My "Diddy Kong Racing" dream....

Horseshoe Gulch - a real life mystery level from DKR.

NOTE: The more I've pondered the dream I'm about to describe to you, the more I realize that it's based in reality.  So, if you see something in italics, it means I'm jumping to the real world to describe what likely inspired what I saw in the dream. :)

In the past, when I was a hardcore gamer (particularly Genesis and N64), it wasn't surprising to have a dream every now and then about a game I loved.  I've had numerous dreams about finding Stop N Swop in "Banjo Kazooie", and, in what was probably the earliest game dream I remember, I was playing some sort of overhead-view level in Sonic 3 where all the Sonic characters were in a canoe, rushing down a waterfall.  (The music in this imaginary level was that of Sandopolis Zone Act 2 - which, at the time, was only mysterious and intriguing, as "Sonic and Knuckles" had yet to come out, and of course all of its music could be heard early in the "Sonic 3" level select.)

But, those sort of dreams died out when I stopped playing video games.  In spite of that, I've twice had a dream that strikes me as very cool, and if I had game making ability (or the ability to make a Diddy Kong Racing mod), I'd totally bring what you're about to read to life.

(Okay, first I should point out that there is actually a lot of stuff hidden away in the data of Diddy Kong Racing, including several levels - most of which are unplayable completely, but one called Horseshoe Gulch is possible to drive around in, at least until the level suddenly ends in a wall.  So, this dream is sort of based on truth in that regard - the dream is just a lot cooler than what actually exists!)

So, if you've played DKR, you know that the worlds are basically a semi-circular hub, with doorways leading to the various levels within that world.  One world is called Sherbet Island and is a series of water-based levels, the hub for which (if I remember correctly) is inside some sort of round building you need to navigate with the hovercraft.  Importantly, for this dream, one of the levels is called Whale Bay.

Now, in my dream, the entire world was called Whale Bay, complete with T.T. saying the name of it when you entered.  In this version, though, the world was a small beach, with the level entrances (and world entrance) spread out neatly along a semi-circular mountainside, probably two to each side of the world entrance - I think DKR's worlds had four main levels, didn't they?  Anyway... as in the real DKR, if you drove down into the water, you could float out a short ways before hitting an invisible wall.  The edges of the mountain suddenly took 90 degree turns at the invisible wall, with the new flat sides inaccessible to the player and mostly out of view.

(I have actually seen Duke Nukem 3D homebrew levels designed like this, where a body of water enclosed by a mountainside had a very similar design, including an invisible wall that prevented a player from going out too far into the sea.  And yes, one might expect to see messages on the normally inaccessible portions of the mountainside - they are Duke 3D maps after all....)

(This part coming up may also be rooted in reality - namely, the "Sonic Adventure" glitch that allows Big The Cat to, with great effort and patience, break through an invisible wall and swim under the hotel, somehow accessing an early beta version of its interior.  If you know about that glitch, this next bit might seem a bit familiar!)

The main point of the dream was that someone online discovered a glitch that allowed you to break free of the playable semi-circular area of Whale Bay, and squeeze between the invisible wall and one of the flat mountainsides facing the sea.  As the story went, you entered the world in a hovercraft (no other vehicle seemed to work) and went towards the right from the world entrance, down to the edge of the mountain's curve where it met the invisible wall and hooked a hard right along the water.

(Yes, folks, these are early N64 physics - the beach plane + the invisible wall + the corner of the mountain would create an unstable vertex that could possibly be broken by a persistent player.  "Mario 64" has plenty of these, including corners you can long jump through at certain angles, and particular spots in the walls of the sunken ship that allow you to swim out into the black void.  So something like this could very easily exist in DKR.)

If you were to continually press forward, nudging against the corner of the invisible wall and mountainside at a particular angle, your character would eventually pop forward a bit and be alongside the flat mountain wall facing the water.  You would appear to be stuck in place at first, but if you kept forcing your way forward against the invisible force, you would very slowly grind along the length of the mountain wall.

(Again - this is VERY similar to how the 'secret lagoon' glitch in Mario 64's sunken ship works.  When Mario breaks free of the ship, he has to be forced upward towards the water's surface through invisible barriers.)

Eventually, you would see a new area ahead, and once you cleared the mountain wall, you would pop out into the new area, moving freely.  Here was ANOTHER beach, looking very similar to Whale Bay's hub, but with a totally different set of levels - all far from finished, being either simple beta test areas or half-finished ideas, Horseshoe Gulch being one of them.  Where one would expect the large world entrance door to be was a cave entrance, leading to a small series of tunnels lit with purple torches; some of the tunnels led to additional unfinished levels, some were dead ends, and at least one led to a large open area that seemed to defy purpose, almost as though it were intended for a large boss of some sort.  (Wizpig, perhaps...?)

That's basically the extent of the dream... but the idea of such an amazing find, a whole secret world of strange and unfinished levels tucked away in a game I know well, would be incredible.  Sure, massive things ARE found in video games years after the fact - look at GoldenEye (another Rare game), which not only includes all of the Citadel level fully intact, but ten totally playable and perfectly emulated ZX Spectrum games embedded in the cart's data.  Other interesting things have slipped by unnoticed for years, such as in Duke Nukem 3D (a well-hidden secret exit in The Abyss that only functions under a specific circumstance) and Link's Awakening (the "Glitch Dungeon", accessible literally by wedging Link into a corner).  But as far as I am aware, no, Diddy Kong Racing does not have a secret world of unfinished levels tucked away.

Granted, something like this DOES exist, but not in DKR - I'm almost certain it's in Heretic.  That was another hub-based game, from what I recall, where each world contained doors to several levels.  (If you've played Hexen, that did the same sort of thing.)  Accessible only by a warp cheat, however, was a secret hub world containing entrances to various unfinished levels.  That was more than likely the influence for my DKR dream.

But, you know, it seemed so realistic and so possible, especially since there are several mystery levels tucked away in DKR... almost makes me want to get a copy of the game, go down to where the mountainside meets the sea at an invisible wall (not far from the Sherbet Island entrance, mind you!), and see if I can push that hovercraft through it to unexplored territory. ;-)  

This is MY ONLY GENUINE BLOG!

Okay... I have to make a post about this, because it's making me extremely angry at this point.

First, allow me to reiterate - THIS IS MY ONLY BLOG.  Any other blog you see with my name is 100% fake.  Again, THIS IS THE ONLY BLOG THAT BELONGS TO ME.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because, for the past couple years, there has been another blog with my name on it that is completely fraudulent.  It's creepy, something about hacking into websites or something of that nature.  Either way, it bothers me immensely that it exists - it's one of the first results one gets typing my name into Google, and I've always been concerned that its content has prevented me from finding a job, given my career field.

I've tracked down the creator of the fake blog and demanded its removal several times, and have been ignored completely - except the first attempt, where their response was an "LOL".  The fact that it's someone I absolutely don't know, and that they used my name, is obviously a bit frightening, especially since their comment left on the blog makes it clear that I was their intentional target.

Hell, I've even contacted Blogspot about it - you can report impersonators - complete with a scan of my driver's license.  No luck.

So, I'm making this post just to verify, especially if you are researching me in regards to a job, that the page you're on now is Steve Worek's only blog, and I have authorized no others to use my name.  I will continue to take action in the hopes that the fraudlent blog is removed soon.

"Daddy's Song" - a Monkee duet!

I've been getting into the Monkees recently, having realized I've all but passed them by in my years of music collecting.  I dug around through the deluxe edition of "Head" earlier today and noticed that both Davy and Michael had recorded versions of 'Daddy's Song', so I was curious how they'd sound synched together. 

Some speed tweaking was necessary (Michael's version had slight fluctuations for whatever reason), but the result's not bad - be sure to use headphones for the best synch!

http://www9.zippyshare.com/v/30011573/file.html

Grease - the deleted scenes: major correction!

I have to make a huge correction in regards to the 'part 2' post... I missed something entirely while skimming the script for material!

The 'jukebox' conversation between Danny and Sandy, which is different in the shooting script, is more different than I originally realized - in fact, it doesn't take place in front of the jukebox at the Frosty Palace this time, but rather in a hallway at Rydell.  On top of that, there's a totally different ending to the scene before it (at the Frosty Palace) that I missed.  Overall, this whole chunk subtly makes Sandy seem a bit less 'virginal' then she should've been by this point in the movie.

This happens right after Putzie's "Is that all it takes?  Fifteen minutes?":

=======================================

Danny cannot take his eyes off Sandy and Tom.

Vi arrives with their order -- a single giant sundae with two spoons.  This is too much for Danny who rises, looks around the room and spots Patty Simcox entering.

Danny takes her arm and swirls her into an empty booth.  She is surprised and flattered.  He gives her a false smile and looks to see if Sandy is watching.  She isn't.

90. OMITTED

91. CLOSE ON DANNY

He is seething.

92. WIDER

Sandy looks up surreptitiously from her sundae, then smiles a bit too hard as she sees Tom looking at her.  She feeds him a bite of melting ice cream just as Danny puts his arm around Patty.  Sandy spills the ice cream on Tom's shirt.

Patty turns out to be a lot hotter than anyone has given her credit for and she leans against him.

Sandy busies herself dipping a napkin in water and wiping Tom's shirt.

Danny watches Sandy in anger as she daintily scoops up the cherry on top of the sundae and lovingly feeds it to Tom who takes a big bite of it and chews for a long, agonizing time.

This is the last straw for Danny who rises, looks at Sandy as though she were beneath contempt, and swaggers toward the door where Kenickie stands.

KENICKIE
He's just a dumb jock.

DANNY
It ain't the dumb that counts; it's the jock.

CUT TO:

92A. EXT. HALLWAY - LATE DAY

The hallway is deserted.  Late afternoon sun shines in dusty shafts through the windows as Sandy stands in the hall tacking up a poster about dental hygiene week.  She wears Tom's oversized football jacket.

Behind her is a door with a sign on it reading DETENTION.

The door opens and Danny steps out.  Sandy turns and the two of them look at each other silently, unsure of how to act.

Danny starts away, then stops and turns to see that Sandy is still looking at him.

DANNY
How's it going?

SANDY
(coolly)
Oh, it's wonder.  I just love Rydell and I've got so many new friends.

Dear TMBG.... END THE MADNESS. FREE THE RABID CHILD.

You all have likely noticed that I've changed my name from TheLazenby to The Rabid Child.  Allow me to explain why.

In 1985, They Might Be Giants filmed their first-ever music video to accompany "Rabid Child," a track from their widely-circulated demo tape that would shortly after appear on their proper debut album.  When the Johns felt that it didn't meet their standards, the video was shelved and never once shown to the public.  Outside of a mention in the 'Early Years' FAQ on TMBG.org (which claimed it merely showed Flansburgh clinging to a door jamb while staring dreamily into the camera), it was more or less unknown by their fan-base.

Then, in 2002, the documentary film 'Gigantic: A Tale of Two Johns' was released.  Most surprisingly, the film included a very brief clip of the "Rabid Child" video which most certainly *didn't* show Flans clinging to a door jamb, and seemed to be a fairly well-done and quite surreal production.  Unfortunately, this brief clip is all the Johns would allow - director A.J. Schnack wanted to include the entire video as a DVD feature, and was refused without question.  Nevertheless, this clip left fans hungry for more.

In 2004, hoping that its appearance on the Internet would inspire TMBG to release their most notorious and mysterious music video in full, a high school classmate and I spent a wealth of time in our filmmaking class building a full length music video for "Rabid Child" out of the fragment of footage seen in 'Gigantic.'

Unfortunately, a decade later, this is STILL the only version of "Rabid Child" available for public viewing... the same short clip, looped and manipulated to pad out the minute-and-a-half song.  (The version currently on YouTube has been touched up compared to our original version - I tweaked the speed of the footage in spots to make Flans mouth the words a little more accurately, and added a 'Direct From Brooklyn' style title card.)


When faking the video failed to sway Messrs. Flansburgh and Linnell into revealing the rest of the genuine article, I started a petition that, sadly, faded into obscurity - but not after receiving more than 30 signatures from like-minded fans.
http://www.petitiononline.com/RbdChild/petition.html

In 2009, on this very blog, I wrote a letter to TMBG, respectfully telling them of the wishes of their fan base to see this video once and for all.  Of course, this post didn't grab the attention of anyone in the TMBG camp, and likely did not bat an eyebrow on either of the Johns.
http://steveworek.blogspot.com/2009/01/free-rabid-child-open-letter-to-tmbg.html

So, nearly a decade after my friend and I created our reconstruction, and almost thirty years since the video was filmed and hidden away, we remain devoted to our cause - though my determination is considerably stronger than his.

It consumes me - last night I had a dream (from my recollection, the third I've had about this video) where TMBG offered to release the video if fans gave them a collective $5,000.  Hell, if that were the case, I'd start a Kickstarter before you could blink.

From this day forward, I have but two goals in life - one, to join a Rocky Horror cast; and two, to feast my eyes upon the missing one minute and twenty seconds of the "Rabid Child" video!

You haven't won yet, Johns....

Grease - the deleted scenes! (part 2)

Sorry about that... totally forgot about this!  Well, better late than never, allow me to dive again into the shooting script of "Grease" and dig out goodies...

=====================================

[The cheer at the bonfire - 'Do a split, give a yell' - was entirely different in the script, as was Calhoun's speech, which isn't pathetic this time around:]

60. CONTINUED:

CHEERLEADERS
Strawberry shortcake!
Huckleberry pie!
V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!
Stand 'em on their heads!
Stand 'em on their feet!
Rydell! Rydell!
Can't be beat!

61. THE BONFIRE

Coach Calhoun and the team stand before the students.  Tom and Sandy are exchanging glances as the Coach addresses the crowd.

COACH CALHOUN
And we'll be expecting to see you all back out here after the game for that most joyous of Rydell customs -- the ringing of the victory bell!

He gestures toward a rope that hangs from a tarnished old bell that hangs over the ramp.  The Cheerleaders put their hands over their hearts.

COACH CALHOUN
(continuing)
Rydell forever!

The school BAND launches into the VICTORY SONG.

[Oddly enough, shortly after this, the T-Birds' version of the cheer still matches the version that ended up in the film - "Do a split, do a yell, shake a tit for old Rydell."]

=====================================

[A couple differences in the next few pages - Sonny's clever line about having to "put out before she ever gets in" hasn't been refined yet:]

SONNY
A girl is going to have to be willing to go... three-quarters of the way before she can even get in it...

[And Danny's response to "What happened to the Danny Zuko I met at the beach?" is considerably more asshole-ish than in the final film:]

DANNY
Search me.  I'm clean.  Maybe there's two of us.  What was he like?  Was he short?  Was he tall?  Come on, baby, lay it on me.  I don't got all day to help you.

Sandy has to bite her lip to keep from crying.

DANNY
(continuing)
That don't give me much to go on.  Look in the Yellow Pages... Take out a Want Ad... Try Missing Persons.

 =====================================

[The beginning of the slumber party scene is *not* Jan dancing to "Brusha Brusha Brusha", which may have been chosen after Jamie Donnelly's casting.  The dialogue and directions are entirely different:]

69. INT. FRENCHY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

CLOSE on a bottle of Italian Swiss Colony wine.

PULL BACK TO SEE that Rizzo is pouring from the bottle into the outstretched jelly glasses held by Marty, Jan and Frenchy.  Sandy sits somewhat removed from the others looking unhappy.  The girls are in baby-doll pyjamas, mules and hair rollers, the room a typical girl's room of the period.  A large picture of Vince Fontaine is framed above the bed.  He's a good looking man with sharp features and an elaborate hairdo.  The room is full of wigs and hair dryers.

Both the RADIO and TV are ON.  A 50's TUNE ENDS.  The TV is a round Motorola.

JAN
Jeez, look what Loretta Young is wearing!

Marty squints.  Frenchy pulls a large magnifying glass in front of the screen.

RIZZO
I can't stand her.  I keep waiting for her to get her dress caught in the door.

VINCE FONTAINE (V.O.:)
(on the radio)
This is Vince Fontaine, your daddio on the radio playing stacks of wax for Jills and Jacks out there in Radioland... And now!... going out to Ronnie and Sheila.  For the first time anywhere, here's the National Bandstand premiere of a brand new song that's going to set you little dears on your cotton-picking ears!

[The girls' conversation while Frenchy and Sandy are in the bathroom is different:]

Rizzo lights a cigarette and passes around the pack.  The girls begin to smoke.

JAN
You know they've got peppermint candy cigarettes now.

MARTY
If you don't watch out, you'll look like the Goodyear Blimp.

JAN
Well, at least I don't have a complexion like pimento cheese.

Marty looks into the mirror.

MARTY
You can't see it through the pancake.

RIZZO
You can't see you through the pancake.

[Two points of interest - "Freddy My Love" is STILL not included in this scene, being replaced at this point by "Sandra Dee"; and the Elvis verse of that song is already intact - written to replace the verse about recently-murdered Sal Mineo.]

 =====================================

[An alternate exchange after Danny's 'sloppy seconds' line - notice Rizzo's question is not yet crude, and not as funny:]

RIZZO
If ya think the virgin princess is up there dying of a broken heart, I got news for ya.  The best she could do for love was prick an earlobe.

Danny looks at her disgustedly and starts away.

RIZZO
(continuing)
Where are you going?  To howl at the moon?

DANNY
That's a better idea than hanging out with you dorks.

=====================================

[At make-out point, before Rizzo requests that Kenickie call her by her first name:]

As they lie on the back seat -- both of them with their eyes closed, Kenickie manages to free half his mouth so that he can dislodge a wad of gum which he sticks on the car light.  They kiss a moment more.

RIZZO
(continuing; still kissing)
What happened to the gum?

KENICKIE
It was gettin' in the way.

Rizzo opens her eyes and looks at him meaningfully.

RIZZO
Keep a cool tool, fool..  I'm wise to the rise in your Levi's.

KENICKIE
You still thinking about Zuko?

RIZZO
I got one thing on my mind, baby, and that's you.

KENICKIE
(passionately)
Oh, Rizzo.  Rizzo.

RIZZO
I always thought if I was to let a guy, he'd at least call me by my first name.

[In this version, Kenickie (sort of) already knows it:]

KENICKIE
(he has to think)
Yeah... uh... Betty! Betty!

[This repeats just as Hell's Chariot backs into the car:]

KENICKIE
(huskily)
Oh, Rizzo, Rizzo.

RIZZO
(huskily)
Please -- Call me Betty.

KENICKIE
Oh, baby.

RIZZO
Betty!

KENICKIE
Yeah!

Suddenly there is a loud SLAM and Kenickie is pitched over the front seat.

=====================================

[An almost entirely different lead-in before "Greased Lightning" begins:]

87. INT. AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR CLASSROOM - DAY

Danny, Kenickie, Sonny, Doody and Putzie stand looking gravely at the damaged car.

KENICKIE
We gotta do something.

PUTZIE
It's a hopeless case.

Kenickie gives him a dirty look.

SONNY
Junk it.

DOODY
Won't have to do much to do that.

Kenickie turns around and looks imploringly at Danny who approaches the car and contemplates it seriously while walking around it.

DANNY
I don't think it's so bad.  In fact, it's okay.  It's pretty good.  No, I don't even think it's good. It's a major piece of machinery... I said a major piece of machinery.  We can't 86 it.

KENICKIE
Yeah!  Tell 'em!

DANNY
Look at the lines.  Look at the lights.  It needs a little work, sure.  But it's all here!  It's Hydramatic... Systematic... Automatic... Aristocratic...

HE begins to slide into an Elvis imitation as he speaks and moves.

KENICKIE
It's boss!

DANNY
(getting carried away)
Yeah boss!... Yeah, the best.  I tell you what it is!... It's Greased Lightning!

KENICKIE
Greased Lightning.

Kenickie and Danny go through a hand-slapping ritual of enthusiasm as the others move in on them.

DANNY
Greased Lightning!  Dual exhaust!  A good transmission!  Fluid drive!  Out, in and overdrive.  We can do it!  We can fix it!  Greased Lightning!

[Cue song.]

=====================================

[Unused dialogue at the start of the first Frosty Palace scene.  Note that the design of the Frosty Palace was considerable more than a generic 50's diner here:]

FLOW with Danny and Kenickie as they enter the Frosty Palace where the igloo effect is carried out with the booths looking like chunks of ice and the brightly-hued juke box looking like the Northern Lights.  The waitresses wear short fur-trimmed skirts with hoods and look like bouffant Eskimos.  The place is crowded.  The Pink Ladies are in one booth -- Putzie, Sonny and Doody in another -- miscellaneous students in another and, in the middle are Sandy and Tom.  She is lost in his oversized football jacket, sees Danny out of the corner of her eye and gives Tom her undivided attention.

The boys greet each other like long-lost friends, but Danny can't take his eyes off Sandy and Tom.  He collides with VI, the tough/tender waitress who's seen it all.  Vi carries a loaded tray which almost dumps on the floor.  They barely catch it, but Vi is a precision waitress who manages to hold the tray on one palm.

DANNY
Great save, Vi.

VI
I used to be with the Ice Follies, honey.  It prepared me for life at the Frosty Palace.

She gives him a smile and he turns toward the booth.

KENICKIE
Are you still thinking about that chick?

DANNY
The only thing on my mind is Greased Lightning.

Danny and Kenickie slide into the already crowded booth.

Vi turns from serving a table and stands over the Pink Ladies' booth resting the tray on her hip.

JAN
How about an Aurora Borealis?

MARTY
What's that?

VI
The same as the Eskimo Surprise except it has colored sprinkles.

The JUKEBOX PLAYS an original 50's SONG -- "POOR LITTLE FOOL."

=====================================

[Shortly after, the conversation between Danny and Sandy is a bit different:]

DANNY
How's it going?

SANDY
(coolly)
Oh, it's wonderful.  I just love Rydell and I've got so many new friends.

DANNY
(not meaning it)
Glad to hear it.

SANDY
Between meetings, parties and cheerleader practices, I hardly have any time to do my homework.

DANNY
Well, you're just naturally smart, I guess.

SANDY
It does help.

Danny looks at her for a moment.  She smiles blithely giving him no encouragement, looking lovely and knowing it.  She also knows exactly what she is doing as she feigns disinterest. 

Danny is torn and for a moment he drops his pose.

DANNY
Look, Sandy... I'm sorry about the way things turned out... I mean I wish there wasn't anything between us.

SANDY
(sweetly)
But there isn't.

DANNY
There is and you know it!... It's just that I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror and there I am, Danny Zuko.  Then I get dressed and I come to school and I turn into DANNY ZUKO.  And there's one you know and there's one they know, but I'm both of 'em and sometimes Danny Zuko says something, but it comes out like DANNY ZUKO said it, but I mean the same thing... You gotta help me, Sandy.

SANDY
That sounds like a wonderful idea for a term paper in Social Psychology.

DANNY
It ain't easy being two people, you know.

SANDY
That's why I'm so glad Tom is such a practical, simple person.

=====================================

[Finally for this installment, there is a bit more between Calhoun suggesting that Danny take up long-distance running, and his failed attempt at hurdles.]

102. SERIES OF SHOTS

of Danny running.

103. EXT. FROSTY PALACE

The Thunderbirds and Pink Ladies are dancing when Danny jogs past.  A SONG is HEARD from the JUKE BOX.  He stops momentarily to look in, which is just enough time for them to see him.  They run into the street hooting and yelling.  "What are you doing in your underwear?  Where do you keep your Wheaties!?"

Lorne Michaels' 20 greatest mistakes (part 2)

ADDENDUM - I realized since the first post that Lorne did NOT have anything to do with "It's Pat: The Movie," so our new reason #10 can be "Putting his name on 'Mr. Mike's Mondo Video.'"  Either that, or the embarrassing 1976 Beach Boys special.

The second half of why I believe that Lorne Michaels is not the "comedy genius" he is often said to be.  Let us begin....

11) Relying on the same characters week after week after week when the show is struggling.  Alright, I do understand that this can be a case of 'give the people what they want' in order to keep viewers from running away, but in some cases, the overused characters weren't exactly popular.  Take season 21; the show was struggling back to life after 1994-95, with a new cast.  When the Cheerleaders took off, it was somewhat understandable to see them again and again that season, because the audience was responding in a big way to something, and they hadn't for quite a while.  But also that season, we had Mark McKinney and David Koechner in nearly every episode as the Fops, Lucien and Fagen, sometimes twice in the same episode.  Ask anyone who raves about the Cheerleaders or Mary Katherine Gallagher if they found Lucien and Fagen funny.  The studio audience didn't.

12) The belief that any one-joke sketch that works in small amounts can be stretched to a feature length film.  Saturday Night Live movies are VERY hit or miss, with very few genuine successes, Wayne's World being an obvious choice here.  But when a recurring character has been done to death on the show, why believe that an audience would want to see a further 90 minutes of the same repeated schtick?  Superstar, The Ladies Man, A Night At The Roxbury, MacGruber, etcetera.  We almost got a full-length adaptation of the one-off 'Key Party' sketch that most viewers probably can't remember.  The only one we can't blame him for, though, was It's Pat - allegedly Lorne gave that the go-ahead despite predicting its failure.

13) Keeping people looooooong past their prime, even when the audience is tired of them.  This is a fairly new occurrence; even former cast members have commented that the show isn't quite the revolving door it used to be.  But that's the problem - why does everyone have to go for a Darrell Hammond-esque tenure?  What reason is there to keep Fred Armisen on for more than a decade, when he's on another sketch comedy show anyway?  He's a particularly good example, because his breakthrough character (Ferecito) hasn't even appeared for several years.  We need more change.

14) Letting absolute duds of sketches go through writing, re-writing, table reads, set building, and finally a dress rehearsal where they more than likely died with the audience.  I'll resist the temptation to pick an easy sketch from one of the infamously bad seasons, and use the example of "Wet 'Em Down" from Kelsey Grammer's 1998 show.  This is a one-joke sketch involving the bikini-clad female members of the cast as Baywatch girls, repeatedly being hosed down at the request of their director.  One joke, over and over again.  The audience doesn't respond at all.  Are we to believe that this made the final roster for that week's show, above a bunch of other sketches that were worse?  That it was deemed so funny that they willingly built multiple sets, even bringing in cameo appearances from known actors?  That it killed in dress rehearsal and was assumed to do so during the live show?  Seems like a major lack of judgment.

15) Over-reliance on nostalgia.  Sure, it was fun to see Chevy Chase come back and host a couple years after he left the show.  The little nod to 'Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger' in a 1985-86 sketch was even welcome.  But nostalgia factor has brought back the Wild and Crazy Guys on two occasions, both more than two decades (the more recent being nearly four) since their last regular appearance.  Younger viewers are likely completely in the dark when Dan Aykroyd shows up in an episode and it's supposedly a big deal.  No one cares that Generalissimo Francisco Franco is dead, forty years after the fact.  There's just no reason to rely on nostalgia so heavily when less and less people actually remember the bits that are referenced.

16) Ignorance of the non-Lorne years, even though Dick Ebersol (temporarily) saved the show.  One of Lorne's cohorts states in the "Live From New York" book that Lorne never reran Ebersol episodes, which wasn't true; a good many of them ran in the 3 AM 'Classic SNL' timeslot.  But how many times have you seen a surprise cameo by, say, Tim Kazurinsky?  (Somewhat subverted, as Martin Short has cameo'ed - but Martin has also hosted numerous times because of movies, and his time on SNL was short.)  The biggest flub on this topic is that after the 10th season with a killer cast (Short, Guest, Rich Hall, Dreyfus, etc), Lorne started the show from scratch, despite the fact that it finally grew back into an American institution, and nearly killed it.  Just to do things 'his way' and keep separate from Dick's work, despite its success.  Moving past Ebersol... the show's treatment of the Doumanian season is one asshole move after another.  Nothing was more insulting than the opening credits of the 25th anniversary special, where year-by-year cast photos were seen - including a skip from 1979 to 1981.  Considering much of the 1980 cast was in attendance that night, this was a slap in the face; made worse by the 'best of the early Eighties' montage skipping them entirely.  (Note - the most recent DVD of the special actually has a Charles Rocket clip in the Weekend Update montage; this was only tacked on for the DVD version and didn't appear in the aired special.)

17) Never being the least conscious of when the audience stops responding to recurring characters.  There is a very obvious concept known as "diminishing returns" - and what better example than The Californians?  Same jokes every time, less and less laughter.  More recent installments have died down to a light chuckle from the audience.  But, this is certainly nothing new; you can pretty much pinpoint when the audience stopped finding Matt Foley or any of Kristen Wiig's characters funny.

18) Letting sketches be performed twice in their entirety, especially if it's just to please a cast member.  There was no reason for Total Bastard Airlines (you know - "buh bye") to appear in two different shows, in two different seasons.  Well, okay, in Lorne's mind there was a reason - 'David Spade wants to do it again.'  At that point, Spade had more pull than lesser cast members because he was making money; not necessarily because the audience responded to him.  And surely enough, the repeat of "Total Bastard Airlines," with only slight changes, died COMPLETELY.  The audience had seen the sketch before, and the charm had worn off.  A waste of money, crew strength and air time.

19) Keeping Weekend Update anchors whose jokes only get tepid reactions a majority of the time.  Some of you are probably thinking "Like Seth Meyers."  No, I was mostly thinking Colin Quinn, who constantly fumbled over material, spoiling the phrasing and timing of jokes, and then became either verbally frustrated or pathetic when the audience made no sound.  After the first year with Colin, it should've been obvious that he needed to vacate the desk.  Instead, the show had *three solid years* of terrible, terrible Weekend Updates, being saved in 2000 when the winning Fey/Fallon combination took over. 

20) Choosing flavor of the month hosts that no one recognizes.  Remember Peter Saarsgard?  When the only jokes you can wring out of a host are "no one knows who I am" and "my name sounds like 'SARS guard'", something is wrong.  Or someone more recent - Jeremy Renner, who appeared on the show because 'the Internet wanted him to', and proved to be an awful host who even stated in his monologue (likely unscripted) that he didn't know what he was doing there.  And people gave Doumanian hell for booking Malcolm McDowell...

Well, I've probably cemented my spot as someone who will never, ever host Saturday Night Live in his lifetime; but these are simply opinions I've come to after the past couple decades of watching the show.  Overall, yes, I give Lorne credit for launching the most successful comedy series in history; and once in a while he makes a real find when choosing cast members.  But "comedy genius"?  Not in the least.

Lorne Michaels' 20 greatest mistakes (part 1)

I like SNL.  Seriously.... I've studied that show nearly on a daily basis since grade school, and have watched fairly consistently since the 1997-98 season.  And yes, obviously, Lorne Michaels deserves a lot of credit for keeping the show afloat and hiring genuine talent - such as the women in the current cast who were clearly all fantastic finds.

But I hear the phrase "genius" attached to Lorne far too many times.  For all the success he's had, let's look at things that bore Lorne's name that were far... FAR... from genius.

#1) The 1979-80 season as a whole.  The cast photo inside the DVD case is telling - faces of painfully tired individuals who didn't give a damn.  The novelty of the 'first five years' burned itself out during season 4.  When Belushi and Aykroyd left, the idea of dragging the show out that one last season seemed reasonable enough when five of the core cast members were still involved, but the remaining cast members were in turmoil and in no mood to be funny.  Garrett was going through extreme drug addiction and mental issues, Laraine was desperately ill, Gilda and Bill's relationship had fallen apart.  Sure, season 5 had its moments ("Senor Lopez", "Stretch Marks") but when the cast was padded with random writers and Dan Aykroyd's brother?  The flame of Seventies SNL had gone out, hard.

#2) The 1985-86 season as a whole, the second time (the first being Doumanian's year) that NBC wanted to cancel the show.  After Dick Ebersol and most importantly Eddie Murphy recaptured the show's popularity, SNL reached another peak with its all-star tenth season.  Then.... Dick left the show to spend time with his family, and Lorne was brought back to much fanfare.  However, the all-star cast was dismissed, and Lorne attempted to put together a 'hip, young' cast featuring youthful movie stars such as Anthony Michael Hall, Joan Cusack and, considerably older than the rest, Randy Quaid.  A lot of talent was involved.  Unfortunately, none of this talent was used, as the entire season consisted of extremely dull sketches, driven-into-the-ground recurring characters and dead audience reactions - which were replaced with canned laughter in reruns.  This season was completely written off, on the show even, as a nightmare and a mistake.

#3) The 1994-95 season as a whole, the third time that NBC wanted to cancel the show.  God, is it bad.  The last half of the 1993-94 season showed that the 'bad boys' cast and its writers were getting tired and worn out, and the audience's non-reaction showed that the damage had been done.  Stretch that out for an entire final year with that group, on top of which Chris Elliott (who was already well known) was hired and wasted.  Oh, and Sandler and Spade gave up any attempts at effort, and Farley screamed a lot.  And there was a lot of fake blood, vomit spray, gay jokes, and Jeanine Garofalo who hated her life.  And two more problems that we'll get to in a bit.

#4) Pushing Kristen Wiig to the forefront and considering her the absolute greatest female comedy talent in the history of the universe.  Obviously, this topic has been beaten to death - especially after 'that cast photo' from a few seasons back where Kristen was purposely seated *in front of* her cast mates.  A good example of putting strong belief in something the audience could not have been more opposed to.

#5) Firing David Koechner after only one season.  Yes, David is a 'love him or hate him' kind of guy, and what you see is what you get in most cases - if you've seen him in "Anchorman", you know exactly what persona he's going to carry in other roles.  But imagine what heights he could've reached given the chance to pair up with Will Ferrell on the air, for instance.

#6) Not hiring Steve Carell.  No, I'm not accepting "he was in The Ambiguously Gay Duo" as compensation.  Lorne *has* to look at Steve now and realize he passed on a genuine comedic talent, who, a decade after his failed SNL audition, rode to A-list stardom for said comedic talent.  In 1995, we could've had Carell, Koechner AND Ferrell in the same cast.  Think about that.  (Worth pointing out that a sketch that season, most likely written by Adam McKay - "Wake Up and Smile" - later saw ideas recycled for "Anchorman.")

#7) When Phil Hartman left, Lorne intentionally tried to replace him with another middle-aged actor - Michael McKean.  Seriously, when someone is easily one of your most successful and beloved cast members in the history of the show, you cannot just flat out TRY and replace him, and expect people to take to "the new Phil Hartman."  Michael McKean, whose career had already hit such peaks as Laverne and Shirley and Spinal Tap, was thrown into a dying show mid-season to fit in with a struggling cast and try to adapt immediately to sketch comedy, which he was unaccustomed to.  The result is painful... save for his first sketch featuring his Howard Stern impression (the second and last attempt bombed), Michael got some of the worst material in seasons 19 and 20, and it's agonizing to watch such an accomplished actor wade his way through utter shit.  When he even gets air time, that is.

#8) Morwenna Banks.  Long story short, Morwenna Banks was a popular English comedienne from a sketch comedy show called "Absolutely", where she was best known for her Little Girl character.  With absolutely no reason except grasping at straws when the show was quite possibly nearing cancellation, Lorne hired Morwenna four episodes before the end of the 1994-95 season and flew her to the US to become 'the next Tracey Ullman.'  Only problem - her signature character TANKED in its lone SNL appearance.  Well.... what then?  She had bit parts in sketches, and after those four episodes, was never seen on the show again.  An absolutely stupid decision from the get-go, something that her "Absolutely" cast mates also felt at the time.

#9) Norm Macdonald's firing.  I've heard it said on numerous occasions that Norm, particularly as the host of Update, was the only funny part of a bad time in the show's history (largely encompassing the 1994-95 season).  And yes, he is another "love him or hate him" kind of comic.  But for the most part, the audience enjoyed him.  That came to an abrupt end mid-season when NBC bigwig Don Ohlmeyer decided "Norm is no longer funny" and Lorne agreed.  Way to stand up for a team player.  Oh, and the biggest insult?  Replacing Norm on Update with Colin Quinn.  Some replacement.  Though given the history of the show, it's surprising that Norm's on-air "fuck" didn't get him fired despite his successes.

#10) "It's Pat: The Movie."  Nuff said.

That's all for part 1 - part 2 whenever I get a chance!

TMBG - Space Suit demo upgrade!

I know I don't post here much (or... at all) anymore, but I thought I'd share this because of its rarity.  A while back, one of TMBG's Podcasts had tracks from a previously unknown 1983 demo tape - one of which was "I'll Remember 3rd Street", a demo of what became known as "Space Suit" nine years later.  Unfortunately, the podcast was mono and low bitrate, so the song didn't sound great.

A while back, a fan sent me an upgrade of this track, not only in higher sound quality, but in FLAC (which Trader's Little Helper verified 100% legit).  Since no one else seems to have this, I'll post it here.  Enjoy!

http://www.mediafire.com/?0a851pcs96p2k94

The Orb did the Pink Floyd Trance Remixes (REVISED 10/31)

For Pink Floyd fans, one of the biggest unsolved mysteries involves a series of strange bootlegs that emerged between 1993 and 1994.  Someone, obviously a professional DJ, flooded the underground market with a number of 'Limited Edition Trance Remixes' - incredibly trippy, reverb-laden, truly bizarre reworkings of several entire Pink Floyd albums.  The creators remained anonymous, though many suspected popular English trance group The Orb (or at least, Orb member Jimmy Cauty), whose styles seemed unmistakable.

While no one in the British music industry knows for sure and The Orb don't speak about the topic, I strongly believe it was them, and I'm going to prove it.....

* The Orb's output ceased during 1993-94, when the mixes were created.

* The Orb's debut album, out by this point, had clear Floyd references - a track called "Back Side of the Moon", and Battersea Power Station (made famous by the 'Animals' sleeve) on its cover.

* The KLF, which featured Orb founding member Jimmy Cauty, were also Floyd fans - the cover of 'Chill Out' was a nondescript photo of sheep in a field, meant as a nod to 'Atom Heart Mother'.

* Pieces of 'Chill Out' appear in many places throughout the mixes, most recognizably in the "Dogs" remix, which heavily samples the track "Wichita Lineman Was A Song I Once Heard."

* Not long after the remixes emerged, Richard Wright had the Orb create an authorized Trance Remixes EP for his solo album 'Broken China'.

* In 2010, the Orb put out their album 'Metallic Spheres', the entirely of which features David Gilmour adding Floydian guitar licks over their ambient music. Not surprisingly, this album sounds a hell of a lot like the Trance Remixes.

* The idea that the Orb were behind the mixes formed immediately upon their release (Andy Mabbett's "Complete Guide to Pink Floyd" was published in 1994, and even then, he referenced their 'Orb-like' quality). Many listeners who recognize the Orb's work, including members of the English music industry, consider the discs to be Orb creations without question.

* Considering that the Orb were still fairly new in 1993-94, for another DJ to so accurately capture their unique styles (for example, reverb-swamped TV clips and sound effects floating amongst the ambient noise) in such a short time is unreasonable.

* The first track on the earliest Trance Remix CD, which would be part 1 of "Shine On You Crazy Diamond", is based around a deconstruction of the Orb's own hit "Little Fluffy Clouds".
** Likewise, part 2 of "Shine On" samples 'Chill Out'.

* Given the general dislike towards the mixes (thanks to the 'Floyd is perfect' obsessives), and the Orb's high reputation amongst trance music, one would think they'd deny having created them if they didn't, at least to save face. They've never denied involvement, and inversely, won't flat out confirm it either. As the mixes were unauthorized, this could simply be for legal reasons - and the Orb are known to remain silent on the topic of using samples without permission.

Ironically enough, shortly after compiling this list, I picked an Orb song at random from YouTube - "A Huge Ever-Growing Pulsating Brain", which happened to sample both the signature four-note guitar lick from "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" and (it seems) the opening ping from "Echoes."  More Pink Floyd connections.

On the whole though, I've been listening to the Orb's better known music such as "Blue Room" quite a bit to try and justify this list, and after examining their mixing styles, motifs and gimmicks, have no doubt that they were indeed behind the Trance Remixes.

==========================================

UPDATES

Since there are a number of different Floyd remix CD's out there, I thought I would clarify which ones the Orb absolutely did *not* do.

* 'Absolutely Ambient' - As far as I am aware, this predates the main series of Floyd remix CD's.  The styles present are simply not those of the Orb, and the editing and composition of the mixes are somewhat amateur.  I wouldn't rule out the possibility, though, that the Orb could have been influenced by this disc; the 'Wish You Were Here' Trance Remix emerged not long after this.  I realized that this couldn't be true; the WYWH remix was released in 1993, but the use of a 'Pulp Fiction' sample on this disc dates it sometime after October 1994.
** Since originally creating this post, I located back cover artwork for this album.  Credits are given to 'The Stingman' (technical and creative know-how) and 'The Attitude Brothers' (executive producers).

* 'Welcome To The Remix' - This is an odd CD, later re-released with considerably less cheesy artwork as 'Mixed In The Moon'.  Though it includes two of the remixes from the 'Wish You Were Here' disc, the other material was more than likely not created by the Orb, but at least one other professional DJ - who, judging from the 'Megamix 21' track, had admirable talent.  Other than a re-edited copy of the 1981 "Money" remake, a lengthy trance remix of "Another Brick In The Wall" debuts here, oddly split into two tracks.  While entertaining and well done, there aren't any telltale Orb trademarks that allow me to suggest it may have been theirs.

* 'A Collection Of Great Trance Remixes' - Released after the main series had been completed, this German disc (complete with a grammatically-strange cover) seems to be a third party attempt to construct the 'Great Dance Songs' album using previously released tracks from the Trance Remix CD's, as well as the mysterious "Another Brick In The Wall" from 'Welcome To The Remix'.  Not surprisingly, the 'Wall' remix sticks out like a sore thumb.

* 'Piper At The Gates Of Dawn Trance Remixes', 'More Trance Remixes', 'The Final Cut Trance Remixes' - These discs are often lumped together with the main series, and they shouldn't be.  Released five years after the main series, they have nothing at all in common stylistically with the Limited Edition Trance Remix discs, and were actually the homemade efforts of a teen Floyd fan named Alex Wroten, who put them together to the best of his limited audio-editing abilities.  The existence of a 'Piper' disc is actually a fairly new revelation; due to eBay sellers cashing in with poor copies of his other two discs, the 'Piper' set took over a decade to reach the public.  (Alex also created a 'Saucerful Of Secrets' disc, but this was lost in the midst of computer troubles.)

* 'Floydhead: The Floydian Propulsion Project' - Of course, this was a strictly fan-made project, created by individuals named Seth, Ste-V, Michael Alan, Jimmy Rad, and Hainkm.  (Unlike anything else mentioned on this page, this disc is actually available commercially through venues such as Amazon... quite odd, given the actual Pink Floyd material included.)

* The Beatles - 'Sgt. Pepper Trance Remixes', 'Day Tripping: Magical Mystery Tour Remixed', Led Zeppelin - 'Coded: Limited Edition Trance Remix" - These three bootlegs were the work of an individual named Nasty Little Dog, and released on a label called Chelsea Records.  Clearly meant to mimic the Pink Floyd discs (note his use of "Limited Edition Trance Remix" to make it seem as though they were related), they are......... well, for lack of a better term, shit.  Utter, utter shit.  Aside from poor quality rarities from the artists used to pad out the length of the discs (including a couple Beatles outfakes), the remixes themselves are as amateur as they come - playing "I Am The Walrus" in its entirety twice with a ridiculous amount of reverb piled on, for instance.  It goes without saying that the Orb had nothing to do with Nasty Little Dog.

Hot As Sun - FLAC version (re-uploaded!)

Just got a request to re-upload my "Hot As Sun", because the old links were for Megaupload.... so here you go - "Hot As Sun" in FLAC, on MediaFire!

Part One - the original hoax tracklist
http://www.mediafire.com/?7rlfzv0v0di5ji7
01) Maxwell's Silver Hammer
02) Don't Let Me Down
03) Hot As Sun
04) Junk
05) Polythene Pam
06) Octopus's Garden
07) I Should Like To Live Up A Tree
08) Zero Is Just Another Even Number
09) What's The News Mary Jane
10) Dirty Old Man
11) Proud As You Are
12) Watching Rainbows

Part Two - 'Hot As Sun rejects'
http://www.mediafire.com/?56iac06jto9zlgs
13) My Kind Of Girl
14) Suicide
15) You Know My Name
16) Because
17) Across The Universe
18) Lullaby For A Lazy Day
19) Have You Heard The Word
20) Madman
21) One After 909
22) Oh! I Had A Dream
23) Four Knights In Moscow

Artwork
http://www.mediafire.com/?x1ebe611dr6i5zw

The Beatles' "Peace of Mind" - crystal clear at last!

Well, okay, using "The Beatles" in the title of this post may be a bit deceptive.

For years, the mysterious track 'Peace of Mind,' allegedly a home demo from the Sgt. Pepper era, has appeared on countless Beatles bootlegs, usually in muddy quality. Several years back (on a newsgroup, I believe), I found a MUCH clearer copy of this song from an unknown source; it had numerous digital glitches, but the vocals and guitar were more distinct than ever before. It sounded as though you were in the room with.... well, whoever sang it.

I re-posted this copy here and there, and it seemed that no one had heard it so clearly before. So, to preserve this rare find, I am posting it here - even cleaner than I originally found it! I've used Nero's click/crackle removal filter to tone down the more obvious flaws, muted the left channel (which was mostly hiss and glitches), and copied the right channel over to the left. (On a minor note, I added a couple missing seconds back to the beginning, albeit from a lower quality copy.) I hope the result is pleasing.

http://www.mediafire.com/?gral16uu1dqgojb

There is one side effect to this newfound-clarity though...... with the vocals being so clear and prominent, it's actually much more obvious than before that the vocalists AREN'T the Beatles!

EDIT - Since it's wonderfully trippy in spite of the flaws, here's the file before I wiped the left channel. The right channel was out of phase in the original two-channel file, so I corrected it here. http://www.mediafire.com/?9aew0ibjc6i5b1r

The ultimate Spinal Tap discography, mark II

Attention Tap fans......

As the successor to my previous Tap discography site (don't look for it, it was bad - Netscape Composer bad), I've started a new one - with a TON more information than the previous version ever had. The bells and whistles and images have yet to be added, but I put up a temporary version yesterday just so the information is out there.

Take a look!

http://www.steveworek.com/tap/index.html
http://www.steveworek.com/tap/printable.html (black-on-white printable edition)

Grease - the deleted scenes! (Part 1)

Yes, it's been quite a while since I posted anything here... and I realize that any frequent readers I may have had have likely disappeared. But, nonetheless, I thought this was worth a post.

Some time ago, when our local used bookstore was clearing out their VHS tapes, I snagged the 20th anniversary of "Grease" for a whole dollar. Along with a CD single of the "Grease Megamix", the tape came packaged with a miniature reproduction (no reference intended) of the film's shooting script.

Admittedly, when the Special Edition DVD came out, one of the biggest disappointments was the 'deleted scenes' which were brief black-and-white fragments of existing scenes shorn of an uninteresting line or two. While the holy grail of deleted scenes (Rizzo and Kenickie's fight outside the Frosty Palace) is still lost completely, here are a few more tidbits from the shooting script that may or may not have been filmed.

================================

[First, the first several minutes of the movie were almost entirely different, up to the end of the opening credits.]

EXT. SEASIDE RESORT - DAY

OPEN with a small-screen ratio with a blue and white tint. It is a fashionable resort. SOUND of distant gulls.

SANDY OLSSON, a lovely ingenue, in a Rose Marie Reid swimsuit lies alone on a beach towel. "LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDORED THING" PLAYS on her portable RADIO. She looks at her watch.


EXT. HAMBURGER STAND ON PIER - DAY

DANNY ZUKO, a good-looking teenager, is wrapping up his day's work at a hamburger stand. Even though he wears a short order cook hat there is a look of a hero about him. His eyes glisten with unfulfilled romantic longing. The same SONG is PLAYING on a RADIO in the hamburger stand. He glances at the clock over the sink which reads six o'clock.

He finishes his work for the day and opens a closet where there are clothes hanging. A picture of James Dean is tacked on the inside of a closet door. He quickly grabs the clothes and begins to change.


EXT. SEASIDE RESORT - DAY

Sandy sits alone looking forsaken, tears in her eyes as the SONG continues to PLAY on her RADIO.


EXT. BEACH

Danny dashes madly along the beach away from the pier, zipping up, buttoning up and trying to make himself presentable in what he thinks are fashionable clothes, but almost everything is a little bit off.


EXT. BEACH COVE - DAY

Sandy rises, about to leave, just as Danny, breathless, slides down a sand dune toward her.

SANDY
I thought you'd forgotten.

DANNY
(still out of breath)
How could I forget?

SANDY
You know what they say about summer romances.

DANNY
No, what do they say?

Sandy looks disappointed. He looks confused.

SANDY
I have to leave in the morning. My father wants to beat the Labor Day traffic.

They look at each other for a moment then Danny kneels to the sand and pulls her with him. He looks into her eyes, then kisses her urgently. After a moment she pulls away.

SANDY
(continuing)
Oh, Danny, don't spoil it.

DANNY
This isn't spoiling it. This is making it better.

They sit side by side. He is about to put his arm around her. Then suddenly something is wrong. He stops. She opens her eyes.

SANDY
What is it?

He looks away in embarrassment. She turns his face to her.

SANDY
(continuing; tenderly)
You can tell me.

DANNY
I'm left-handed.

SANDY
Huh?

He pantomimes changing positions. They change sides.

SANDY
(continuing; as if it were precious)
Left-handed.

DANNY
In a world full of right-handed people.

They kiss again.

SANDY
I feel like this is the last time we'll ever see each other. Going to two different schools is like being in two different worlds.

They look at each other in sad acknowledgement of this impossibility.

SANDY
(continuing)
Oh, Danny, Danny, Danny. Is this the end?

He cups her face in both his hands and smiles gently at her.

DANNY
Of course not, Sandy. It's only the beginning.


GO TO COLOR IMAGE AT THE CENTER OF THE SCREEN


INTRO KENICKIE

CLOSE on an alarm clock radio.

KENICKIE, a tough, macho-to-the-teeth teenager, sits bolt upright in bed looking as if he has just been electrocuted. The pillow where his head has been is covered with grease stains. His hair stands out wildly. He shuts off the alarm and pants for breath as thought he has been running.

The VOICE of VINCE FONTAINE is HEARD on the RADIO and continues throughout the opening MONTAGE.

VINCE FONTAINE (V.O.)
This is the main brain... Vince Fontaine... beginning your day with the only way... Music, music, music... I gotta message for every scholar and fool... GET OUTTA BED; IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL... Don't be a slob... Don't get a job... Go back to class... You can pass... And to start this day off nice and fine... I'm gonna play a new old favorite of mine...

The new title song GREASE BLASTS on the SOUNDTRACK as each of the main characters is introduced.

NOTE: The background in each introduction is a sort of limbo in which only the character and certain vital props are used. As each character is introduced, they will occupy a large portion of the center screen. At the conclusion of their introduction, they will continue their actions in panels that frame the center action. In this sequence the audience is the mirror into which each of the characters is looking.


INTRO FRENCHY

CLOSE on a pink angora sweater. First disembodied arms are SEEN protruding from the tight sleeves. The hands hold the neck of the sweater, stretch it and slowly, painfully -- like something being born -- FRENCHY's head appears. She is a basically plain teenaged girl, with close cropped hair. She reaches OFFSCREEN and produces a flamboyant wig which she places on her head, transforming herself. She begins to comb out the wig.


INTRO DOODY

CLOSE on a Howdy Doody puppet.

Another ALARM GOES OFF as if in time to the music as DOODY, a teenager who looks like Howdy Doody opens his eyes and smiles at the puppet he has slept with. Then his features set as if he is remembering who he is. He throws the puppet aside and gets up.


INTRO JAN

JAN, an overweight girl who has the posture of a hen and wears baggy clothes, eats a piece of buttered-jellied toast as she contemplates the grim reality of her appearance. She turns sideways trying to hold in her stomach and as she does a glob of jelly falls on her jumper. She spits on a napkin and tries to rub it out.


INTRO SONNY

If SONNY could choose to be any animal it would be either a stallion or a prize bull. He blows the cobwebs off his toothbrush, looks at it in distaste, tosses it away, picks up a vicious looking long-handled comb and rakes it through his greasy hair. There is such a deposit of grease on the comb that there is hardly any room for his hair to get through. He practices looking tough.


INTRO RIZZO

CLOSE on a head that looks like a minefield of torpedo rollers. A long, lacquered nail is thrust into each roller, deftly withdrawing it while another finger holds the curl in place.

RIZZO looks like a cross between Ava Gardner and Annette Funicello and she works hard at it. She repeats the roller withdrawal with practiced precision.


INTRO PUTZIE

PUTZIE is a ruddy guy with an air of quiet derangement. He brushes his teeth as if he were operating a pneumatic drill, the foaming toothpaste encircling his mouth with a clown's makeup.


INTRO MARTY

MARTY, a breathing pastry, looks at her reflection. She is curvaceous every place but at the top. She grabs a box of Kleenex and remedies that situation by stuffing her bra.


CLOSE ON VARIOUS SHOTS

A hand reaches into a stuffed closet and pulls out a mass of crinolines.

A tube of Brylcreem is squeezed directly onto an already greasy head. Hands begin to massage the grease into the hair.

A can of spray net is held directly above a beehive hairdo and is sprayed like a crop duster.

A Thunderbird jacket is taken from a closet.

A brown bag lunch is picked up off a table, as a rapid tatto is HONKED out by a CAR HORN.

CUT TO:


EXT. STREET

A carload of students drive along with the top down.

CUT TO:


EXT. STREET

Students on foot making their way to school.

CUT TO:


EXT. STREET

A yellow school bus filled with very active students drives along.


EXT. RYDELL HIGH SCHOOL

From HIGH POV the school is still and deserted. An American Flag flutters in the breeze. Suddenly, cars, bicycles, busses and students on foot APPEAR pouring down the driveway and into the parking lot in a rousing FINALE, a choreographed procession not unlike a Busby Berkeley production number.

The cars are decorated in 50's emblems and decals with glimpses of each of the major characters (except for Danny and Sandy).

Students hang out of car windows, sit on convertible backs, ride on hoods, roofs and running boards -- hooting and hollering with youthful energy as the finale reaches is crescendo.

[Note that in the final film, the school exterior is already occupied; this opening is more reminiscent of "Grease 2."]


EXT. PARKING LOT

As the production number ends, the students suddenly become real people again breaking into groups and heading towards the building.

[The following scene IS in the film, just in another spot, and rewritten.]

A Studebaker pulls up and Rizzo gets out in her Pink Ladies jacket. She stands for a moment looking toward the school in bored resignation as the others rush around her.

Marty and Jan coming walking up.

MARTY
Hey, Riz!

JAN
Great to be back, huh?

RIZZO
It was great when we were Freshmen. It was good when we were Sophomores. It was okay when we were Juniors. But now that we are Seniors, it's just boring, boring. I can't wait for this year to be over so life can really begin.

Rizzo gives a world-weary sigh and starts toward the school. Marty and Jan adopt her air and the three of them walk along with their noses skyward as several excited younger girls rush past and look at them as though envying their exhaulted positions.

CUT TO:

[And we join the T-Birds in more or less the same scene that appears in the film; except that Kenickie is already with them (and delivers the "You're not supposed to eat this, you're supposed to bury it" line).]

================================

[A brief scene that takes place before Sandy enters the principal's office:]

INT. HALLWAY

Both sides of the hall are lined with lockers and students are busily applying locks and decorating the insides of them to match their personalities. There is also a lot of ritualistic, un-self-conscious hair combing, by members of both sexes.

Frenchy and Sandy come down the hall.

FRENCHY
You better check in the office to find out what homeroom you got. Pray you don't get old lady Lynch, the math teacher.

SANDY
Is she bad?

FRENCHY
Bad? All I know is she flunks people in homeroom.

Sandy grimaces and heads for the office.

================================

[Before the Pink Ladies are seen at the lunch table...]

INT. CAFETERIA - CLOSE - ELABORATELY FOLDED HANDKERCHIEF

PULL BACK TO SHOW that it rests on the ample bosom of MRS. OVERTON, the chubby dietitian who beams over the serving dishes of murky substances.

She wears a white uniform complimented by aqua costume jewelry.

Sandy and Frenchy come down the line with trays.

FRENCHY
That's Mrs. Overton, the dietitian. Everybody calls her Mrs. Over-a-ton. If you're friendly with her, she gives you extras... Hi, Mrs. Overton.

Mrs. Overton beams and walks toward the line. Her voice is as sugary as most of her dishes.

MRS. OVERTON
Hello, darlin'. We got peach cobbler today.

FRENCHY
This is Sandy Olsson. She's new.

She looks at Sandy and puts her hand to her heart.

MRS. OVERTON
Why, dear, you're nothing but skin and bones.

She picks up a dessert plate, slides two cobblers on it and slides it onto Sandy's plate with a wink.

MRS. OVERTON
(continuing)
Just remember, men like women with meat on their bones. My husband hasn't looked at another woman in thirty years.

FRENCHY
(sotto voce)
The reasion is he can't see around her. Come on, I wantcha to meet the Pink Ladies.

Sandy stifles a giggle as they line up for the cash register.

Mrs. Overton picks up a dessert and nibbles on it as she walks down the line where Danny and Doody are in line stuffing themselves as they go. They also shake bowls of jello in imitation of the voluptuous Marty who walks past in a tight skirt and sweater set.

Doody copies whatever Danny does.

Danny swallows part of a stuffed tomato as Mrs. Overton walks up.

MRS. OVERTON
The hash is good today.

DANNY
It always is on Monday.

The boys continue on down the line. Doody decides to do something on his own, takes a spoon and takes a big bite out of a dish of applesauce.

Danny sees this, does a take and shakes his head sadly.

DANNY
(continuing)
Hey, man, that applesauce will put you outta commission.

DOODY
Why?

DANNY
Saltpeter.

Doody grabs his throat as if dying. Danny shakes his head and goes on down the line, grabbing the dessert off the tray of a passing girl, taking a few bites and tossing it in the drink cooler.

Danny looks at the cashier as he arrives with his empty tray.

DANNY
(continuing)
No appetite today. Must be the early lunch period.

Doody catches up and they head out of the cafeteria.

================================

[Before cutting away from the Pink Lady lunch table:]

RIZZO
(rising; fake English accent)
I'm going to have a Viceroy on the verandah!

FRENCHY
Which means, Sandy, she's sneaking behind the cafeteria garbage dump for a ciggie-butt. You get caught; you get suspended.

================================

[As the Pink Ladies set off for class after lunch:]

EXT. RAMP
The Pink Ladies walk under a ramp as the Thunderbirds climb over the top, not seeing each other.

SONNY
Her knockers. Tell me about her knockers.

Danny sculpts an overly endowed female form in the air and Putzie pretends to grab them in the air. A flicker of uncertainty crosses Danny's face as the others laugh.

SONNY
(continuing)
One hour with me and she'd be my slave for life.

DANNY
That's because one hour with you makes the brain go bye-bye.

PUTZIE
What about her hinie?

DOODY
I'm a leg man myself.

KENICKIE
You'll take anything you can get.

A BELL RINGS and the boys split up.

================================

That takes us up to the bonfire... more coming soon!

An unofficial Spinal Tap discography...

This is something I've been working on for a few years now - an attempt to fill out Spinal Tap's entire discography, using titles that not only suit the mentality of the band, but whatever style they adopted at the time.

Of course, this is nothing more than my own vision of these albums, but I thought someone might find it interesting. :-)

(Though, credit where it's due - titles marked with '*' stem from Bernard Anderson's site 'Maximum Tap'.)


===============================================


SPINAL TAP SINGS "(LISTEN TO THE) FLOWER PEOPLE" AND OTHER FAVORITES
(Megaphone, 1967)

SIDE ONE
1) (Listen To The) Flower People
2) Break Like The Wind
3) Green Leaves / Our Hideaway*
4) Red Robin*
5) A Good Different Thing*
6) Rainy Day Sun [removed from line-up]
7) (Again With The) Flower People

SIDE TWO
1) Have A Nice Death
2) Gimme Some Money [added to US version]
3) Cups and Cakes [added to US version]


WE ARE ALL FLOWER PEOPLE
(Megaphone, 1968)

SIDE ONE
1) We Are All Flower People
2) Get Me Away From The Ground
3) An Astounding Aerial Escapade
4) To Fly
5) Cloud Cover Light (Prepare for Takeoff)

SIDE TWO
1) I Am Flight
2) Aerially Dynamic
3) Red Skies At Noon
4) Cloud Cover Dense (Prepare for Collision)
5) The Incredible Flight of Icarus P. Anybody


THE INCREDIBLE FLIGHT OF ICARUS P. ANYBODY
(budget album - Megaphone, 1969)

SIDE ONE
1) Get Me Away From The Ground
2) An Astounding Aerial Escapade
3) To Fly
4) Cloud Cover Light (Prepare for Takeoff)

SIDE TWO
1) I Am Flight
2) Aerially Dynamic
3) Red Skies At Noon
4) Cloud Cover Dense (Prepare for Collision)
5) The Incredible Flight of Icarus P. Anybody


SILENT BUT DEADLY
(live - Megaphone, 1969)

SIDE ONE
1) Short 'n' Sweet

SIDE TWO
1) Breakfast of Evil
2) Silent But Deadly


BRAINHAMMER
(Megaphone #NLA184, 1970)

SIDE ONE
1) Big Bottom
2) Springtime
3) Lie Back and Take It
4) Swallow My Love
5) Brainhammer

SIDE TWO
1) Shackle 'n' Stone
2) Child of Squatney
3) Hey Buddha [instrumental]
4) Death Warrior
5) Stonehenge [original version]

[There is a 1970 interview with Nigel in which he mentions 'Stonehenge,' so it's certainly possible that an early version could've existed at this time.]


NERVE DAMAGE
(Megaphone, 1971)

SIDE ONE
1) Nerve Damage
2) A Sting in the Tail
3) Pity No Prisoner
4) Glandlocked
5) Flaming Red Taxi

SIDE TWO
1) Plant the Demon Seed
2) Fear of a Black Strap
3) Miss Scarlet [also known as "Cluedo-sex"]
4) Calm Lydia (Can't Catch Me)
5) Snake Shake Boogie [instrumental]


BLOOD TO LET
(Megaphone, 1972)

SIDE ONE
1) Blood To Let
2) Brain Drain*
3) Feel the Flesh
4) Razor Blade Love
5) Sally She-Devil

SIDE TWO
1) Ring Around the Ribcage
2) Swinging Blade (Cut Me Down To Size Again)
3) Handshake with Hades
4) Crimsonfinger
5) The Eve of the Day


INTRAVENUS DE MILO
(Megaphone #DST2891, 1974)

SIDE ONE
1) Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight
2) Intravenus de Milo
3) Saliva of the Fittest
4) Women Are A Piece Of Cake
5) My Axe Collection

SIDE TWO
1) Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare
2) Nice 'n' Stinky
3) Eye of the Snake
4) Hell's Children
5) Tease Me, Squeeze Me


THE SUN NEVER SWEATS
(Megaphone #DS201, 1975)

SIDE ONE
1) Mighty Ouroboros (Prologue)
2) Daze Of Knights Of Old
3) The Princess and the Unicorn
4) The Garden of Mists
5) The Obelisk
6) The Sun Never Sweats

SIDE TWO
1) Devil Take the Hindmost
2) Nocturnal Mission [instrumental]
3) Stonehenge
4) Mighty Ouroboros (Epilogue)


JAP HABIT
(live - Megaphone, 1975)

[UK VERSION:]
SIDE ONE
1) Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight
2) Intravenus de Milo
3) Saliva of the Fittest
4) Swallow My Love
5) Big Bottom

SIDE TWO
1) Gimme Some Money
2) (Listen To The) Flower People
3) Break Like The Wind
4) We Are All Flower People
5) The Incredible Flight of Icarus P. Anybody

SIDE THREE
1) Brainhammer
2) Lie Back and Take It
3) Nerve Damage
4) Blood To Let
5) Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

SIDE FOUR
1) Band Intros
2) Nice 'n' Stinky
3) Silent But Deadly
4) Heavy Duty

SIDE FIVE
1) Daze Of Knights Of Old
2) The Sun Never Sweats
3) Devil Take The Hindmost
4) Nocturnal Mission [instrumental]
5) Stonehenge

SIDE SIX (ENCORES)
1) Rockin' Robin
2) Short 'n' Sweet

[US VERSION:]
SIDE ONE
1) Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight
2) Intravenus de Milo
3) Swallow My Love
4) Big Bottom
5) (Listen To The) Flower People

SIDE TWO
1) Break Like The Wind
2) The Incredible Flight of Icarus P. Anybody
3) Brainhammer
4) Blood To Let
5) Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

SIDE THREE
1) Daze Of Knights Of Old
2) The Sun Never Sweats
3) Devil Take The Hindmost
4) Nocturnal Mission [instrumental]
5) Stonehenge

SIDE FOUR
1) Band Intros
2) Nice 'n' Stinky
3) Heavy Duty
4) Short 'n' Sweet [edit]


BENT FOR THE RENT
(Megaphone, 1976)

SIDE ONE
1) When A Man Looks Like A Woman
2) High Heels, Hot Wheels
3) Heavy Duty
4) Cardiff Cutie Cruisin' ['Cleveland Cutie Cruisin'' on US pressing]
5) Bent For The Rent

SIDE TWO
1) Stinkin' Up The Great Outdoors
2) Panties and Lipstick
3) Leather Lucy
4) High School Ball
5) Stay Out of Angela


TAP DANCING
(Megaphone, 1976)

SIDE ONE
1) Tap Dancing
2) Big Bottom
3) Heavy Duty
4) High Heels, Hot Wheels
5) Stonehenge

SIDE TWO
1) Tap Dancing [reprise]
2) Break Like The Wind
3) (Listen To The) Flower People
4) Short 'n' Sweet

[All tracks are disco-flavored remakes, save the new title track.]


ROCK AND ROLL CREATION
(Megaphone #NLA1249, 1977)

SIDE ONE
1) Rock and Roll Creation Suite
* a) When There Was Darkness
* b) Rock and Roll Creation
* c) The Answer Is Clear

SIDE TWO
1) Young, Smug and Famous
2) Death On A Stick
3) Cock a Doodle
4) Dusty Devils (In Dirty Drawers)
5) Silence the Rock, Suffer the Roll


SHARK SANDWICH
(Polymer #D18892, 1980)

SIDE ONE
1) Shark Sandwich
2) No Place Like Nowhere
3) Throb Detector
4) Devil In A Hairpiece
5) Ride the Pink Stallion

SIDE TWO
1) Sex Farm
2) Scratch 'n' Sniff
3) Feel Me Up, Feel Me Down
4) The Wetter The Better
5) No One's Watching (But The Moon)
+ 'Satan's Salacious Sandwich' [unlisted, instrumental reprise of title track]


SMELL THE GLOVE
(Polymer, 1982)

SIDE ONE
1) Hell Hole
2) Chrome Plated Mistress
3) Greasin' the Beast
4) Tooth In Nail 'n' Wound In Plaster
5) Blistered Sisters

SIDE TWO
1) Smell the Glove
2) Red Hot Breezes (Satan's Sneezes)
3) Penetrating Eyes
4) Hell Hath No Heartburn


HEAVY METAL MEMORIES
(compilation - Metalhouse #D404, 1983)

SIDE ONE
1) Hell Hole
2) Sex Farm
3) Stonehenge [1975 version - single edit]
4) The Incredible Flight of Icarus P. Anybody
5) Blood To Let

SIDE TWO
1) Big Bottom [1982 synth version]
2) Brainhammer
3) Silent But Deadly [single edit]
4) Bent For The Rent
5) Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight

SIDE THREE
1) Break Like The Wind
2) Cups And Cakes
3) Rainy Day Sun
4) (Listen To The) Flower People
5) Heavy Duty

SIDE FOUR
1) The Sun Never Sweats
2) (Again With The) Flower People
3) Nice 'n' Stinky [live]
4) Rock and Roll Creation [single edit]
5) Gimme Some Money


===============================================


Of course, Tap's later three albums (the 'This Is Spinal Tap' soundtrack, Break Like The Wind, and Back From The Dead) are still available, thus not requiring discussion.

Summer wistfulness....

You know what I just realized is a nice feeling?

Spending time on a blazing hot summer day in an icy cold, perfectly air conditioned store. And I mean, a big store, like a Wal-Mart, where the chilly air is complemented by the chatter of a dozen televisions and the beeping of price scanners.

Even if you don't buy something, who cares? It's pleasant.

:-)

Fifty-seven James Bond films - and then some?! (updated Oct 10)

I thought I would try something absolutely crazy, and compile the most complete Bond film chronology *ever*. This is divided into four parts - authorized usage of Bond, unauthorized adaptations of Bond (that still use his name), spinoffs and related films, and notable copycats (obvious ripoffs, like '070' and '777'.) Hold your breath, it's about to get crazy.

[UPDATE - Oct 10 - Added to almost every section. This list keeps on growing...]

========================

I. Authorized Usage of James Bond

10/1954 - CASINO ROYALE
starring Barry Nelson
Origin: United States
TV adaptation, featuring an Americanized Bond.

10/1962 - DR. NO
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England
First EON production.

10/1963 - FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England

09/1964 - GOLDFINGER
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England

12/1965 - THUNDERBALL
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England

12/1966 - CASINO ROYALE
starring David Niven, Terence Cooper and Peter Sellers
Origin: England
Not an EON production, and not considered part of the series.

06/1967 - YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England

12/1969 - ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE
starring George Lazenby
Origin: England

12/1971 - DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England

06/1973 - LIVE AND LET DIE
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England

12/1974 - THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England

07/1977 - THE SPY WHO LOVED ME
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England

06/1979 - MOONRAKER
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England

06/1981 - FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England

06/1983 - OCTOPUSSY
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England

10/1983 - NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN
starring Sean Connery
Origin: England
Not an EON production, and not considered part of the series.

05/1985 - A VIEW TO A KILL
starring Roger Moore
Origin: England

06/1987 - THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS
starring Timothy Dalton
Origin: England

06/1989 - LICENCE TO KILL
starring Timothy Dalton
Origin: England

11/1995 - GOLDENEYE
starring Pierce Brosnan
Origin: England

12/1997 - TOMORROW NEVER DIES
starring Pierce Brosnan
Origin: England

11/1999 - THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH
starring Pierce Brosnan
Origin: England

11/2002 - DIE ANOTHER DAY
starring Pierce Brosnan
Origin: England

11/2006 - CASINO ROYALE
starring Daniel Craig
Origin: England

10/2008 - QUANTUM OF SOLACE
starring Daniel Craig
Origin: England

========================

II: Unauthorized Adaptations of James Bond

10/1965 - THE AMAZING DOCTOR G
[aka TWO MAFIOSI AGAINST GOLDGINGER]
(DUE MAFIOSI CONTRO GOLDGINGER)
featuring George Hilton
Origins: Spain / Italy
Bond has a small role, and is killed.

05/1966 - 07 CON EL 2 DELANTE (AGENTE: JAMIE BONET) [trans?]
starring Casto Sendra Barrufet [aka Cassen]
Origin: Spain

07/1966 - FUNNY 007
(YOCHEOL BOKTONG 007)
starring Shi-Ja Cheon
Origin: South Korea

??/1966 - JAMES BATMAN
starring Rodolfo Quizon [aka Dolphy]
Origin: Philippines
Dolphy would star in a number of other Bond spoofs as well, but not as James Bond himself.

??/1966 - GOLDEN BOY
(ALTIN COCUK)
starring Goksel Arsoy
Origin: Turkey

??/1966 - LAW OF THE GUNS
(SILAHLARIN KANUNU)
starring Yilmaz Guney
Origin: Turkey

??/1966 - SEVEN JAMES BONDS
(PITONG JAMES BONDS)
starring Mariano Contreras (aka Pugo), Lopito, Ben Cosca (aka Bentot), Perfecto Pinon (aka Tugak), Pugak, Cachupoy, and Apeng Daldal
Origin: Philippines

??/1967 - GOLDEN BOY IN BEIRUT
(ALTIN COCUK BEYRUT'TA)
starring Goksel Arsoy
Origin: Turkey

??/1967 - ORTA SARK YANIYOR [trans?]
starring Goksel Arsoy
Origin: Turkey
The third "Golden Boy" film.

??/1970 - THE SPY WITH THE GOLDEN GUN
(ALTIN TABANCALI ADAM)
starring Murat Soydan
Origin: Turkey
Interestingly enough, the similarly-titled "The Man With The Golden Gun" was also released in Turkey as "Altin Tabancali Adam."

??/1970 - CEHENNEMDE SENLIK VAR [trans?]
starring Yilmaz Koksal
Origin: Turkey

??/1971 - JAMES BOND 777
starring Krishna Ghattamaneni
Origin: India

??/1977 - AGENT VINOD
starring Mahendra Sandhu
Origin: India
The name 'James Bond' is never used, but unlike other foreign knock-offs whose characters merely mimic Bond, the intended identity of this character is obvious. Incidentally, the 2011 film of the same title has no connection to this one.

03/1977 - THE DRAGON LIVES AGAIN
[aka THE DEADLY HANDS OF KUNG-FU]
(LE SAN JIAO WEN ZHEN DI YU MEN)
featuring Alexander Grand
Origin: Hong Kong
Though the film does not center around James Bond, he appears prominently, alongside a number of other familiar characters.

04/1983 - THE RETURN OF THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.
featuring George Lazenby
Origin: United States
Lazenby's Bond (referred to as "J.B.") has a cameo appearance.

??/1984 - JAMES BOND 999
starring Suman
Origin: India
No copy of this film appears to be in public circulation.

??/1985 - BOND 303
starring Jeetendra
Origin: India

??/1987 - THE MAHJONG INCIDENT
[aka THE GREEN JADE MAHJONGG]
featuring Ron D. Cohen
Origin: China
Bond makes a brief cameo.

04/1992 - MR. BOND
starring Akshay Kumar
Origin: India

10/1994 - FROM BEIJING WITH LOVE
[aka MADE IN CHINA 007]
(GUOCHAN LING LING QI)
starring Stephen Chiau
Origin: Hong Kong

10/2001 - STEALING DAGMAR
(JAK UKRAST DAGMARU)
starring Jaroslav Sypal
Origin: Czech Republic

========================

III: Bond Without Bond - Spinoffs and Related Films

03/1964 - HOT ENOUGH FOR JUNE
[aka AGENT 8 3/4]
starring Dirk Bogarde
Origin: England
Concerns the agent who replaces now-deceased James Bond.

07/1966 - KALEIDOSCOPE
starring Warren Beatty
Origin: England
A Bond-less, unauthorized adaptation of Fleming's Casino Royale.

09/1966 - KISS THE GIRLS AND MAKE THEM DIE
[aka IF ALL THE WOMEN IN THE WORLD]
(SE TUTTE LE DONNE DEL MONDO)
starring Mike Connors
Origin: Italy
This is primarily a spoof of Sixties spy films, but earns a spot on this list, as it was largely adapted into "Moonraker."

??/1966 - VALLAVAN ORUVAN [trans?]
starring Jaishankar
Origin: India
Not a Bond film, but rather, a plagiarism of "Dr. No" and "From Russia With Love" with a Bond-like character. (Other portions of the film rip off the French spy film "Banque a Bankok pour OSS 117.")

??/1966 - MONEY-COLLECTING AGENT 007
(EISPRAKTOR 007)
starring Nikos Stavridis
Origin: Greece
Outside of the title, the connection to Bond is unknown; the character himself doesn't seem to appear.

04/1967 - OPERATION KID BROTHER
[aka OPERATION DOUBLE 007 and OK CONNERY]
starring Neil Connery
Origin: Italy
Centers around Bond's look-alike brother. Bernard Lee, Lois Maxwell, Adolfo Celi, and Daniela Bianchi also appear.

03/1968 - BONDITIS
starring Gerd Baltus
Origins: Switzerland / West Germany
Concerns a man who merely thinks he is James Bond.

12/1975 - FROM HONG KONG WITH LOVE
(BONS BAISERS DE HONG KONG)
starring Les Charlots [musical group]
Origin: France
Bond is actually killed during the gunbarrel sequence; Bernard Lee and Lois Maxwell recruit a group called Les Charlots in his place. Clifton James also appears.

06/1981 - THE CANNONBALL RUN
featuring Roger Moore
Origin: United States
Obviously not a Bond film, but Roger Moore appears as a man who believes himself to be Roger Moore's Bond.

09/1981 - SHUT UP WHEN YOU SPEAK!
(TAIS-TOI QUAND TU PARLES!)
starring Aldo Maccione
Origins: France / Italy
Concerns a man named Giacomo (Italian for 'James') who dreams he is James Bond.

01/1984 - OUR MAN FROM BOND STREET
(ZUIJIA PAIDANG ZHI NUHUANG MILING)
featuring Jean Mersant
Origin: Hong Kong
Part of the "Aces Go Places" (or "Mad Mission") series. The villain is a jewel thief who poses as James Bond. Oddjob (not played by Harold Sakata) appears, as does Richard Kiel.

========================

IV: Bond Without Bond - Notable Copycats

AGENT 007 1/2

??/1966 - 007 1/2 NO CARNAVAL [trans?]
starring Larry Carr
Origin: Brazil


AGENT 707

03/1965 - DRAGNET
(LAMBAT)
starring Bernard Bonnin
Origin: Philippines
Despite the title, this has no relation to the American TV series.

09/1965 - KARATE SA KARATE [trans?]
starring Bernard Bonnin
Origin: Philippines


BOB FLEMING, AGENT 077

04/1965 - SECRET AGENT FIREBALL
[aka 077: CHALLENGE TO KILLERS and THE SPY KILLERS]
(LE SPIE UCCIDONO A BEIRUT)
starring Richard Harrison
Origins: Italy / France

??/1966 - KILLERS ARE CHALLENGED
[aka MISSION CASABLANCA]
(A 077, SFIDA AI KILLERS)
starring Richard Harrison
Origins: Italy / France


BOND CALLAGHAN

10/1966 - OPERATION COUNTERSPY
(ASSO DI PICCHE OPERAZIONE CONTROSPIONAGGIO)
starring George Ardisson
Origins: Italy / Spain / France


COPLAN, AGENT 777 [aka AGENT FX 18]

03/1964 - KILL SECRET AGENT 777 - STOP
[aka AGENT SECRET FX 18]
(UCCIDETE AGENTE SEGRETO 777 - STOP)
starring Ken Clark
Origins: France / Italy / Spain
First released in France, with the character referred to as 'FX 18'. The Italian edition rebranded him '777', to make the Bond connection more obvious. The next Coplan movie would not be renamed to cash in on Bond.

10/1965 - AGENTE 777 MISSIONE SUMMERGAME
[aka COPLAN FX 18 CASSE TOUT]
starring Richard Wyler
Origins: France / Italy
The third Coplan film. One unidentified country seems to have taken the renaming scheme one step further by calling the character '077'. (Incidentally, none of the future Coplan productions would be altered anywhere to reflect the '777' number.)


CHARLES DUFF, AGENT 070
[aka DAN COOPER]

??/1965 - ONE TANGO FROM RUSSIA
(UN TANGO DALLA RUSSIA)
starring Dan Christian
Origin: Italy
The character is known as Charles Duff.

??/1966 - THUNDERBAY MISSIONE GRASSHOPPER
starring Dan Christian
Origins: Hong Kong / Italy
For reasons unknown, 070 has been renamed Dan Cooper.


DICK MALLOY, AGENT 077

08/1965 - MISSION BLOODY MARY
(AGENTE 077 MISSIONE BLOODY MARY)
starring Ken Clark
Origins: Italy / Spain / France

09/1965 - FROM THE ORIENT WITH FURY
[aka FURY IN ISTANBUL]
(AGENTE 077 DALL'ORIENTE CON FURORE)
starring Ken Clark
Origins: Italy / Spain / France

08/1966 - SPECIAL MISSION LADY CHAPLIN
(MISSIONE SPECIALE LADY CHAPLIN)
starring Ken Clark
Origins: Italy / Spain / France
Co-stars Daniela Bianchi.


DR. BARDIN, SECRET AGENT 777

11/1965 - SECRET AGENT 777
(AGENTE SEGRETO 777 - OPERAZIONE MISTERO)
starring Mark Damon
Origins: Italy
Followed by "A Ticket To Die" (see below), which seemingly focuses on a different 777.


GEORGE FARRELL, AGENT 077

10/1965 - ESPIONAGE IN LISBON
(MISION LISBOA)
starring Brett Halsey
Origins: Spain / Italy / France


JAMES BONDAT

??/1970 - JAMES BONDAT
starring Augusto Valdez Pangan (aka Chiquito)
Origin: Philippines
Like Dolphy, Chiquito would star in many other Bond spoofs, though not which such a close character name.


JAMES TONT

??/1965 - JAMES TONT: OPERATION U.N.O.
starring Lando Buzzanca
Origin: Italy

??/1965 - JAMES TONT: OPERATION D.U.E.
[aka OPERATION GOLDSINGER and THE WACKY WORLD OF JAMES TONT]
starring Lando Buzzanca
Origin: Italy


LEWIS JORDAN, SECRET AGENT 777

??/1967 - A TICKET TO DIE
(AGENTE SEGRETO 777 - INVITO AD UCCIDERE)
starring Tiziano Cortini
Origin: Italy
Follows "Secret Agent 777," though this is apparently a different character.


MIKE MURPHY, AGENT 077 [aka MARC MATO, LEMMY LOGAN and ROBBY LOGAN]

08/1965 - ESPIONAGE IN TANGIERS
(MARC MATO, AGENTE S. 077)
starring Luis Davila
Origins: Spain / Italy
It is often said that George Lazenby has a small role in the 92-minute cut of this film; this seems to be untrue.

08/1966 - YPOTRON - FINAL COUNTDOWN
(AGENTE LOGAN - MISSIONE YPOTRON)
starring Luis Davila
Origins: Spain / Italy
Agent 077's name was changed here for reasons unknown - different editions called him Lemmy Logan or Robby Logan, except in West Germany, where he was still referred to as Mike Murphy.


SECRET AGENT 077

??/1968 - GOLDEN EYES SECRET AGENT 077
starring Mumtaz Askari
Origin: India

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Phew! If anyone has something to add, let me know...