For RHPS fans - Magenta wallpaper!

This is an idea I've had floating around in my head for a while, and over the last day or so put together on the PC. I decided to pay tribute to everyone's favorite domestic by creating a homemade wallpaper to share with my fellow RHPS fans. :-)

You can get it here....
http://steveworek.deviantart.com/art/Love-Magenta-104422404

Click "Download" on the left side to view the entire 1400x900 image. It's formatted for widescreen monitors, but I'll gladly take requests for a standard-screen version. Comments are appreciated!

Reviewing the Askewniverse (part 4 of 7)

Alright, here we go again; while I haven't had time to review everything, I have continued my trek through the lives of Jay and Bob, so I'll be posting multiple reviews in the coming days. For this one, I had to jump back a little bit, and pick up from where my previous review left off...


For my next stop through the wonderful world of Kevin Smith, I revisited what will undoubtedly remain the most controversial film of his career: "Dogma," a religious satire that not only led to protest groups (one of which was attended by a not particularly incognito Kevin Smith), but also an avalanche of hate mail directed to the View Askew offices. Was it worth all that? Well... it is a movie with a rubber poop monster.

Personally, "Dogma" isn't one of my favorite Askew movies; not because I find its messages to be offensive (in fact, I agree with pretty much everything it has to say), but because I think this film marked the beginning of the Askewniverse's downward slide into juvenile humor that snowballed (no pun intended) throughout the "Clerks" cartoon and climaxed with "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back." Fortunately, however, the juvenile humor such as the aforementioned poop monster is actually nicely balanced by a hearty dose of very intelligent humor - so intelligent, in fact, that the film may actually require two or three viewings before its elaborate religious explanations are fully comprehended. More than anything, it is safe to say that Kevin obviously did his homework, providing an understandably controversial yet perfectly reasonable view of Christianity. For example, take the story of Jesus's unspoken siblings. Smith offers us the very plausible theory that Jesus could very well have had siblings, because Mary and Joseph were married - and though Mary was a virgin at the time of Christ's conception, it would be silly to think that a marriage would go on to span entire decades without procreation. More close-minded viewers would surely dismiss that theory because it hasn't been spoken by the Church; but for those daring enough to dive below the rose-tinted surface of religious education, it is certainly worth pondering.

In terms of actors, "Dogma" expands the View Askew family with several notable names - primarly, the brilliant Alan Rickman, Chris Rock, and Salma Hayek. (While I regrettably haven't seen Alan in another film, his strong performance in this film has certainly inspired me to look deeper into his career. From what I've heard, I understand that "Die Hard" should be my next stop?) Another welcome addition, and one that has since made a return appearance in Kevin's work (appearing as a teacher in "Jersey Girl"), was the briefly-seen but nonetheless surprising Betty Aberlin. Being a Pittsburgh native, seeing Betty outside of her usual environment of the Neighborhood of Make Believe is always humorous, because my lifetime of watching the Cardigan Sweatered One has conditioned me to view the former Lady Aberlin a bit narrow-mindedly; but her two appearances so far have been pleasant, so I hope she comes back in the future. (Besides, where else can you see the characteristically mellow Betty as a drunken nun?!) Last but not least, "Dogma" marked the Askewniverse debut of controversial recording star and "You Can't Do That On Television" cast alumnus, Alanis Morissette. Nowadays, the preferred theatrical depiction of God seems to be that of Morgan Freeman, whose commanding presence was the centerpiece of both "Bruce Almighty" and its sequel; but the Alanis version still remains a hilarious alternative. Certainly everyone would love to be greeted in the afterlife by a silent pixie that randomly stands on her head, right? :-)

Praise aside, however, I have to turn this review ugly for a moment, and critique the performance of Linda Fiorentino. Not only did Fiorentino prove to be a bruise on the back of the production, choosing to quarrel with Kevin over his methods, her performance lacks so much of the energy that the film required. The best way I can describe it is like this - while the rest of the lively characters like Jay and Silent Bob are enthusiastically caught up in the midst of an outrageous, fast-paced comedy, Linda always seems supremely disinterested in her surroundings, and has the behavior and appearance of someone desperately in need of sleep. (Want me to take this further? Okay - while appearing in the film, Jason Mewes was still in the middle of his decade-long narcotic addiction; and during filming, repeatedly fell asleep. However, even he was able to convey an incredibly stronger performance than Linda.) While I hate to just flat out demolish an actor's performance, I just can't stress how miscast the character of Bethany was. During Janeane Garofalo's brief appearance at the start of the film, one can't help but think how much better Janeane would have been in Linda's role. Janeane's real-life personality perfectly embodies what Bethany was meant to represent, so I truly think that this was an major missed opportunity on Kevin's part.

Before wrapping up, I would like to say that, besides touching on a number of my own religious views, "Dogma" has a deeper personal significance for me - despite being set in Wisconsin and New Jersey, the film was actually shot in Pittsburgh. I still get a smile upon entering the downtown area and seeing the Mooby's headquarters - in actuality, the USX Steel Building. (The interior of the building was not the Steel Building, however - Matt Damon's massacre actually occurred somewhere at Carnegie-Mellon University.) The extravagant restaurant that the Metatron whisks the cast to later on in the film is the Grand Concourse, a train station-turned-restaurant located at Station Square; and the Wisconsin airport where Betty Aberlin makes her cameo is in fact the Pittsburgh International Airport. While I'm not aware of the exact locations, Cardinal Glick's church and the Mooby's restaurant were also located in the Pittsburgh area. I've been told that a CVS Pharmacy currently stands on the former site of Mooby's.

To wrap up, I'm actually a bit undecided about how exactly I feel about "Dogma." It has its ups and downs; and while the downs are strong enough to cause irreparable harm to the movie, it still manages to be entertaining and very well-written. While it's not a movie that everyone could stomach (as was proven in graphic detail at the time of its release), those with an open mind will find a lot to admire about "Dogma," because it gives viewers with more controversial opinions the privilege of being able to connect with a movie that not only unashamedly breaks free of religious norms, but also offers an understanding hand to those who may have been looked down upon for their supposedly abnormal beliefs. On the other hand though, anyone who doesn't want to think that deeply about a comedic film can always sit back and laugh at a movie about Jay and Silent Bob saving the world.

I tried to write a Scooby Doo movie?!

I just found this on my external hard drive... apparently during the period of my ashamedly strong appreciation for the two "Scooby Doo" movies, I tried to write one myself. I only wrote one scene, which I haven't taken the time to read through before posting this, so... if it's terrible, don't blame me for stuff I did years ago. :-P

(Oh, and mind the odd formatting - that was the result of copying something from MS Word onto Blogger!)

======================================

PRE-TITLE SEQUENCE:

THE UPPER COOLSVILLE MALL, EVENING

From blackness, the screen fills with gleaming moonlight. The camera pans down from it, through a mass of stars and dim shades of blue. Thunder and lightning cracks...several deafening, quick bolts of lightning form a diamond WB logo. Leaving the sky, we pan down into a very high shot of a smoky city, late into the evening. Skyscrapers and lights stretch out as far as the eye can see. The camera moves further and further down through the sky, with fog first forming the title, then the credits, while music builds. It floats down and down until it rests in the endless, empty parking lot of an enormous shopping mall. Fast typewriter clicks track a caption as it moves across the screen:

THE LOCATION: THE UPPER COOLSVILLE MALL.

The camera leaves the caption behind as it drifts towards the magnificent glass entrance, which has yellow police tape stretched across it. The camera tears through the tape, and the doors slide to either side. The music suddenly quiets to a low, eerie tone. We are now inside the mall - the main body of the mall is dark and threatening, but each individual store is brightly lit with surreal, neon lights. Another typewritten caption darts across the screen.

THE TIME: 10:30 P.M.

As eerie music builds, a faint jingling noise echoes across the large, open area. A final caption appears.

THE CASE: THE MYSTERY OF THE GHOSTLY MONEY GRABBER.

We drift up the defunct escalators, and float around the second floor catwalk. The jingling noise gets closer... We pass empty store after empty store, several of which have police barriers in front of their entrances. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the jingling noise is right behind the camera. We swing around... it's Scooby-Doo! The eerie music suddenly changes to a happy, orchestral rendition of the familiar "Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?" melody. He stands on all fours, darting his glance back and forth, and he's panting heavily. From a distant spot in the mall comes a familiar shout.

SHAGGY (Matthew Lillard)

Scooby-Doo! Where are you?!

SCOOBY (voice of Neil Fanning)

Ri'm right rheeerrre!

CUT TO: Shaggy, semi-closeup, yelling to the upper floor with his hands around cupped around his mouth.

SHAGGY
Like, we gotta find the other guys! I keep seeing weird stuff zippin' around here, man!

CUT TO: Scooby, who salutes him.

SCOOBY
Ri rhear rou roud and crear!

He looks determined as he sniffs quickly in all directions, then takes off running.

CUT TO: Shaggy, who suspiciously watches Scooby run across the upper level. Suddenly, a black shadow passes him with a "WHOOSH!" He's startled, and starts to back off - falling right over the railing into a large pond in the center of the mall. He attempts to surface, but struggles.

SHAGGY
Tell them, like now there's a monster after me!

CUT TO: Scooby, who's huffing and puffing as he bolts along the catwalk.

SCOOBY
Ron't rorry, Raggy! Ri'm ron their trail!

CUT TO: Shaggy in the fountain.

SHAGGY
And it was big, and black, and scary!

CUT TO: Scooby, still running.

SCOOBY
Rall right, ri'm ralmost there!

CUT TO: Shaggy in the fountain.

SHAGGY
And it like totally made this creepy "whoosh" sound!

CUT TO: Scooby, who skids to a halt. He looks angry.

SCOOBY
Ri raid, Ri'm ralmost there!

He takes off again.

CUT TO: Shaggy, who's splashing around more than usual.

SHAGGY
Like thanks, Scoob! And tell them to find me a rope or something!

Something taps him on the shoulder three times with a "tink, tink, tink" sound, then holds a rope in front of his face.

SHAGGY [suddenly calm]

Hey, thanks man!

Shaggy turns around, and his calm expression turns to extreme fright.

SHAGGY
Like, catch you later man, I'm going window shopping!

Shaggy leaps into the air, and darts off with to the accompaniment of the classic Scooby cartoon running sound: "Bappita-bappita-bappita-ZOOM!"

CUT TO: The interior of a small, brightly lit, pink clothing store with police barricades blocking the entrance. Round, stocked clothing racks are scattered throughout, and along one wall is a row of tall mirrors. In front of them, Daphne stares at herself curiously, holding against herself a neon purple skirt on a hanger. The clothes on a circular rack start to swing back and forth. A hand from within pushes the clothes aside, and a woman with black glasses and dark, shoulder-length hair crawls out.

VELMA (Linda Cardellini) [enthusiastically]
Daphne, look! I think I... [suddenly low, monotone] what are you doing?

Daphne doesn't take her eyes from the mirror, as she begins to pose with the skirt.

DAPHNE (Sarah Michelle Gellar)
Can you believe this? It's thirty percent off! I'm sorry, what?

Velma rolls her eyes.

VELMA
I think I found a clue, if you'd be so willing to...Daphne?

DAPHNE

Well, it's not a ring, but it's fuzzy...

Scooby skids to a halt in front of the store.

SCOOBY
Raphne! Relma! Rhere's a ronster rin rheere!

The two girls run to his aid; Daphne tightly clutches the skirt.

DAPHNE
A monster?

SCOOBY
Reah! Raggy raid ri'ts rig...

He makes a "this big" gesture with his arms, and growls.

SCOOBY
Rand ri'ts brack and srary!

He runs off, throws a black dress over himself, then jumps to his hind legs in front of the girls, and growls loudly with his claws pointed at them.

Shaggy slips and slides to a halt in front of the store - he's out of breath, and soaked, making a "squish" sound with every movement.

SHAGGY

There's like a monster after me!! It's big...

He makes a "this big" gesture with his arms, and growls.

SHAGGY
And it's black and scary!

He looks ready to do something, but looks around for a second, and sees Scooby in the dress.

SHAGGY
Take my word for it.

VELMA

I think this calls for a huddle! Where's Fred?

DAPHNE

Oh, he decided that in honor of our anniversary, he'd try to find me a nice present. [smiling] That was so sweet of him, wasn't it?

They don't notice a huge, black monster slowly rising over the railing behind Shaggy.

VELMA
Typical, just typical. Scooby and Shaggy - are you two brave enough to look for Fred?

Shaggy looks her right in the eyes with a mortified stare.

SHAGGY
Like, something tells me we won't have to!

The girls scream, Shaggy yells "Zoinks!", and Scooby whines in fear. The monster grins, and spits Fred out onto the floor in front of them. He gets to his feet, and brushes himself off like nothing's happened. He tries to act extremely tough to Daphne, as usual.

FRED (Freddie Prinze, Jr.)

Yeah, I'm just uh...I'm just concerned, because something in that thing was totally grabbing my butt. I felt that action was a threat to our relationship, and I was trying to get away from it before I had to resort to unnecessary violence. [to the monster] So, you keep your hands off!

The monster rushes forward, and shoves him out of the way. The gang scatters. Daphne stashes the skirt in one of the dressing rooms, Velma takes off to the bottom floor, Shaggy and Scooby stare in horror, and Fred starts to unbend a clothes hanger.

Velma, meanwhile, crawls along the floor as she tries to follow the wet trail that Shaggy left behind. She stops suddenly, and studies the floor.

VELMA [to herself]
It splits in two!

She looks up to the second floor.

VELMA

Shaggy! Scooby! Come down here!

SHAGGY
Like, no way! You're where that monster was, and like believe me, you're not friendly when you're possessed!

SCOOBY
Runh-ruh!

VELMA
No, I need help figuring out where this water goes!

SHAGGY

Like, should we trust her, Scoob?

SCOOBY
Ruhhh, roh-kay.

They cautiously move down to the lower floor.

SHAGGY
Hold on one second! Look me straight in the eyes!

She does so, with a completely confused look on her face.

SHAGGY
Like, she checks out, Scoob! No creepy glowy demon eyes!

Scooby wipes his brow.

SCOOBY
Phew!

VELMA

It appears that the water trail splits here. How did you get up to us?

SHAGGY
I took the stairs, because I like knew that thing was behind me, and it was in the pond too, but it wasn't wet, so like it was seriously floating or something!

Velma looks at him, dumbstruck.

VELMA
Jinkies, you're logical when you're frightened!

SHAGGY
Like, no, my drawers are filled with cold water, and I want to get out of here before my hide like totally freezes over!

The viewers haven't noticed, but Scooby has wandered off, and shouts from the entrance to a store.

SCOOBY

A crue! A crue!

Shaggy and Velma rush over, and Scooby points.

VELMA

Three of the barricades have been knocked down, and whatever did it had to've been enormous! I can't put together, though, why a monster would need to be in a travel safety store.

Something suddenly clicks in Shaggy's mind.

SHAGGY

Like, I got it! When he came up behind me, he was holding a rope, and like I'll bet they sell them in there!

VELMA
Exactly! I think we better investigate this store a little further...

Slide transition to the top floor, where Daphne and Fred are trying to fight off the monster. They're now both wielding unbent clothes hangers.

FRED

You're dealing with the wrong guy, thief - they call me the hottest jouster in Coolsville!

He jabs it at the monster, but it tries to float away in a hurry, and crashes into the cash register. The register falls to the floor with a crash, and money scatters everywhere. As it moves down to gather the money, Daphne jumps over the counter, and onto its back. She harnesses her arms over the side of the counter, to keep it from floating up again. Something inside the monster makes a forced, grinding noise.

Meanwhile, the other three run into the store. Velma puts her arm out in front of Shaggy and Scooby so they don't distract the monster.

FRED
And now, we're gonna find out who you really are!

He jabs the hanger into the monster's black skin, and tears a wide slit into it. A woman tumbles out, trying to shield her face with her hands.

EVERYONE

Mrs. Manning!

MRS. MANNING (Ellen DeGeneres)

Yeah, it's me, what are you gonna do about it?

DAPHNE
Calling the cops, and telling them we caught the crook, that's what! Keep her down, gang!

The other three pile on top of her.

MRS. MANNING [under the pile]
Hey, watch it, Rogers. Whoa, no dog rear-ends in my face, alright?

Several police cars pull up outside around the Mystery Machine, and a number of police troopers storm into the mall, run up the escalators, and take their positions in the entrance to the store.

VELMA
It's alright, she can't hurt you.

POLICE OFFICER (Colin Quinn)

It's Mrs. Manning, that sweet little old lady that runs the candy store downstairs! Why'd you do it?

MRS. MANNING
Oh, my store wasn't pulling in enough money. A nickel for a gumball here, a quarter for some Twizzlers there, I was going broke! So I figured I'd hide in the plants in the middle of the pond until the security guys locked up for the night...

VELMA
...and that's when she became the Ghostly Money Grabber. Just in case anyone got suspicious and tried to come back into the mall, she'd fly out and scare them away.

FRED [sounding very authoritarian]

She was able to fly by using a cleverly concealed interwebbing of miniature fans.

SHAGGY

And like, she stole those, too! After she snuck up behind me in the pond, Velma, Scoob, and me followed the water trail to the front of the travel supplies store...

VELMA
...and in the travel supplies store, the racks of travel-sized fans and batteries were wiped clean.

DAPHNE
In order for the fans to make her float, she made the costume out of taped-together garbage bags so there would be no excess weight; so when I jumped on her, the system inside couldn't handle anymore, so she couldn't move.

VELMA

And to top it off, she was planning to hit this store next - when the cash register fell, the drawer came open with no difficulty.

She pulls the key out of her pocket.

VELMA
Mrs. Manning unlocked the register as soon as the security guards left, threw the key in the clothes rack, and quickly got into her costume when she heard us arrive.

POLICE OFFICER
That's all we need to hear, gang. Cathy Manning, you're under arrest for the robbery of the Upper Coolsville Mall.

They slap her hands into cuffs, and start to drag her away.

MRS. MANNING

Well, I could've gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids and that dog!

SHAGGY

Like, it's all in a night's work for us!

The gang cheers.

DAPHNE [to Fred]

Say, "Hottest Jouster in Coolsville," I seem to remember you hitting the ground pretty quickly last time...

FRED
Promise not to mention that again, and I'll buy you a nice, neon purple anniversary present.

They laugh, and kiss. Velma turns to Shaggy.

VELMA
Well, Shaggy, I've gotta hand it to you, you really pulled through again.

SHAGGY
Like, it was nothing. We weren't afraid, were we, Scoob?

SCOOBY
Rhuh-ruh!

Scooby laughs in his trademark chuckle.

VELMA
Well, while they're out celebrating, I think I'll take you two heroes out for a pizza.

SHAGGY
You hear that, Scoob? We're in for a triple-topped, chocolate-covered, pineapple-smothered, extra-pepperoni taco burger! What do ya say to that, Scoob?

SCOOBY
Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

Reviewing the Askewniverse (part 3 of 7)

In the last edition, I mentioned that in 1995 when "Mallrats" was released, View Askew was only *working towards* perfection. In 1997, though some would disagree, I believe that they achieved it with the emotional roller coaster known as "Chasing Amy."


Out of the six movies in the Askewniverse series (this being the one film that doesn't comfortably fit the banner of 'the Jay and Silent Bob movies'), "Amy" is noteworthy for being the only entry that isn't a straight comedy; rather, it starts as a romantic comedy, and takes a complete turn into drama. Like its five counterparts, though, it's not a film for everyone - but this time, its somewhat limited appeal lies in the fact that it's probably the most sexually intense film ever made that does not actually include a sex scene. In typical Smith fashion, the substance is all in the dialogue. While other directors would have shown the graphic events of Alyssa's sexual past (as the Japanese manga adaptation apparently did, to Joey Lauren Adams' disgust), we only hear about them, in frank, realistic language that most wide-release movies would avoid. In fact, one did - "Mallrats," which was released by Universal Pictures, originally included a scene very similar to the moment in which Alyssa and Banky discuss their oral sex misadventures; but Universal insisted that the scene be removed.

At this point, Kevin's writing ability has become almost an artform; conversations are completely natural, arguments are wrenchingly realistic, and tearjerker moments (such as Ben Affleck's famed speech in the car) inflict the exact emotions that they're intended to. The only real fault of the film, though it doesn't actually cause as much harm to the story as people have claimed, lies in its major turning point - a supposed hardcore lesbian shifts her preference after a night of sex with Holden. Unbelievable, yes, but I actually don't find it as incredibly unbelievable as many people claim - despite the controversy, Alyssa does not just magically become straight, as it is made especially clear that she is a bisexual. Well, bisexual and then some - for those seeking to add more unique Smith terms to their daily lexicon, this movie did for the term 'fingercuffs' what "Clerks" did for 'snowball.'

Interestingly, despite the core cast of Affleck, Adams, and Lee appearing together in the core cast of the previous film, they manage to completely trick the viewer into forgetting that Shannon, Gwen and Brodie ever existed. While this is obviously very much in the same world as "Mallrats" (Banky slept with Brandi Svenning, for instance), these three obviously talented actors don't even show a glimpse of their previous personas. Jason Lee in particular should be commended, as it would have been *extremely* easy to get hooked into Brodie and Banky's equal appreciation for comic books and thus play the same character this time around; but other than that, the two have nothing in common in terms of personality. Jason's performance is actually a highlight of the high-drama confrontation between Banky, Alyssa and Holden towards the end - he is meant to be portraying someone who we are led to believe could be struggling with his sexuality (and, indeed, his homosexuality was to be revealed in a scene cut from "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"), and his angst is clearly transmitted to the viewer. This scene is in fact one of the reasons I am so willing to call the film an emotional roller coaster, because by this point, we have been grasped by the characters on so many occasions that we can feel what they feel. We can understand Holden's logic in his outlandish idea, yet we can also understand exactly why Alyssa is opposed. That is a level of viewer indulgence that a lot of dramatic films simply do not offer.

All that said, there was only one aspect of the movie that I personally did not care for - Jay and Bob. While their very brief appearance served its purpose (with Kevin stealing the movie via his legendary speech that explained the film's title), it seemed rather awkwardly placed and much too lighthearted after the intense scene at the hockey rink. While it's true that their appearances are characteristically tenuous (I refer you to my review of "Clerks"), this one just seemed totally unnecessary, and left me wondering why the 'chasing Amy' speech couldn't have been reassigned to, for instance, Banky.

To wrap up, there is no doubt in my mind that "Chasing Amy" deserves the accolades it has received. It is Kevin Smith at his most mature, offering a funny, heartfelt, emotional, and brutally honest love story that fearlessly breaks the chains of cliched Hollywood romance in favor of a gripping story that is not afraid to crush the viewer's heart or deliver them a slap in the face. This is also a unique movie to be cherished, because none of Kevin's later films to date have ever dared blend comedy with such high drama. I can only hope that we will be given the opportunity to see this side of his abilities again.

Reviewing the Askewniverse (part 2 of 7)

Directly after "Clerks," I decided to move right into its higher budget followup, "Mallrats." This time around, we're in color and on location; but those aren't the only reasons why "Mallrats" was a landmark movie for Kevin Smith. This movie also introduced cornerstone members of what would become the recurring View Askew family - Ben Affleck, Joey Lauren Adams, and Jason Lee; and on top of that, those two wall-leaning slackers from "Clerks" were now refined into their more familiar personalities.

At the time of its original release, "Mallrats" was a theatrical failure, bringing in very little money during its very brief silver screen life. However, as Kevin started to develop his notorious cult following (the same cult following that currently hounds their hero's online forum on a minute-by-minute basis), the film was given a second chance. Nowadays, people who see "Mallrats" seem strongly divided between loving it and hating it, because it certainly isn't a movie for everyone; it's a comedy that mainly offers exactly what the title promises - a couple twenty-somethings who wander aimlessly through a mall and talk at length about trivial topics such as whether or not Mrs. Fields is considered part of the food court. Personally. I sympathize with the "loving it" group, because circa May of 2008, seeing "Mallrats" on the bus coming home from a school field trip singlehandedly spawned my huge fascination with Kevin's work that obviously continues to this day.

While the movie seems slightly dated by today's standards (it's increasingly difficult to sympathize with a character who gave up his relationship in favor of Sega Genesis), it still manages to seem fresh and identifiable. I'm sure someone watching still knows how it feels to have a friend obsessed with Spiderman, or an ex-girlfriend they just can't let go, or a girlfriend's parent that absolutely despises their existence. Besides that, it's still extremely quotable - hell, you can get Jason Lee's quote about the kid on the escalator on a bumper sticker now. More than anything though, the jokes are still funny, and on the whole, the movie still manages to be entertaining throughout. Well, if not just a tad gratuitous... but on the other hand, throwing in something like a topless fortune teller fits right into the cinema sensibility of the Nineties, doesn't it? :-)

But the fact that it *is* entertaining enough to maintain a loyal fan base all these years later gives it enough worth to sit at a proverbial table alongside Kevin's more successful films. Sure, it's not a perfect movie, but it greatly defined the style that Kevin prefers. A viewing of one of the "Evening With Kevin Smith" films will reveal that this is the style he feels he excels at - a movie where people hang around and talk. Some people might shy away from a movie described as being like that, because it could turn out to be boring; but those that are willing to give his movies a chance usually aren't disappointed. His characters, in this case T.S. and Brodie, are interesting people that we enjoy seeing, because for some of us, they are just like real people. We actually *have* conversations about trivial bullshit like the cookie store at the mall, so we know exactly how they feel. This sense of realism is, I believe, why Kevin excels so often. He injects his movies with just the right amount of realism; some directors, like Judd Apatow, don't have a handle on this, and their productions (like Judd's "Freaks and Geeks" series for example) become SO realistic that they're uncomfortable to watch. Kevin wisely avoids this issue.

Of course though, it's silly to look too deeply into a light comedy, so I should bring this to a close; but before I do, I want to mention Michael Rooker's performance as Brandi's dad - because he's meant to be a miserable son of a bitch, and he PERFECTLY captures what it takes to come off as a miserable son of a bitch. It's just a shame that this character never made a reappearance. (Unless, of course, you count his two second long, silhouetted cameo in "Chasing Amy.")

So all in all, "Mallrats" is rough around the edges, but it's a funny movie that deserves at least one viewing by someone interested in Kevin's work, or at the least, someone who likes Jay and Bob. The Askewniverse series had yet to peak, and although "Mallrats" has its flaws, this is a significant enough step on the way to perfection.

Reviewing the Askewniverse (part 1 of 7)

Today, whilst trying to stay awake as I piece together my 3D Design project, I decided to revisit a couple old friends - Jay and Silent Bob.

While I originally intended to pass a couple hours with a repeat viewing of "Clerks," I thought it would be better to make my way through the whole series once more, and write a review after each stop. This'll be a seven part series... one for each movie, and then a final one (or two, if I decide I can't pile in everything at once) covering the odds and ends such as the cartoon series and the shorts. But, I have a lot of ground to cover, so let's get this underway...


First off, "Clerks" - Kevin Smith's first feature film, from 1994. Though not my favorite of the View Askewniverse series, this film should be a big inspiration for anyone (like myself) working on a low budget independent movie. Although it managed to look surprisingly professional in the end, "Clerks" was strictly a product of the environment it depicts. Kevin Smith actually did work at the Quick Stop, and decided to base his first full-length project around the occupation he knew best. The production was paid for out of his own pocket, which meant he had to go for a cheaper, black and white film stock. This amateur look certainly doesn't do anything to downgrade the visual appearance of the movie; in fact, it fits the setting perfectly. Imagine "Clerks" as a sleek, shiny, full color Hollywood movie (and I don't mean "Clerks 2", that was a whole different entity altogether), and it just doesn't realistically put across the appearance of a small, dingy convenience store. This movie is what nature intended it to be - dark, black and white, and grainy.

As for the acting, the faults of the cast are understandable given the miniscule scale of the production; but at some points, these faults actually become a little distracting. I almost hate to say this, because he was completely inexperienced and basically playing a scripted version of himself, but the weakest link seems to be Jason Mewes - his crucial speech at the end of the movie is marred by a slip-up and a character break. But thankfully, this movie proved to be Jason's only weak performance in a Smith film, as his ability improved quite a bit by "Mallrats." Jay aside, I find Marilyn Ghigliotti (Veronica) rather stilted, with numerous awkward pauses throughout her first scenes. Unfortunately, I haven't seen her in anything else, so I can't comment on whether or not she improved. The acting isn't all bad, however; Jeff Anderson and Brian O'Halloran fall instantly into the characters of Randal and Dante, and have no trouble carrying the movie on their shoulders.

Incidentally, the fact that this was the first appearance of Jay and Silent Bob is interesting, because unlike later movies (such as the aforementioned "Mallrats", where they began their mainstay as Kevin's most important recurring faces), they have almost no purpose whatsoever until the very end. Here, they mainly serve as a reason to cut away from the monotony of the Quick Stop interior; and aren't yet the Jay and Bob we would later grow to love. At this stage, Jay isn't particularly likeable, being overly crass and sarcastic; and Silent Bob is just... there. From what I understand, the changes in their personalities (particularly on Jason's part) in "Mallrats" were due to the fact that the company did not want such unpleasant, drug peddling characters in a big budget movie; and though this was their idea and not necessarily Kevin's, I think it was for the better. I doubt the rougher-edges versions seen in "Clerks" would have become the legendary characters that the revised versions became.

Overall, I think "Clerks" was a great start for Kevin, and a groundbreaking independent movie - every indie filmmaker dreams of making a smash hit and spawning a highly popular series, but Kevin was one of the few to actually accomplish that. Personally, it's not my favorite of his films, as I find it a little dull and slow-moving, but it still holds up as an interesting and very intelligently written movie fourteen years later.

This isn't Saturday Night Live! - a look back at November 15, 1980

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge Saturday Night Live enthusiast, and I take pride in being somewhat of an SNL historian. More specifically, I'm known to turn my attention towards a period of the show that most people aren't familiar with - the 1980-81 season, which NBC deemed such a failure that they refused to re-air any episodes from it. But, we are soon coming up on the 28th anniversary of the 1980 season premiere... a night when millions of viewers tuned in at 11:30 PM to see that their favorite show, which over the past five years offered a weekly dose of comedians such as Gilda Radner and John Belushi as well as legendary characters like the Coneheads, was no longer the "Saturday Night Live" they knew. In fact, they were greeted by a group of complete strangers, none of which had been in the cast before.

From 1975 to 1980, the public became familiar with this group of individuals who would forever change the face of comedy.

(clockwise from lower left) - Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin, Bill Murray, John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Dan Aykroyd, and Garrett Morris.

However, in 1980, producer Lorne Michaels and his cast decided that the show had run its course. NBC was determined not to let it die, so they recruited inexperienced producer Jean Doumanian, who in turn selected a fresh cast of six new individuals:

Like it or not, your old friends have been replaced by (from left) Denny Dillon, Charles Rocket, Ann Risley, Joe Piscopo, Gail Matthius, and Gilbert Gottfried. Yes, I said Gilbert Gottfried. God help us all.

To soften the impact of an almost totally unrecognizable show, Jean enlisted the help of frequent SNL host Elliott Gould, who arrived to Rockefeller Center, unaware that all writers and cast members had been replaced. On top of his unfamiliar surroundings, the press had already started viciously cutting into the new version of SNL, damning Jean and her new talents for having the audacity to call their brand new, inexperienced show "Saturday Night Live." However, the public had yet to form their opinion; and their chance came on the night of November 15, 1980, when the audience for NBC's smash hit late night show tuned in in anticipation of what the sixth season would have to offer. Let's take a look at this episode piece by piece...

From the opening second of this episode, a fan of Seventies SNL is in for a shock. Right in front of their face is a familiar host alongside a cast of six unknown actors. The opening sketch of this episode is said to have brought feelings of isolation among SNL fans, as one by one, each player introduces themselves, and tells which old SNL cast members they are supposedly similar to. In retrospect, this was a bold and extremely risky move, as from that point on, the audience would actually *expect* the cast members to act like the old gang. (Unfortunately, as the season continued, these comparisons turned out to be false; for example, Ann Risley compared herself to Gilda Radner, yet carried a completely different sense of humor and personality.) The sketch carries an air of innocence about it, as Elliott wakes up to find himself in bed with the entire cast, who take turns childishly asking questions about the old show and NBC in general. The five cast members in view suddenly realize that one of their own is missing, and overturn the blanket to reveal a lifeless Denny Dillon, who springs to life and yells the first "Live from New York..." of the season.

From this point until Weekend Update, it is clear that within forty-five minutes, the writers were trying to recapture all of the edginess and raunchiness of the first five years. Thus, the viewers are presented a long string of sex-related sketches - Elliott Gould shares his childhood underwear with the audience, Jimmy Carter (Joe Piscopo) laments over his lack of a sex life, Ann Risley is musically berated for "living in sin," Gail Matthius humorously demonstrates how to give yourself a breast examination, and a clever short film by "Grease" director Randal Kleiser depicts two shoes having sex on a beach. The only real rest the audience is given is in the form of the first 'What's It All About?' sketch, which presents a public access talk show hosted by an old Jewish couple, Pinky and Leo Waxman (Denny Dillon and Gilbert Gottfried). It is worth noting that these characters, with their New York accents and love of Barbra Streisand, were an extremely obvious inspiration on Mike Myers' Coffee Talk sketches.

After the first musical performance (by Kid Creole and the Coconuts, a comical group consisting of men dressed as witch doctors and three scantily clad women), Don Pardo introduces the first installment of Weekend Update hosted by Charles Rocket. Right away, Charles displays a very apparent air of professionalism that was notably absent in the previous versions hosted by Chevy Chase and Bill Murray, as if to erase the self-comparison he made to them in the opening sketch. The reaction of the audience is interesting to pay attention to, because they seem as if they are extremely put off that someone new is reading their fake news. Charlie is greeted with no applause whatsoever, and his humor is met with only scattered laughter. After a handful of jokes, the action moves to the White House, where Piscopo gets to perform his second political sketch of the evening as failed presidential candidate John Anderson. Field reporter Gail Matthius describes the ongoing events as Anderson wanders in a state of confusion around the White House gate, unaware that he lost the election. The piece isn't an enormous laugh riot by any standards, but is very charming, compared to the sleazy Carter sketch from earlier in the evening. However, with this sketch, it seems apparent that Gail was destined to become the next Laraine Newman, a factor that remained throughout the rest of the season.

After this comes the first of Charlie's pre-filmed man-on-the-street Rocket Report segments, and one of the more memorable. Destined to learn information about John Lennon's upcoming "Double Fantasy" album, Charlie is seen rummaging through the trash behind the Dakota building, and harassing a crew of New York garbage men. Through this outlandish piece, Charlie is distinguished from those before him once again, as he shows that he is not afraid to be outrageous and unique, something that would greatly strengthen his presence on SNL. We then return to Update for an awkward Gottfried commentary on how he can prove that Ronald Reagan is already dead; a confusing concept, but pulled off humorously, if not somewhat forced. (For example, Gottfried shows a picture of a man with his hand on Reagan, because the man is trying to "hold him up.")

At this point, roughly 50 minutes through the show, the cleverness that was lacking in the first half starts to show. Following Update is "At One With...", a talk show hosted by Elliott Gould that studies the taboo aspects of humanity. Gould's guests are Joe Piscopo and Charles Rocket, two members of a gay army brigade that is stationed at Fort Dix. (A great pun, yes, but the audience's groans are louder than anything else this season!) We then see "Heart to Heart," one of the short films created for the show by Mitchell Kriegman. In it, Kriegman expresses to his lover his worries about how she 'just doesn't seem like the same woman anymore.' With each change of the camera angle, the woman is played by a different actress. The effect is very funny, and contains a cleverness missing from many of the other films shown this season. This is followed by 'Nose Wrestling', a bizarre sketch which depicts exactly what you would think - two men wrestling with their noses. Unexpected, silly, and almost worthy of Monty Python.

Next, Gail's Vickie the Valley Girl character makes her debut as she shares a romantic date with an older man (Gould). Right from the start, the audience gets to see all of her usual mannerisms - flipping her hair, smoking, and saying phrases such as "fer shure" and "not too cool." The character seems to be in an undeveloped state, however, and would become a fuller portrayal as the season wore on. At this point, Vickie has very little substance to her, and uses the same mannerisms to an almost "broken record" effect, something that Gail would quickly improve upon.

Following this is the highlight of the evening, and, in my opinion, one of the most brilliant yet underlooked sketches in SNL's history - "The Accordion Killer," a thriller spoof in which Charlie plays a demented killer who drives women to death by squeezing out "Lady Of Spain" on his accordion. The sketch is executed beautifully (with the Accordion Killer being defeated in a very hilarious way - bagpipes!), and elicts a larger audience response than anything else in the episode. As the show winds down, we see two short pieces: the music video for "Gidget Goes to Hell" by the Suburban Lawns, and Denny Dillon as a music enthusiast relating the joys of playing records too fast. Both are typical one-joke bits, but are worth a chuckle upon first viewing.

Overall, not a terrible first episode, though it could have been better. The show seemed to rely a little too heavily on sexual innuendo, but nothing that didn't bring a laugh from the audience. Charlie's Weekend Update segment had a rough start, but he would make it his own after a few episodes, winning over the audience with his almost Dennis Miller-type persona. Undoubtedly, Charlie was the star of the evening, with a number of his sketches (the religious telegram, the gay brigade, the Rocket Report, and the Accordion Killer) being outrageously funny.

However, it is sad to say that despite (the retitled) "Saturday Night Live '80" having a generally funny start, it was already doomed. The press refused to give this new bunch a chance, completely obliterating the episode with every line of their reviews. Despite it being rather tame compared to some of the Seventies material (such as Buck Henry's recurring child molester character), they scorned the show for being overly crude and sophomoric. They claimed the cast was unfunny and unworthy of air time, obviously not noticing the generally positive audience reactions during the episode.

It would not help that with the very next episode, those enthusiastic bursts of laughter would quickly disappear; because when the new cast returned to the air with host Malcolm McDowell, they would find themselves facing a much different reaction: dead silence from the cold opening to the goodnights. Suffice to say, despite what the first week's studio audience thought, America was not willing to welcome the new SNL with open arms; and word had gotten around. Only two episodes into the season, it seemed that "Saturday Night Live" was doomed.

Shock! Horror! Sesame Street!

I admit it, I was a pretty impressionable kid. I was totally weirded out by things that were too sudden or unexplained. So when I found this little tidbit on an IMDB forum, I suddenly felt better about myself! People were discussing scenes from "Sesame Street" that used to scare them, and these were the more interesting ones... (If I have anything to interject, it'll be in parentheses. Much like this very statement.) Remember any of these?

#1 - Everyone seems to have been terrified by this short bit about the letter "I". It was a little video of a giant steel "I" being made in a steel mill, accompanied by some scary music. (I think I remember this, but would have to see it again to be sure. I heard the music on some Sesame Street fansite, and it seemed to bring it back a little.)

#2 - Kermit the Frog putting big, chattery teeth in his mouth and trying to talk.

#3 - The lost letter L. (I remember this - there was a lady who yelled stuff like, "I lost my L!!" and then another lady showed up and sung a song about it. Not sure what bugged people about the skit, though.)

#4 - "The Word Is No." (Hallelujah!)

#5 - 'Mysterious Theatre' with Vincent Twice, Vincent Twice. (They had a good point... that was pretty bizarre.)

#6 - Bert is exploring a pyramid, and finds a giant statue that resembles Ernie. The Ernie statue has this deep, echoey voice that apparently creeped people out. (I can *kind of* see how it would creep out a kid, but come on, all the statue does is sing "Rubber Duckie"...)

#7 - The Two-Headed Monster. (Why?! That thing was great - one head used to argue with the other head!)

#8 - An opera-singing orange. (Don't remember this; when I try to think about it, I keep getting it confused with Cecille, the orange clay ball.)

#9 - The baker who came out with a stack of pies, and then fell down the stairs. (This was before my time, I think.)

#10 - Humpty Dumpty. Oh God, not Humpty friggin' Dumpty. That thing was freakish; squinty eyes, and a big grinning mouth that didn't move when he talked. I think I'm going to cry now...

#11 - Bert's unibrow.

#12 - Smokey Robinson singing "You Really Got A Hold On Me" while being literally groped by a giant letter U. (Hallelujah again... even to this day, I can't listen to that song without picturing that! I remember buying "The Beatles Anthology 1" as a kid, and hearing their version; I was particularly unsettled that they would sing that, because the tortured memory of Smokey's tryst with the U was still fresh!)

#13 - "Do The Rubber Duck." This is another one that really struck a chord with me when I read about it... why was the room swaying back and forth? Why?!

I have to add one to this melting pot - "We All Sing With The Same Voice." It was the little music video where all these kids on a playground were singing, and they all sounded exactly the same. Weirded me out! (Man, I gots to see that one again...)

Looking back on "Myst".

Here's an old chestnut I found on my long-ignored MySpace page (I stopped updating that around 2007, when I moved elsewhere); after finishing all of the Myst games, I decided to share my thoughts on them.

While I was a huge Cyan Worlds fan at the time, admittedly, their recent decision to keep "Uru Live" dead (despite the false promise of a forthcoming relaunch, as "Myst Online Restoration Project") has HUGELY diminished my respect for them. And I mean, HUGELY. Like, MASSIVELY, GARGANTUANLY. That's not a word. Anyway, here's something I typed back when I actually had the heart to support Rand Miller's bad decisions.

=====================================

* Myst (1993) - Yes, I know it's a classic, but come on; if you go through all the trouble of finding the pages, you help out the bad guys and lose the game. But hey, the graphics were innovative for back then (and this thing was designed for 386 computers... I still don't know how that worked, considering it has video components, but hey...) and it's still fun to wander around in. "RealMyst" should've made this game obsolete, but I'll get to that in a bit... [8/10]

* Riven (1997) - The game that really turned me on to the series. I fondly recall long hours of playing this in the elementary school library. (Those tram things that took you from island to island were really impressive back then.) There's still enough tucked away in this game to keep it interesting even to this day; come on, someone else reading this must know about the "click spots" :-). [9/10]

* RealMyst (2000) - Ah yes, the game that's friggin' hard to find!! RealMyst, a remake of the original Myst with full movement (as opposed to clicking) was released as sort of a teaser to the engine they were designing for "Uru"... and was on store shelves for like, a day. Which is a shame, because even though it's rehashing a seven year old game, it's still gorgeous, and lot more enjoyable than the original. (The Channelwood Age seems a lot easier, for one thing.) So I highly recommend getting it somehow... it's not the easiest thing to find on eBay, so hey, BitTorrent it. No one will know, and I won't tell! [10/10]

* Myst III: Exile (2001) - For a while, this was the end of the saga for me, because this was the last one my old computer would run. But even though it was slow, it was still friggin' worth it!! Brad Dourif is the greatest villain ever, because he's just so sarcastic ("Is it over HERE? Is it over THERE?") even though his 'change of heart' at the end is just a teeny bit sappy. But hey, this game has the most impressive Myst age ever (the one that pretty much ends in a big long roller coaster ride), so it's hard to nitpick. Loved it. [10/10]

* Uru: Ages Beyond Myst (2003) - OK, I've finally finished this one, and upon final evaluation, I like it a lot more now than I did at the start. I admit that I made a stupid mistake towards the end and had to start over (I misread a strategy guide, and ended up permanently blocking my own path), but otherwise, there are enough nice places (like the garden with the fireflies in it) to make the game easy on the eyes... and also, you're left curious about where you'll go next. [7/10]

* Uru: To D'ni (2004) - Not much to this one (in fact, you can get it for free), but it's still a decent game. Most of it centers around the city of Ae'gura, which you only got a couple sneak peeks of in the first "Uru". The visuals are fantastic, especially in the vast city. The 'find the markers' part is a little irritating (a lot of times, my little detector thing kept going off and I had no idea where the hell it was finding one) but if you like scavenger hunts, you won't mind. The final marker, which is unfairly located over a cliff and unless you're really clever requires a suicide jump, is just plain stupid though. But apparently, there is still stuff to do after you've completed the game which, I noticed, ends in the place where Myst V begins. Apparently there's a big long easter egg hunt (how "Riven"esque) that you can go on, if you so choose. [6/10]

* Uru: The Path Of The Shell (2004) - I HATE IT! I HATE IT! IT'S HORRIBLE! MAKE IT STOP! OK, so as opposed to a ton of interesting locations, this game only has TWO Ages, one of which you have to link in and out of about 350 times. Oh, did I mention you have to swim (slowly) across this seemingly impossibly large lake about 20 times, and there's a part where you have to sit there and watch the game, and do nothing, for 14 minutes? (The other ones were exaggerations, but this time, I'm serious... you have to sit for 14 minutes. Shit) Luckily, I got "The Complete Chronicles" boxed set, so I got the other two decent Uru games... I feel bad for anyone who bought this piece of garbage separately. [1/10] I have a heart... 0 is too unfair.

* Myst IV: Revelation, aka "There's Never Any Trouble Here In Bubble Land" (2004) - Not counting "The Path Of The Shell," which was an add-on to a spinoff, this is where the Myst series went sour. The visuals are nice enough, and that little girl ain't a bad actress, but... what the HELL is up with the last 1/3 of the game? You have to look for your "spirit guide" (which is a tornado/flame/waterspout with big cartoony eyes) and go to the "dream age", where you meet the 'pure' form of your spirit guide, who is for some reason voiced by Peter Gabriel. The Dream Age, and especially the trip to it, are basically the video game equivalents of bad acid. I don't think I'll be returning to this one any time soon. [first part - 9/10, from 'bubble land' onwards - 3/10]

* Myst V: End Of Ages (2005) - Okay... this is my second time around for this game, because the first time, I returned it because I quickly tired of the extreme slowdowns. But I bought it again, actually took the time to experiment with the settings, and it worked fine. So how did it rate? Not very well, for a few reasons. First and foremost, I *really* didn't like the whole "3D face-mapped characters" thing. One of the charms of Myst was that you actually interacted with real people. (I know, Uru had this too, but like I said, I don't count that in the Myst series.) Also, there were no "oooh, I'm gonna ride on something and it's gonna be really fun!" parts. I mean, nothing can beat the 'roller coaster' part of Myst 3, but come on... every Myst game, even "Path Of The Shell" had something you could ride on. This game didn't have that - just a dinky little cart that took you a short distance at one point. Pfft. I should point out though, something I noticed - if you choose one of the bad endings, you get to return to Myst Island, which is all dilapidated. Scary that the real thing is starting to look like what that old parody "Pyst" predicted it would look like... [5/10]

BONUS REVIEW: * Pyst (1994?) - Now that I brought this up, I should review it! "Pyst" was a spoof put out by the long-bankrupt Parroty Interactive to show what Myst Island would look like after millions of players trekked through it. I found this after a multi-year search, in a used computer game store. Seven dollars was too much. It's not a game - merely a slideshow. Each slide has spots you can click on to 'interact' and see various destroyed aspects of Myst Island. Pretty lame, and not very entertaining after the first run through. (John Goodman's theme song is pretty funny, though.) They started making a sequel, "Driven", but the company went kerplunk. You can still find the demo of that one though, if you manage to find one of Parroty's post-"Pyst" CD-Roms. [3/10]