, it's a masterpiece. But in between the rest of their albums, it sticks out like a sore thumb.

* Why do people associate the Bee Gees with "Stayin' Alive" and ONLY "Stayin' Alive"? That always bugged the crap out of me. I mean, as a group and as solo artists, they've churned out fifty albums, and have composed over a thousand songs... and people only remember them for a song in a raunchy movie that wasn't even on any of their albums?! It also bugs the crap out of me that they're only remembered as "that disco group", when their disco period was short lived. (All of their truly 'disco' output falls between 1975 and 1979. Not a big chunk of a career that lasted from 1958 to what, 2001?)

* For "Doctor Who" fans... did you ever notice how all the best black and white stories are the ones that were burnt? I'm not being snide or anything, I'm serious - look at the missing Patrick Troughton stories alone. "The Macra Terror," "The Faceless Ones," "The Power Of The Daleks," and the repeatedly-mentioned "Fury From The Deep" are all missing. And all are absolutely awesome, if reconstructions tell us anything. (Which, given the accuracy of Loose Cannon's output, they should.) But look at the Troughton stories that still exist - "The Dominators," "The Ice Warriors" (okay, so it's kind of missing), "The Krotons"... weird, trippy garbage. "The Krotons" is like the Doctor Who story they wrote on acid. Even William Hartnell, who has more surviving episodes, is without his supposed best stories - "The Daleks' Master Plan" for instance. A twelve (or thirteen, depending on what you count) episode epic that was pure awesomeness. I mean, what other story ended with characters running through a forest, aging to death?! We might never see that scene in moving form. Thanks a lot, the BBC's Pamela Nash.

* Did anyone actually *own* a Sega CD? I know one person that actually did, but it seems to have been extremely unpopular. Shame... I mean, it did have "Sonic CD" for it... which, admittedly, I haven't played much of, but come on, it has the "Sonic Boom" song!

Okay, my laptop battery is running out... I should go. :-)

Reviewing the Askewniverse (part 4 of 7)

Alright, here we go again; while I haven't had time to review everything, I have continued my trek through the lives of Jay and Bob, so I'll be posting multiple reviews in the coming days. For this one, I had to jump back a little bit, and pick up from where my previous review left off...


For my next stop through the wonderful world of Kevin Smith, I revisited what will undoubtedly remain the most controversial film of his career: "Dogma," a religious satire that not only led to protest groups (one of which was attended by a not particularly incognito Kevin Smith), but also an avalanche of hate mail directed to the View Askew offices. Was it worth all that? Well... it is a movie with a rubber poop monster.

Personally, "Dogma" isn't one of my favorite Askew movies; not because I find its messages to be offensive (in fact, I agree with pretty much everything it has to say), but because I think this film marked the beginning of the Askewniverse's downward slide into juvenile humor that snowballed (no pun intended) throughout the "Clerks" cartoon and climaxed with "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back." Fortunately, however, the juvenile humor such as the aforementioned poop monster is actually nicely balanced by a hearty dose of very intelligent humor - so intelligent, in fact, that the film may actually require two or three viewings before its elaborate religious explanations are fully comprehended. More than anything, it is safe to say that Kevin obviously did his homework, providing an understandably controversial yet perfectly reasonable view of Christianity. For example, take the story of Jesus's unspoken siblings. Smith offers us the very plausible theory that Jesus could very well have had siblings, because Mary and Joseph were married - and though Mary was a virgin at the time of Christ's conception, it would be silly to think that a marriage would go on to span entire decades without procreation. More close-minded viewers would surely dismiss that theory because it hasn't been spoken by the Church; but for those daring enough to dive below the rose-tinted surface of religious education, it is certainly worth pondering.

In terms of actors, "Dogma" expands the View Askew family with several notable names - primarly, the brilliant Alan Rickman, Chris Rock, and Salma Hayek. (While I regrettably haven't seen Alan in another film, his strong performance in this film has certainly inspired me to look deeper into his career. From what I've heard, I understand that "Die Hard" should be my next stop?) Another welcome addition, and one that has since made a return appearance in Kevin's work (appearing as a teacher in "Jersey Girl"), was the briefly-seen but nonetheless surprising Betty Aberlin. Being a Pittsburgh native, seeing Betty outside of her usual environment of the Neighborhood of Make Believe is always humorous, because my lifetime of watching the Cardigan Sweatered One has conditioned me to view the former Lady Aberlin a bit narrow-mindedly; but her two appearances so far have been pleasant, so I hope she comes back in the future. (Besides, where else can you see the characteristically mellow Betty as a drunken nun?!) Last but not least, "Dogma" marked the Askewniverse debut of controversial recording star and "You Can't Do That On Television" cast alumnus, Alanis Morissette. Nowadays, the preferred theatrical depiction of God seems to be that of Morgan Freeman, whose commanding presence was the centerpiece of both "Bruce Almighty" and its sequel; but the Alanis version still remains a hilarious alternative. Certainly everyone would love to be greeted in the afterlife by a silent pixie that randomly stands on her head, right? :-)

Praise aside, however, I have to turn this review ugly for a moment, and critique the performance of Linda Fiorentino. Not only did Fiorentino prove to be a bruise on the back of the production, choosing to quarrel with Kevin over his methods, her performance lacks so much of the energy that the film required. The best way I can describe it is like this - while the rest of the lively characters like Jay and Silent Bob are enthusiastically caught up in the midst of an outrageous, fast-paced comedy, Linda always seems supremely disinterested in her surroundings, and has the behavior and appearance of someone desperately in need of sleep. (Want me to take this further? Okay - while appearing in the film, Jason Mewes was still in the middle of his decade-long narcotic addiction; and during filming, repeatedly fell asleep. However, even he was able to convey an incredibly stronger performance than Linda.) While I hate to just flat out demolish an actor's performance, I just can't stress how miscast the character of Bethany was. During Janeane Garofalo's brief appearance at the start of the film, one can't help but think how much better Janeane would have been in Linda's role. Janeane's real-life personality perfectly embodies what Bethany was meant to represent, so I truly think that this was an major missed opportunity on Kevin's part.

Before wrapping up, I would like to say that, besides touching on a number of my own religious views, "Dogma" has a deeper personal significance for me - despite being set in Wisconsin and New Jersey, the film was actually shot in Pittsburgh. I still get a smile upon entering the downtown area and seeing the Mooby's headquarters - in actuality, the USX Steel Building. (The interior of the building was not the Steel Building, however - Matt Damon's massacre actually occurred somewhere at Carnegie-Mellon University.) The extravagant restaurant that the Metatron whisks the cast to later on in the film is the Grand Concourse, a train station-turned-restaurant located at Station Square; and the Wisconsin airport where Betty Aberlin makes her cameo is in fact the Pittsburgh International Airport. While I'm not aware of the exact locations, Cardinal Glick's church and the Mooby's restaurant were also located in the Pittsburgh area. I've been told that a CVS Pharmacy currently stands on the former site of Mooby's.

To wrap up, I'm actually a bit undecided about how exactly I feel about "Dogma." It has its ups and downs; and while the downs are strong enough to cause irreparable harm to the movie, it still manages to be entertaining and very well-written. While it's not a movie that everyone could stomach (as was proven in graphic detail at the time of its release), those with an open mind will find a lot to admire about "Dogma," because it gives viewers with more controversial opinions the privilege of being able to connect with a movie that not only unashamedly breaks free of religious norms, but also offers an understanding hand to those who may have been looked down upon for their supposedly abnormal beliefs. On the other hand though, anyone who doesn't want to think that deeply about a comedic film can always sit back and laugh at a movie about Jay and Silent Bob saving the world.

Reviewing the Askewniverse (part 3 of 7)

In the last edition, I mentioned that in 1995 when "Mallrats" was released, View Askew was only *working towards* perfection. In 1997, though some would disagree, I believe that they achieved it with the emotional roller coaster known as "Chasing Amy."


Out of the six movies in the Askewniverse series (this being the one film that doesn't comfortably fit the banner of 'the Jay and Silent Bob movies'), "Amy" is noteworthy for being the only entry that isn't a straight comedy; rather, it starts as a romantic comedy, and takes a complete turn into drama. Like its five counterparts, though, it's not a film for everyone - but this time, its somewhat limited appeal lies in the fact that it's probably the most sexually intense film ever made that does not actually include a sex scene. In typical Smith fashion, the substance is all in the dialogue. While other directors would have shown the graphic events of Alyssa's sexual past (as the Japanese manga adaptation apparently did, to Joey Lauren Adams' disgust), we only hear about them, in frank, realistic language that most wide-release movies would avoid. In fact, one did - "Mallrats," which was released by Universal Pictures, originally included a scene very similar to the moment in which Alyssa and Banky discuss their oral sex misadventures; but Universal insisted that the scene be removed.

At this point, Kevin's writing ability has become almost an artform; conversations are completely natural, arguments are wrenchingly realistic, and tearjerker moments (such as Ben Affleck's famed speech in the car) inflict the exact emotions that they're intended to. The only real fault of the film, though it doesn't actually cause as much harm to the story as people have claimed, lies in its major turning point - a supposed hardcore lesbian shifts her preference after a night of sex with Holden. Unbelievable, yes, but I actually don't find it as incredibly unbelievable as many people claim - despite the controversy, Alyssa does not just magically become straight, as it is made especially clear that she is a bisexual. Well, bisexual and then some - for those seeking to add more unique Smith terms to their daily lexicon, this movie did for the term 'fingercuffs' what "Clerks" did for 'snowball.'

Interestingly, despite the core cast of Affleck, Adams, and Lee appearing together in the core cast of the previous film, they manage to completely trick the viewer into forgetting that Shannon, Gwen and Brodie ever existed. While this is obviously very much in the same world as "Mallrats" (Banky slept with Brandi Svenning, for instance), these three obviously talented actors don't even show a glimpse of their previous personas. Jason Lee in particular should be commended, as it would have been *extremely* easy to get hooked into Brodie and Banky's equal appreciation for comic books and thus play the same character this time around; but other than that, the two have nothing in common in terms of personality. Jason's performance is actually a highlight of the high-drama confrontation between Banky, Alyssa and Holden towards the end - he is meant to be portraying someone who we are led to believe could be struggling with his sexuality (and, indeed, his homosexuality was to be revealed in a scene cut from "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"), and his angst is clearly transmitted to the viewer. This scene is in fact one of the reasons I am so willing to call the film an emotional roller coaster, because by this point, we have been grasped by the characters on so many occasions that we can feel what they feel. We can understand Holden's logic in his outlandish idea, yet we can also understand exactly why Alyssa is opposed. That is a level of viewer indulgence that a lot of dramatic films simply do not offer.

All that said, there was only one aspect of the movie that I personally did not care for - Jay and Bob. While their very brief appearance served its purpose (with Kevin stealing the movie via his legendary speech that explained the film's title), it seemed rather awkwardly placed and much too lighthearted after the intense scene at the hockey rink. While it's true that their appearances are characteristically tenuous (I refer you to my review of "Clerks"), this one just seemed totally unnecessary, and left me wondering why the 'chasing Amy' speech couldn't have been reassigned to, for instance, Banky.

To wrap up, there is no doubt in my mind that "Chasing Amy" deserves the accolades it has received. It is Kevin Smith at his most mature, offering a funny, heartfelt, emotional, and brutally honest love story that fearlessly breaks the chains of cliched Hollywood romance in favor of a gripping story that is not afraid to crush the viewer's heart or deliver them a slap in the face. This is also a unique movie to be cherished, because none of Kevin's later films to date have ever dared blend comedy with such high drama. I can only hope that we will be given the opportunity to see this side of his abilities again.

Reviewing the Askewniverse (part 2 of 7)

Directly after "Clerks," I decided to move right into its higher budget followup, "Mallrats." This time around, we're in color and on location; but those aren't the only reasons why "Mallrats" was a landmark movie for Kevin Smith. This movie also introduced cornerstone members of what would become the recurring View Askew family - Ben Affleck, Joey Lauren Adams, and Jason Lee; and on top of that, those two wall-leaning slackers from "Clerks" were now refined into their more familiar personalities.

At the time of its original release, "Mallrats" was a theatrical failure, bringing in very little money during its very brief silver screen life. However, as Kevin started to develop his notorious cult following (the same cult following that currently hounds their hero's online forum on a minute-by-minute basis), the film was given a second chance. Nowadays, people who see "Mallrats" seem strongly divided between loving it and hating it, because it certainly isn't a movie for everyone; it's a comedy that mainly offers exactly what the title promises - a couple twenty-somethings who wander aimlessly through a mall and talk at length about trivial topics such as whether or not Mrs. Fields is considered part of the food court. Personally. I sympathize with the "loving it" group, because circa May of 2008, seeing "Mallrats" on the bus coming home from a school field trip singlehandedly spawned my huge fascination with Kevin's work that obviously continues to this day.

While the movie seems slightly dated by today's standards (it's increasingly difficult to sympathize with a character who gave up his relationship in favor of Sega Genesis), it still manages to seem fresh and identifiable. I'm sure someone watching still knows how it feels to have a friend obsessed with Spiderman, or an ex-girlfriend they just can't let go, or a girlfriend's parent that absolutely despises their existence. Besides that, it's still extremely quotable - hell, you can get Jason Lee's quote about the kid on the escalator on a bumper sticker now. More than anything though, the jokes are still funny, and on the whole, the movie still manages to be entertaining throughout. Well, if not just a tad gratuitous... but on the other hand, throwing in something like a topless fortune teller fits right into the cinema sensibility of the Nineties, doesn't it? :-)

But the fact that it *is* entertaining enough to maintain a loyal fan base all these years later gives it enough worth to sit at a proverbial table alongside Kevin's more successful films. Sure, it's not a perfect movie, but it greatly defined the style that Kevin prefers. A viewing of one of the "Evening With Kevin Smith" films will reveal that this is the style he feels he excels at - a movie where people hang around and talk. Some people might shy away from a movie described as being like that, because it could turn out to be boring; but those that are willing to give his movies a chance usually aren't disappointed. His characters, in this case T.S. and Brodie, are interesting people that we enjoy seeing, because for some of us, they are just like real people. We actually *have* conversations about trivial bullshit like the cookie store at the mall, so we know exactly how they feel. This sense of realism is, I believe, why Kevin excels so often. He injects his movies with just the right amount of realism; some directors, like Judd Apatow, don't have a handle on this, and their productions (like Judd's "Freaks and Geeks" series for example) become SO realistic that they're uncomfortable to watch. Kevin wisely avoids this issue.

Of course though, it's silly to look too deeply into a light comedy, so I should bring this to a close; but before I do, I want to mention Michael Rooker's performance as Brandi's dad - because he's meant to be a miserable son of a bitch, and he PERFECTLY captures what it takes to come off as a miserable son of a bitch. It's just a shame that this character never made a reappearance. (Unless, of course, you count his two second long, silhouetted cameo in "Chasing Amy.")

So all in all, "Mallrats" is rough around the edges, but it's a funny movie that deserves at least one viewing by someone interested in Kevin's work, or at the least, someone who likes Jay and Bob. The Askewniverse series had yet to peak, and although "Mallrats" has its flaws, this is a significant enough step on the way to perfection.

Reviewing the Askewniverse (part 1 of 7)

Today, whilst trying to stay awake as I piece together my 3D Design project, I decided to revisit a couple old friends - Jay and Silent Bob.

While I originally intended to pass a couple hours with a repeat viewing of "Clerks," I thought it would be better to make my way through the whole series once more, and write a review after each stop. This'll be a seven part series... one for each movie, and then a final one (or two, if I decide I can't pile in everything at once) covering the odds and ends such as the cartoon series and the shorts. But, I have a lot of ground to cover, so let's get this underway...


First off, "Clerks" - Kevin Smith's first feature film, from 1994. Though not my favorite of the View Askewniverse series, this film should be a big inspiration for anyone (like myself) working on a low budget independent movie. Although it managed to look surprisingly professional in the end, "Clerks" was strictly a product of the environment it depicts. Kevin Smith actually did work at the Quick Stop, and decided to base his first full-length project around the occupation he knew best. The production was paid for out of his own pocket, which meant he had to go for a cheaper, black and white film stock. This amateur look certainly doesn't do anything to downgrade the visual appearance of the movie; in fact, it fits the setting perfectly. Imagine "Clerks" as a sleek, shiny, full color Hollywood movie (and I don't mean "Clerks 2", that was a whole different entity altogether), and it just doesn't realistically put across the appearance of a small, dingy convenience store. This movie is what nature intended it to be - dark, black and white, and grainy.

As for the acting, the faults of the cast are understandable given the miniscule scale of the production; but at some points, these faults actually become a little distracting. I almost hate to say this, because he was completely inexperienced and basically playing a scripted version of himself, but the weakest link seems to be Jason Mewes - his crucial speech at the end of the movie is marred by a slip-up and a character break. But thankfully, this movie proved to be Jason's only weak performance in a Smith film, as his ability improved quite a bit by "Mallrats." Jay aside, I find Marilyn Ghigliotti (Veronica) rather stilted, with numerous awkward pauses throughout her first scenes. Unfortunately, I haven't seen her in anything else, so I can't comment on whether or not she improved. The acting isn't all bad, however; Jeff Anderson and Brian O'Halloran fall instantly into the characters of Randal and Dante, and have no trouble carrying the movie on their shoulders.

Incidentally, the fact that this was the first appearance of Jay and Silent Bob is interesting, because unlike later movies (such as the aforementioned "Mallrats", where they began their mainstay as Kevin's most important recurring faces), they have almost no purpose whatsoever until the very end. Here, they mainly serve as a reason to cut away from the monotony of the Quick Stop interior; and aren't yet the Jay and Bob we would later grow to love. At this stage, Jay isn't particularly likeable, being overly crass and sarcastic; and Silent Bob is just... there. From what I understand, the changes in their personalities (particularly on Jason's part) in "Mallrats" were due to the fact that the company did not want such unpleasant, drug peddling characters in a big budget movie; and though this was their idea and not necessarily Kevin's, I think it was for the better. I doubt the rougher-edges versions seen in "Clerks" would have become the legendary characters that the revised versions became.

Overall, I think "Clerks" was a great start for Kevin, and a groundbreaking independent movie - every indie filmmaker dreams of making a smash hit and spawning a highly popular series, but Kevin was one of the few to actually accomplish that. Personally, it's not my favorite of his films, as I find it a little dull and slow-moving, but it still holds up as an interesting and very intelligently written movie fourteen years later.